Sexual Assault Coping with ptsd symptoms - sexual assault following childhood trauma

[7lonewolf7]

It happened 3yrs ago and it's overwhelming thinking about it (I'm in tears right now) but I was raped and I need serious help because I can barely work anymore and my mental state is completely fractured that I'm struggling so much to just finish my bachelors degree.
The constant flashbacks, triggers, and nightmares have crippled me. I've been diagnosed with ptsd and anxiety disorder and I'm currently seeing a therapist for cognitive processing therapy but I've only been going to her for about 2 and a half months, once a week (now once every two weeks), so I haven't even talked about the rape (mostly cause I'm ashamed and it's a family therapist). I grew up in an abusive household so we've only been focusing on treating the traumas I faced then and have yet to discuss the sexual assault.

I started dating this guy in college 3yrs ago as a junior, and by the time the event happened, I had fallen in love with him. We had been dating for a couple of months by now so one night I invited him over to my place and one thing led to another and we started fooling around. We've fooled around before but never had sex since I was a virgin and wasn't ready, but that night I felt ready so I initiated it. It started off okay but then he just started "pounding" me with no warning and it hurt so much, I could barely breath and I could feel myself lose consciousness from the pain. I couldn't even get my voice out to tell him that it hurts. It happened so fast. He came and it ended but he knew he hurt me; he could barely look at me. He didn't even ask if I was okay. He didn't want to spend the night so he left, but the next morning I got a text message from him saying he wants to breaking up with me.
I was heartbroken because I had fallen in love with him and for the next few months I struggled with alcoholism as a way to numb my senses. At the time I didn't even realize that he raped me. I never had sex before so I had nothing to compare it to. The emotional toll of getting dumped by someone you loved through a text message is what kept gnawing at me but I remember having flashbacks of him hurting me to the point I could feel physical pain and aches in my vagina. At that point it didn't occur to me that I was having really vivid ptsd flashbacks. The event happened towards the end of 2016 and I just got worse as time progressed. I was in a deep depression but I'm not the type to show it (an unfortunate symptom of my childhood abuse) so I just kept drinking heavily as my grades kept declining.
We went to the same school and had similar friends so I couldn't fully avoid seeing him (no matter how much I tried) and in the spring of 2017 we had hooked up 2 different times. I was not sober either of the times and the sex was so bad he made me bleed for days each single time. At that point the psychological trauma caused me to have sleep paralysis and two cases of sleep apnea. I stopped breathing in my sleep both times and it freaked me out so much I called my parents in tears asking for help cause I didn't know what was happening to me. I was already an insomniac so it pretty much felt like my brain was starting to fail on me.
I left that semester with the worst grades and I couldn't even make it to any of my finals cause I couldn't sleep and was afraid to sleep.
I was not about to tell my parents I was raped so I never got a chance to deal with it. Right after the semester ended I continued working full time as an IT technician. I was doing it part time while in school, but that unfortunately added more to my stress levels. I was struggling to balance school work with my job's work. It's part of why my sleep issues got even worse.

Time has passed and I'm doing better than I was in those 2 years but the triggers and flashbacks are relentless. I still have nightmares of getting raped and of people trying to murder me. They're significantly less than before but they still occur and I wake up in terror and can never fall back asleep. I can't watch or hear sex scenes (really anything that involves intimacy) in shows/movies/music videos/etc cause it makes it feel like it's happening again. There really isn't anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking to about this, but some days are so bad that I really feel like giving up, so I came here for help. If there's any advice I can get on how to cope with the ptsd symptoms relating to this I would sincerely appreciate it.

 

[Wendell_R]

You were brave to share your story here. My therapist says that coping with and healing from trauma is kind of like peeling the layers off an onion. One layer at a time, establishing deeper trust with yourself & your therapist. Sharing your story here is peeling back another layer. Can you see what the next layer of trust is between you and your therapist, and aim for that?

The single thing that helps me most with flashbacks is grounding or mindfulness exercises. Have you tried these?

 

[7lonewolf7]

You were brave to share your story here. My therapist says that coping with and healing from trauma is kind of like peeling the layers off an onion. One layer at a time, establishing deeper trust with yourself & your therapist. Sharing your story here is peeling back another layer. Can you see what the next layer of trust is between you and your therapist, and aim for that?

The single thing that helps me most with flashbacks is grounding or mindfulness exercises. Have you tried these?

Thank you for the comforting advice. I'm supposed to be doing these "abc" exercises that are to identify your thoughts and emotions relating to an event in order to decrease anxiety and panic attacks but so many negative things keep happening in my life that I've struggled to do the exercises on my own. I do the abc's when I'm having bad thoughts and it has been helping but I don't write them down and that's what my psychologist is looking for so she can see if I'm making progress with the therapy, so I guess that's the next step I need to make in establishing more trust. I just feel embarrassed sharing my thoughts and experiences with anyone but I understand the importance.
I know of some meditation techniques that help calm me down when I feel a panic attack coming on but as I said so many negative/traumatic things happen to me on a daily basis. I had to move back with my family and my 13yrs brother is dealing with a worse state of mind so there's always some fight happening and unfortunately for me I'm the best at calming him down when he does get violent. But I've become so exhausted and emotionally drained from it. I barely have time to focus on myself.

 

[Wendell_R]

That sounds hard. I've been overwhelmed when my therapist suggests doing something, and it's been too much. I've learned to take little steps. Maybe most important, not feel bad about myself when big steps are hard. So maybe the goal isn't "write down the abc's" but is instead "write down one abc to share". Or, share the embarrassment and how hard it is to talk about everything, without talking about the "everything."

Hang in there, and take care!

 

[7lonewolf7]

That sounds hard. I've been overwhelmed when my therapist suggests doing something, and it's been too much. I've learned to take little steps. Maybe most important, not feel bad about myself when big steps are hard. So maybe the goal isn't "write down the abc's" but is instead "write down one abc to share". Or, share the embarrassment and how hard it is to talk about everything, without talking about the "everything."

Hang in there, and take care!

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. It means so much and it's been helpful!

 

[Wendell_R]

I've become so exhausted and emotionally drained from it. I barely have time to focus on myself.

Remember that taking care of yourself can be the littlest things, too. Taking time to look at a flower. Thinking about some little thing or experience that you like (clean sheets, a cookie, rustling your feet through fall leaves), and then being completely present when you experience that memory or act.