So tomorrow is the first appearance in court for the stranger that assaulted me on July 4 while I was working. I don't have to be there, so the stress I feel surrounding this is not due to being scared of facing the man. I can't fully explain why I'm nervous about tomorrow's court date, all I really know is that I am. I have mixed feelings about what I want the outcome to be, and again, I'm not entirely sure about the reasons for each.
On the one hand, I hope he pleads guilty so it doesn't go to trial and that I never have to see this man's face again. And on the other hand, I almost hope he doesn't plead guilty, so it does go to trial (because he will lose, there is surveillance video of it happening). I mostly know why I hope he does plead guilty, but what I'm unsure about is the part of me that doesn't want him to plead guilty, and wants it to go to trial. Why would I want that? That would mean facing him, having it drag on for who knows how long, have it effect me longer so I can't deal with other things in therapy because this is hanging over my head.
All I've been doing is thinking about it. I've had so little justice with any past abuse that now that I am seeing justice happening I don't know what I want from it. I'm unsure if I want it to go to trial to make up for all the times I was never taken seriously or believed (from different abusers), or if there is another reason, or just no reason at all. I'm very stressed out and worked up about this. I don't know what time the appearance is supposed to be, so I will be calling several times throughout the day to find out what happened.
I have a scheduled appointment with my T for the following day, and the social worker later in the week. I'm trying very hard to stay far away from self harm as a coping tool after the most recent round of it. I want to cope in a healthier way, so I'm trying to stay distracted from it all. Keeping busy, staying out of the house, and reading a book my T lent me on why women self harm. I'm using every "healthy" coping tool in my arsenal. I want to be better than this, I want to be able to go to my T the following day and say that despite how upset/scared/anxious I was, that I didn't deal with it in an unhealthy way - then I will give myself permission to fall apart.
On the one hand, I hope he pleads guilty so it doesn't go to trial and that I never have to see this man's face again. And on the other hand, I almost hope he doesn't plead guilty, so it does go to trial (because he will lose, there is surveillance video of it happening). I mostly know why I hope he does plead guilty, but what I'm unsure about is the part of me that doesn't want him to plead guilty, and wants it to go to trial. Why would I want that? That would mean facing him, having it drag on for who knows how long, have it effect me longer so I can't deal with other things in therapy because this is hanging over my head.
All I've been doing is thinking about it. I've had so little justice with any past abuse that now that I am seeing justice happening I don't know what I want from it. I'm unsure if I want it to go to trial to make up for all the times I was never taken seriously or believed (from different abusers), or if there is another reason, or just no reason at all. I'm very stressed out and worked up about this. I don't know what time the appearance is supposed to be, so I will be calling several times throughout the day to find out what happened.
I have a scheduled appointment with my T for the following day, and the social worker later in the week. I'm trying very hard to stay far away from self harm as a coping tool after the most recent round of it. I want to cope in a healthier way, so I'm trying to stay distracted from it all. Keeping busy, staying out of the house, and reading a book my T lent me on why women self harm. I'm using every "healthy" coping tool in my arsenal. I want to be better than this, I want to be able to go to my T the following day and say that despite how upset/scared/anxious I was, that I didn't deal with it in an unhealthy way - then I will give myself permission to fall apart.