Undiagnosed Confused about trauma response

[UnsureMind]

Hello all

I'm struggling with my feelings and just would like some insight.

I'm 49. I'm a first responder. At work I recently was involved in an extremely traumatic incident. It's had a tremendous impact on several coworkers. When I finished working on this incident. I immediately left work. I was overwhelmed and sad and angry. I was crying for a few days. I've had upwards of 50 people check on me and tell me what I experienced is traumatic and to take time off etc. I saw my therapist the next day and she said I needed some time off. I'm now a couple weeks after the incident. I'm 'ok'. I'm functioning, I'm sleeping (unusually well), I think a lot about the incident, I have some trigger responses - sirens, emergency vehicles. When I need to talk about it I cry - at times. But I'd say I'm ok. I have guilt that I don't feel worse. Based on my experience in the first couple days and my therapists suggestion I filled out paperwork for a medical leave. I now need to go to an psychological assessment. I feel like since I'm functional and sleeping.. I should be ok to return? The overwhelming outpour from coworkers telling me to take time and come back only when I'm ready has me confused. I know this sounds silly. I've said to others and they say why do you care what anyone says. I honestly don't know how I am supposed to feel both now and when I'm ready to be back at work.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hello UnsureMind,

I want to acknowledge the strength and courage it took for you to share your experience here. It's clear that you've been through a highly challenging and traumatic incident, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling a range of emotions in response to it.

It's positive to hear that you have the support of your therapist and coworkers during this time. Taking time off to focus on your mental well-being can be crucial in the healing process, even if you feel like you're functioning relatively well at the moment. It's okay to have mixed feelings about how you should be feeling or when you should return to work – that's a common experience for many individuals who have been through trauma.

Going for a psychological assessment could provide you with more clarity on your current mental health status and what steps might be beneficial for your recovery. Remember, there's no right or wrong way to feel after a traumatic event, and healing is a unique journey for each individual.

If you haven't already, I encourage you to consider joining the myptsd.com community. It can provide you with a space to connect with others who understand what you're going through, share experiences, and gain support from a peer-to-peer perspective. There are specific forums on the site that focus on different aspects of PTSD and CPTSD, which may offer valuable insights and resources tailored to your needs.

Take care of yourself, and remember that seeking help, whether it's from professionals or through peer support, is an important step in your healing process. You're not alone in this journey.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum!

I feel like since I'm functional and sleeping.. I should be ok to return?

Is that the standard you’d set for your colleagues if they were struggling?

 

[Friday]

Welcome aboard!

We've got a double handful of first responders in the community (police, fire, paramedic, dispatch... yo! Dispatch! @Freida). Me own self = former USMC turned Disaster Response.

Whether you return to work soonest or not? DO NOT sit around at home in your head. Seriously bad juju comes from that. Get out & moving, use your body & your mind. Not in a "distract destruct" numbing kind of way that shoves everything down, but in an alive & engaged kind of way. Volunteer. Teach a class, or pick up a new cert. Fly out to see some old friends. Active. Involved. Doing.

That's the difficulty with returning to work "too soon" is that the nature of "no mistakes" means automatically SHOVING personal shit down, jumping on the lid to close it, and locking it tight. Sounds like bliss, but one ends up with a bit of a tick tick BOOM Pandoras Box situation if/when everything explodes out.

If you read nothing else on the site? DO read this >>> The ptsd cup explanation

 

[arfie]

hello unsur. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. my own ptsd is from surviving child sex trafficking in the 1960's and vastly different from what you are experiencing, but thought i'd share, anyway, from the perspective of my own lifelong healing journey.

I have guilt that I don't feel worse.

the heart goes where it goes and we feel what we feel, but in my own recovery, guilt often points to spots where i am repressing.

I should be ok to return?

i lean heavily on my therapy support network for these decisions. i don't let other people dictate, but an outside perspective really can pick up on important details which cannot be seen from the inside.

I know this sounds silly. I've said to others and they say why do you care what anyone says.

nope, it doesn't sound silly at all to me. balance in all things, especially the fine art of caring. growing callouses to outside opinions doesn't require total disregard or apathy. the decisions are mine to make, but i believe it is wise to be open to counsel when counsel is needed.

dunno if any of that applies to your case, or not. i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard.

 

[Freida]

Howdy!

Dispatch here -- and I totally get it. Critical incidents are a bitch simply because they are so confusing. What hits one person doesn't bother another, or your management doesn't think it's a big deal even though you do, or managment thinks you should be curled up in a corner losing your mind orrrrrrr..... Sound familiar?

So lets look at these....

I feel like since I'm functional and sleeping.. I should be ok to return?

Oh pulleesee.. functional and sleeping is the baseline for all of us because we learn early on to just stuff that crap away.

But when you look at functional and sleeping for the real world it can mean something totally different. Just because you can put your shoes on the right way and make breakfast doesn't mean you are functional. It means you can do stuff you know how to do - habit stuff. Sure, you manage to be human. But functional emotionally is the real question.

You are crying and feeling - and that is a GOOD thing. Letting it out is how humans are supposed to work -how we should be wired. So you allowing yourself to be upset is what we are supposed to do. But sometimes we forget that when we are running call to call to call and expected to just keep going.

Something to keep in mind that I always told my trainees.... The call that hits your hardest is the call that hits you personally. Might be a big ole critical incident. Might be a stuck cat in a tree. But when you are stuck in that blank spot ask yourself "is this triggering something in me from my own life?"

The overwhelming outpour from coworkers telling me to take time and come back only when I'm ready has me confused

They might be seeing something you aren't? Or you just work in a progressive place where mental health counts.
If you have someone you trust ask them. You might be surprised

I know this sounds silly. I've said to others and they say why do you care what anyone says. I honestly don't know how I am supposed to feel both now and when I'm ready to be back at work.

Nothing silly about it. Calls sometimes just suck. Coming back to work after a bad call just sucks.
Nothing silly. Just life in the 1st responder world.

Have you guys done a debrief with the people who were there? If not that might help too

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

A long time ago I had an acquaintance that had a vehicle accidence thing. Her physician gave her some RX to prevent PTSD. I don’t remember what the medicine is called but iirc if it’s not over a month yet you’re having ptsd (acute?) symptoms maybe talk to your Physician. Please don’t let this become permanent. It will destroy everything you care about including who you are as a person.

Also, I’m ASSuming you did your job as you’re supposed to so hear this: you did the best you could with what you had (and your training.) Don’t let guilt consume you.

I didn’t know about PTSD when I went through some dark shit decades ago but I remember the initial mental f*ckery; the nightmares, the numbness, the horror etc. No one cared (the demon known as my mother blamed me for the incident: it wasn’t my fault.) So, it wiped out my personality, my belief in goodness, my trust in other humans, wiped out my bubbly, giggly aspects.

Combined with my nasty childhood and some other incidents I sit here with arthritis eating my body. My blood pressure climbing. I have bad dreams, hypervigilance, lack of trust in people. I’m unfriendly, paranoid. It’s really awful. DON’T BECOME LIKE ME.