Counselor Told Me To Toughen Up

[VanZan]

I remember when I was in therapy some years ago near the end of our time together my T surprised me by saying I needed to "toughen up". Really got to me as the rest of my family aren't like me. I've always been embarrassed at my sensitivity to the point where if I saw it in others I would pick on them. I disliked what I saw.

Even my family have figured out that I try to act tough but underneath I'm soft. I hate it. As a man I find it so much more embarrassing. Bullying at school always centred on it too. I've no problem at all with physical pain but the prospect of further emotional pain terrifies me.

I've been Googling and most of the results say sensitivity is a strength rather than a weakness so now I'm really confused. I'm not a highly sensitive person and don't cry at the drop of a hat but I wish I was more of a man. I've been doing a load of IQ tests online and, while I'm not sure of their reliability or accuracy, many of them put it at around 130.

Anyone have a therapist say this and maybe offer advice as to how it might be done please? Thank you!

 

[seedling]

It sounds as if you are very sensitive. That doesn't always mean crying easily. Just means that you pick up on what's going on around you.
It's something that you can build on as a strength and learn more about.
It's good to live with who you are, not what other's think you should be.

There are some good posts here about this if you search around, maybe under the words empath or empathic.

I think the advice to "toughen up" is out of date to say the least. It takes the toughest to be so open to others' emotions flooding in. There are ways to cope with that and ways to use it to your advantage and enjoy it.

Maybe if you can identify the traits you mean by "more of a man"?

 

[ladee]

A sensitive man is a pure man in my eyes and experience. How sad that society has determined what a 'man' should be. Sound to me you may be an Empath... Google it.... I think you will find many answers there.....
Many people with PTSD are more empathetic to others because we understand pain like no one else.... but most of us are born an Empath. It isn't something you learn how to be, you just are... so please know, that for this woman writing to you right now.... A sensitive man is a treasure in this world we live in today.... I know it is hard for you, but isn't life just hard sometimes, regardless.... so hope you look it up and realize that there is a lot 'right' with you..... hope you find some answers....

 

[rightkindofme]

Your therapist was wrong and abusive. It is not manly to toughen up. It is manly to honestly acknowledge what you feel and respond to it appropriately. "Just toughen up" is saying "don't pay attention to your feelings" and that is broken.

Nothing about being a man means you should be a shell of a human being.

 

[Justmehere]

Crap therapist.

Therapy is about increasing resiliency. Not toughness.

It is about being able to accept all the parts of us, and to be able tp manage the soft (vulnerable) parts of us too. It's about integration of all the sides to us, not about disvowing different ascpets to ourselves.

Sorry, but there isn't a healthy therapeutic process in the world that is going to make that soft vulnerable part of you that you hate go away, because it is a strength.

But right now, I can tell you really struggle to be able to handle that softer side.

There is a way to become more resilent, and less distressed about that softer side to you. There is a way to feel emotions and hate them less, and have them not feel like they will run the show if you feel them. Shoving emotions or soft sides to us away is a good way to get stuck in a form of the numb-flood cycle. When people push an emotion (or all emotions) or a side to themselves away, it tends to come back and flood the person and then they hate it more because it feels like the emotion is all there is and horrible things happen and it's just generally miserable, and so then they push it away more until it's coming out sideways and every little and big thing is really distressing and eventually it floods again.

There's another way.

Doing CBT, DBT, and processing any underlying trauma will increase your ability to feel the emotions that are there, without them being so distressing. This doesn't mean someone becomes less sensitive - but actually able to feel more, to retain sensitivity with flexibility to be able to choose when to let the guard down, and when to be able to work through something more easily.

Oh, I am explaining this so badly...

If you are not in therapy, finding a good therapist (not like the crap one you saw) with experience and training in treating trauma is one good first step. Since you are also quite proactive in looking stuff up online, check out things like DBT self help or trauma focused CBT books, and keep reading around here on the forums. You may find a lot of helpful info and tools. Some of it may seem silly or hokey at first, but it may help over time.

I personally hate my vulnerable side too. It scares me. I don't want to get hurt - and i have hurt very badly. Here, there are many people who get it. It's hard to work through, but I can tell you, it is so worth it. Learning to be ok with being vulnerable and soft has not made me less tough. It has made me more resilient and more able to engage the world like I want to. I still have a lot of work to myself...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Your therapist was a fool. Like you, I was raised in a home where sensitivity was considered to the the same as weakness, but I wasn't able to hide it, so I was ridiculed and bullied by my family.

Now that I'm far away from my family, I know that my sensitivity is my greatest gift. It allows me to feel deep empathy and compassion, and to appreciate the beauty all around me that most people don't notice. I would rather cry at a beautiful sight than be indifferent to it. I wouldn't trade my sympathy for anything. I hope someday you're able to feel the same.

 

[sun seeker]

Anyone have a therapist say this and maybe offer advice as to how it might be done please?

No, I haven't, but if I did, I'd be running out the door in search of a new therapist. They should be helping you find ways to work with the temperament you have and finding the good in it, not putting you down for it. I'm sorry that happened to you. To me, the world needs more sensitive men rather than the reverse!

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you share what you said to him that prompted this "toughen up!" response?

 

[ghotiff]

If a therapist told me to toughen up, I'd wonder why they need me to. It's a flaw in others that they need people to hide their feelings.

Maybe that's not clear, I'll try again. Person A has emotions, person B says to toughen up. This is because person B can't handle their emotional response to person A s feelings. It's called projection where person B tells person A the message that's actually directed to themselves.

That was tricky to explain hope it makes sense.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

The strongest, bravest, best and most admirable men I know are sensitive to others, sensitive about themselves, and have cried in front of me. Don't listen to that therapist. You don't need to "toughen up." Sounds like that therapist could use a good dose of "softening up."

 

[Deleted member 31177]

Can you share what you said to him that prompted this "toughen up!" response?

I don't see any need at all for OP to explain anything to us about anything he said in therapy. He did not "prompt" the T to respond this way - it was not OP's fault for stupid-face T's ridiculous response, it was the ignorant therapist's ignorance and lack of empathy and understanding of the nature of people and how to read them.

And to VanZan, ANYONE, especially a Therapist telling you that you need to "toughen up" should NOT be practicing in this field! This T was WAY out of line and, as many others here have stated, sensitivity is a beautiful strength that is so hard to find in a man, and a strength that women LOVE! You ARE a manly-man moreso than those that "appear tough." They can only WISH to be softer so that they can be more understanding to their partners and friends.

I have been told to "Suck it up" "Toughen up" "Others have it harder than you" "Don't be a baby" "Quit complaining" (I have chronic acute pain in many, many different ways and areas of my body, along with the PTSD, Major Depression and Anxiety), "Cowgirl up" I often am just ignored, or am told "You're just looking for sympathy" (I HATE that), but anyways, your sensitivity is a gift from God!! You are blessed. :-)

 

[The Albatross]

Some years ago? My therapist would say move on. It does sound as though it was troubling for you... and I'm sorry for that. However I kinda don't get that ("I remember when I was in therapy some years ago near the end of our time together my T surprised me by saying I needed to "toughen up". Really got to me") unless it's a resentment.

What does this have to do with being empathic?