Confession - I don’t have much to live for

[chrysaliscrushed]

I don't have much to live for anymore. At least it does feel so. I left my friends because I don't want to make them sad and be witnesses of my decline if it is. Basically I live to keep making mom happy, by getting her what she wants to buy, or my diy stuff. I wouldn't worry if I didn't wake up one day for whatever reason not self caused because I don't want to try. Mom would be upset I think that's all I know.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @chrysaliscrushed welcome to the site.

 

[chrysaliscrushed]

Hi @chrysaliscrushed welcome to the site.

Hi Survivor3, thanks I appreciate it

 

[Survivor3]

What's your DIY stuff?

 

[chrysaliscrushed]

What's your DIY stuff?

I am currently making a patchwork thing if I am not mistaken. I am to knit a ton of squares and then sew them together

 

[Survivor3]

I am currently making a patchwork thing if I am not mistaken. I am to knit a ton of squares and then sew them together

That sounds great. Very creative.

 

[arfie]

in my world, knitted patchwork sounds like plenty to live for. knitting is an art i have never mastered, but the attempts at mastery heightened my appreciation for the art. my most developed craft is clothing design and it has gotten me through many a long and lost night where i was just too discouraged to try with people anymore.

over the course of living for my projects i have grown convinced that there is such a thing as trying too hard. the harder i pull on a knot, the knottier it gets. backing off from the problem and relaxing a spell opens new approaches. that philosophy seems to work as well on people problems as it does on crafting problems.

 

[chrysaliscrushed]

in my world, knitted patchwork sounds like plenty to live for. knitting is an art i have never mastered, but the attempts at mastery heightened my appreciation for the art. my most developed craft is clothing design and it has gotten me through many a long and lost night where i was just too discouraged to try with people anymore.

over the course of living for my projects i have grown convinced that there is such a thing as trying too hard. the harder i pull on a knot, the knottier it gets. backing off from the problem and relaxing a spell opens new approaches. that philosophy seems to work as well on people problems as it does on crafting problems.

you have an amazing mindset, i really mean it! i do agree with you on many details.

i highly agree that trying to overdo art projects isn't going to do well. i don't trust myself with living beings much though because i do them more harm than good, at least from my own point of view.

 

[Rhuby Red]

I wouldn't worry if I didn't wake up one day for whatever reason not self caused because I don't want to try. Mom would be upset I think that's all I know.

Oh gosh, I resonate with this - not now, but for a number of years the thing stopping me was that it would upset mum too much. I didn't want to kill myself, but I would long for an escape hatch from life so I could climb out, or just to lie down and never get up? Is that how it feels to you?

I am really glad that there is SOMETHING protective for you against suicide. But I do wonder - if it is thoughts of your mother's feelings that are stopping you doing this, is it also thoughts of your mother's feelings holding you back in other ways in your life too? Is there a way that your life feels like it's not yours because of your mother? Hope those are okay questions to ask.

 

[chrysaliscrushed]

Oh gosh, I resonate with this - not now, but for a number of years the thing stopping me was that it would upset mum too much. I didn't want to kill myself, but I would long for an escape hatch from life so I could climb out, or just to lie down and never get up? Is that how it feels to you?

I am really glad that there is SOMETHING protective for you against suicide. But I do wonder - if it is thoughts of your mother's feelings that are stopping you doing this, is it also thoughts of your mother's feelings holding you back in other ways in your life too? Is there a way that your life feels like it's not yours because of your mother? Hope those are okay questions to ask.

I feel relieved somebody else can relate, ngl, I really mean it. I am grateful that you shared yours.

Yes they're absolutely okay to ask! Well I could say that nothing much is holding me except the thought that she'd cry and be devastated overall and the thought of that makes me want to weep and feel terrible if I ever cause her that, even if it would stop being my concern once I go to the other side. It's just that a major part of me has cracked the way porcelain does if one hammers a thick sharp nail into it or any similar metaphor. Her beliefs and lectures she keeps visiting, keep this thing existent.

 

[In the weeds]

Well I could say that nothing much is holding me except the thought that she'd cry and be devastated

I believe this is the reason my daughter is feeling the same way. I worry for her about the day I'm not here anymore. I'm old with health problems.

 

[Friday]

Truth - Babies have NOTHING to live for.

You don’t walk around killing babies, because they DGAF.

Having nothing to live for, is different that having a reason to die.

Something I have to remind myself from time to time? If my DEATH hurts, die better. If my life hurts? Live better. <<< And, no. Nothing in that statement says jack shit about it being easy.

If you don’t have anything to live for? No excitement that launches you from sleep in the morning? It’s time and past to find it. And expect it to be hard to find, or you’d have found it already.