Sexual Assault Constantly scared - feel like every man i see wants to stalk me and hurt me

[Lulu95]

Hi everyone,

I have read a lot on this site, but have never posted anything myself. I was sexually assaulted in high school by my boyfriend. After he and I started dating, I found out that he had been stalking me for months before he and I had ever met, he had paintings of me, poems about me, pictures of me, and knew a lot about me. We were just casually dating, and after seeing this, I was scared and wanted to break it off. But, he was very adamantly against us breaking up. After hearing me tell him that I wanted to break up, he posed threats to me and my family. I was too afraid to leave him. So, I remained in this unhealthy relationship for quite some time being sexually assaulted on a weekly (sometimes even more than once a week) basis.

Anyways, fast forward to now, I am a graduate student, it's six years later. I have been diagnoses with PTSD and I have been to therapy, I will never be the same and I struggle with it everyday; but, I am doing better. However, one of the biggest issues for me is fear of everyone around me. I always feel like every man I see wants to stalk me and hurt me. I can't even go for a run without fearing that men in the neighborhood will follow me back to my apartment and rape me. I guess the point of my post is, do other people feel this too? I don't want to feel like this forever. If others do feel like this, has it ever gotten better for you? What do you to cope with these fears?

Thank you in advance!

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Yeah quite a lot of the time I’m scared. It’s worse when I’m more symptomatic but it’s always something in the back of my mind. Not just because of my past trauma but also just because men are scary af. I don’t think they realise just how scary they are and do stupid shit like walk directly behind you for 1/2 a mile. Or approach you while you’re alone sit next to you on the bus when there are other seats.

An old T used to try encourage me to go out running without my dog and with earphones in. As like a exposure therapy. Of course he was a dude and some of the fear is irrational but sometimes it’s safety conscious behaviour because it isn’t safe being a woman. Where the line is is tricky if you figure that out please let me know.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

After I remembered what my father did to me and others, I couldn't even go outside by myself for two and half years. I've now been outside once... finally. I think it just takes time. It takes whatever time it takes.

Remember your healing is a journey not a destination.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I guess the point of my post is, do other people feel this too? I don't want to feel like this forever. If others do feel like this, has it ever gotten better for you? What do you to cope with these fears?

I have pretty similar fears. I am fearful around men, and have a strong impulse to avoid them. On the very few occasions I've gone alone in public I feel very nervous if a male is walking behind me or approaches me, or tries to talk to me. I also, in general, am very suspicious of kindness, but especially suspicious of kindness from men. Any time someone is being kind to me my brain starts searching for ulterior motives and I feel very suspicious of them being nice because they're trying to mess with me. For men I think their kindness is an attempt to lure me into a trap. If I'm in an elevator alone with a male I feel super uncomfortable and on edge, like they're going to attack me or something.

I had a male doctor check out my knee - bad idea, but I was very new to the diagnosis at the time (still new to it lol), and I had no idea how I would react - I wasn't even thinking about the fact I might react poorly to having a male touch my knee, feel the muscles in my thigh and lower leg, etc. I had a really hard time not freaking out, and he had to tell me to relax like every 2 seconds (he needed my leg to be relaxed so he could move the joint and check out its function).

Our traumas are similar in that we were raped by abusive "boyfriends" who coerced us into being in relationships with them. Mine threatened homicide/suicide quite often. I could go on and on about his control mechanisms. It lasted a little under 4 years for me. Being beaten and raped was a practically daily occurrence, and the last time I was raped was 2 months and 8 days ago, so I am very much in the early stages of healing.

My ways of coping probably aren't the best - I mostly just isolate myself and stay home. I have tried hanging out with my friends but it's too difficult. Physical therapy has made my knee feel a lot better, and I want to start running and doing calisthenics and stairs out in the real world again, but I'm too afraid to go into public and walk around/run around outside. I used to go on really long walks in the summer. I don't think I'd feel safe enough to do that now.

 

[artpop]

I've only had about a year and a month out of the relationship with my ex, but your story is beyond scarily relatable for me. My ex admitted to lightly stalking me (which is how we met-he gave me my favorite candy without me every telling him what it was), and by the time he said that he had already expressed his homicidal fantasies and that he would kill himself if I left him. So I ended up just trying to forget that ever happened and go back to "normal". This normal also included frequent rapes and sexual assaults like yours.

I am new to recovery so I can't reassure it gets better. I know my therapist and I have mentioned getting a service dog for me, and choosing an "intimidating" breed (bully breed mix, german shepherd, mastiff, doberman, rottweiler, etc), as an effort to 1) make me feel safer, and 2) having a task trained animal with me who can help me recover from a panic attack. However its far from the answer for everyone, as it tends to make more people stare at you and try to interact with you. Currently I "cope" by only going out in public with my dad who's a physically intimidating man, or on good days, my deceivingly strong best friend, but its not ideal in the slightest. I wish I had better answers for you, but I wish you luck for the future.

 

[Qwerty2424]

I don't think I'm fully aware of everything that has happened to me mostly I live in a fog or stream of consciousness but I do tend to have a deep distrust of males I'm not familiar with sometimes is worst then others. It's probably not a good thing to be so casual about things I worry about reactions a lot.

 

[EveHarrington]

I've only had about a year and a month out of the relationship with my ex, but your story is beyond scar...

I love how guys say BS like “light” stalking, as if it’s supposed to make it ok? As if it’s not as bad?

Nope!

Stalking is stalking.

Period.

All stalking is wrong. It ALL has the same intent. Regardless of exactly how the stalking is executed.

 

[Lionheart]

I am male and I assure you that I have no ill intentions towards you, but I do understand your fear. I was brutally molested by five men when I was 13 yrs old and anytime two or more men would gather in one place, I would start to feel "outnumbered" and panic.

This went on for years, until I got some serious professional help and even then it took some time, but it is better now. Although I remain cautious I am not on hyper-alert as I once was.

It took time for me to learn that not everyone wanted to hurt me and not all men were abusive. Some are, but it isn't true that all are!!! I am living proof!

 

[somerandomguy]

@Lulu95 - I'm a man, and my abuser was a woman, and I often feel the same way about women as you do about men. I've learned it's a pretty typical reaction to abuse. I know intellectually that all women don't want to hurt me, but sometimes in the moment it's pretty hard to convince myself it isn't true. CBT and therapy have helped and I've gotten a lot better. I have no doubt you can get better, too.

 

[LilyRose]

I was never (sexually) abused, but i was atacked by someone out of nowhere. 1 moment we where talking, the next this person was trying to kill me. It took almost 4yrs for me to find out why i couldn't stand people getting close to me, Hate it when someone walks behind me, towards me, looks at me in a certain way or touched me unexpectedly. Get real nervous and anxious. For me it doesn't matter who it is, men, women, even family or friends. I think for me its because the attack came out of the blue. From smiling to killing in a second. I know in my mind its not likely it will happen again (since i had to leave my job) but my body reacts to it anyway. Can't stop it. I react to every movement and sound in my area, i am very hyper alert but i force myself to go outside sometimes. Can't stay inside forever. I don't know how to deal with this, just hope one day we all can feel safe again.

 

[lostnconfused]

Hello. Do you have a friend who could exercise with you? I've seen other women do that: exercise either with a friend or spouse.

I don't have anyone who's willing to exercise with me, so, despite feeling anxious around people, I've done it for years. I used to be a lot more scared and anxious when I was younger, but, by doing it by myself (i.e. exposure), I've learned to feel a lot more relaxed and confident. Of course, I'm still an introvert who's not as comfortable talking to people and still a little anxious and nervous around other people, so it hasn't completely cured me or turned me into a confident, extroverted, social person like other adults where I live, but, nowadays, I don't have as much of a fear of being attacked by people like I used to. Neighbors' loose, untrained, barking dogs are actually feel more of a danger to me and harass me more than people.

Would you prefer exercising in a public area (e.g. a park) surrounded by other couples exercising, or alone, where no one else exercises?

 

[lostnconfused]

I forgot to mention that, yes, I occasionally experienced kids and teens laughing and shouting at me from yards as I jogged past or rode by bicycle, or from passing vehicles, and did have perhaps a couple of males approach me (one was polite, asking for directions, while the other just wanted to rant about the neighborhood), but these things rarely happened, and I was surrounded by other women who also continued to exercise alone, or with a friend or partner, too, so I wasn't scared off exercising, completely. The children obviously thought I was their age or were confused as to what my gender was, so, while frustrating and annoying, I eventually was able to ignore it, rather than feel scared.