Cptsd, Middle Age, And Starting Over

[Deleted member 9159]

I am a 56 year old woman that has been living with cptsd for 50 years now. I've been in therapy a few times since the late 1970's, but nothing seemed to be really helpful until 2 years ago when I began a combination of talk therapy and EMDR. The EMDR has helped alleviate the flash-backs, panic-anxiety etc.; the intensity of the ptsd.

Over the last 20 years I have gradually isolated myself down to one friend and my family members. I haven't worked in over 10 years, and my last job (very very simple job) was as the lone attendant in a small retail shop. I didn't have to have any really indepth relationships there. I have had other large gaps in my employment history. Working has been very difficult for me due to the issues of cptsd.

What brings me to this forum now? Relating to people, and trying to be a part of the world again. My marriage of 30 years may be going down the tube. Through my husbands own experience in therapy, it has been discovered that he is mildly affected with asperger's syndrome. Hence, he is emotionally distant, and interested only in himself and his "things", and he doesn't understand when he's hurting other people most of the time. With my symptoms; low self esteem, feeling unworthy etc., etc.; 30 years of marriage to this man has not helped me, except (ha!) to give me a chance to isolate from the world through being a "housewife". Don't get me wrong. He has supported me and done the best he can. And to be fair, how has my cptsd affected his struggle with asperger's?

Now, with the realization of how my marriage has compounded my cptsd, I'm feeling pretty hopeless about my future. Do I stay in this relationship and try to make it work better, or seek divorce? I don't have a career to make it possible to live a comfortable independant life. I'm still excessively "shy". I am trying to get the courage to take college courses to give me a chance to be independant. I am trying to make a decision on WHAT courses to take, for cryin out loud. Making choices is a horrible struggle for me. And being 56 in a class full of 18-20 year olds is intimidating. I'm thinking about correspondance school because of that. But then there is the hurdle of actually getting a job, and working with -yikes- people.

I'm still in therapy, (in 50 years you accumulate lots of crud) so my therapist is working on this with me. But I'd love to have input and encouragement from other adult people with cptsd. For right now, I just feel like I can't move forward. I'm once again becoming depressed, hopeless, blah blah blah........ I sure would like to form some connections

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Jakalyndee,

Welcome to the Forum!

I'm certain you will connect with some very understanding, empathetic people on here who understand what you have gone, and are going, through.

Sure sounds like you have a lot on your mind lately: ie. where do I find a job? should I leave him? should I go back to school? regular or correspondence school? etc.

These questions are major life-changing ones that all adults ask themselves now and then. But to ask them all at the same time would be overwhelming for anybody.

Add to that your C-PTSD symptoms which affect your ability to make decisions, well that would be discouraging for sure.

So it's understandable why you are feeling down and hopeless :(

I believe I have had C-PTSD all my life too, so I can relate to what you are saying. I know that feeling of hopelessness and have experienced it many times in my life. But I always pulled through somehow.

I will leave you with this, hoping it offers you some hope: One thing that I noticed was that, of the many life changing events that have happened to me, some of them "happened to me". I didn't make them happen by some decision I took.

So who knows what good thing or opportunity may come your way soon! There's always hope that Life will smile your way!

Best wishes with tackling the major issues that are before you.

The Forum is here for you Jakalyndee. We're listening...

 

[leanne1321]

Wow! It seems that you are very confused about so much in your life right now.

My advice would be to try to slow it down and deal with one thing at a time. Focusing on a college course would be a great way to gain some sense of independence, pick something that you have a passion for. I understand that being in a class of young adults would be intimidating (I'm only 26 and would feel the same), but there is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself and gain some skills on the way.

As for your husband, it seems a bit drastic to rush into such a big decision at the moment, but the most important thing is do you love him? And can you see yourself being happy with him in the future?

I hope that this helps and this is just my opinion because although the idea may be exciting, taking on too much in one go can be very overwhelming.

 

[Deleted member 9159]

Thanks for your kindness JohnnyM53 and for being there to listen.

When I saw that I had responses I have to admit that I was a bit afraid of looking to see what people had written. This is the first time I've opened up to others (other than my therapist) in a long time. Your encouraging words about life changes that just "happened" does gives me some hope.

Because I haven't been in good shape, for quite a few years now, I was overwhelmed by decisions I needed to make, and spent a good deal of time dissociating and numbing. I wasn't paying attention to the things that have just "happened to me". I'll have to take another look at that now.

Thanks. It's good to talk to someone who knows, personally, what it feels like. Today is "therapy day" for me and I'm always surprised by how it turns out. We'll see what happens.

 

[Lionheart]

Although I most certainly would have never tried without some support, my "T" encouraged me to go back to school. So, after being out of school for 28 years, I went back and surprisingly enough, I graduated with a degree. There were other people at the school, some quite a bit older than me, (I'm 50 now), and we supported each other. There was also a disability department that helped me when I had issues with my internship due to the disabling C-PTSD that I suffer.

I also want to share with you that, I was once under "the pit of hell", with no hope and no self-esteem. My PTSD symptoms were severe and my depression scores were off the charts, (when I first started therapy 11 years ago). Sticking with therapy was hard for the first couple of years and then it began to get easier and I found that I was healing in ways that I never dreamt possible. I still have issues to contend with, therapy to go to, medicines to take and relationships to work on, but I am happy and free from the guilt and shame that used to plague me. I sometimes still feel helpless, but I almost never feel hopeless anymore. I have developed a healthy sense of myself and am able to be a support person for others who are where I once was.

It has been a long journey for me and I will most likely being dealing with C-PTSD for the remainder of my life, but the point of all of this is that, I am a much more whole and complete person...strong in the broken places, in a way that people without C-PTSD may never know. I hope this gives you some hope and encouragement to keep on keeping on. My best to you.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi again Jakalyndee :)

I think a lot of us were afraid to post our first time because we didn't know what others on the Forum would write back. I think I was. But like you, it was a positive experience. Glad to hear that you feel a bit more comfy sharing yourself with us on here and that our comments are somewhat helpful.

I'll keep reading your thread and, if I see you're asking for advice from us, I'll do my best to give you my thoughts on the matter.

Johnny :)

 

[Deleted member 9159]

Thankyou Lionheart777. I am so glad you wrote to me. I just got back from therapy, and my therapist strongly encouraged me to go back to school so I was happy to read your post.

Like you I felt "under the pit of hell". That's a perfect description. After all the breakdowns, I've had over the years, 2 years ago was the worst. I didn't know it was possible to feel so bad. Since then, I've had regular and pretty intensive therapy, that has been uncomfortable at the least and horribly painful at worst. It is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I have at times felt badly about the fact that I still need to see my therapist after 2 years - I really thought I would "get better" and not have to go anymore, so I'm glad to hear that you perservered and it got easier. Like you my symptoms have been so severe that I know I will probably need to keep going, at least off and on, for the rest of my life.

I'm really glad I got brave enough to take part in this forum. Wish I'd done it sooner.

 

[Deleted member 9159]

Thanks again Johnny, It has been so good to realize that there are kind and positive people out there to talk to. I'm sure I'll have questions, so thanks for keeping an eye out.

 

[Deleted member 9159]

Thanks leanne1321. When I wrote my intro I was feeling really overwhelmed because of some of the things that had happened over the past week. But you are completely right. One thing at a time. School first. Although the courses I am planning are very "job" oriented, (a quick way to get into the the job market), I think it would be a good idea to take something creative. The problems in my marriage have been there for a long time and can wait, hopefully.

 

[Deleted member 9159]

Sorry all, if I am not doing this properly. I have never done this before and I just found out I was probably doing something the wrong way. Thanks for your patience.

 

[JohnnyM53]

You seem to be doing ok to me Jakalyndee. Is someone telling you otherwise??

 

[Deleted member 9159]

Hi Johhny, how are you today? I think I fixed what was wrong, I'm not sure right now. I got a note about "quotes" and not using them, and I came back and did an edit that I think fixed everything. The note said something about previewing and I don't actually see a preview option on here. Better read a tutorial. I need to learn more about how the forum works. I just sort of threw myself into it.

Coming online, telling my story, people responding, and all, kind of turned out to be a trigger, and I had to lay low. I guess I thought I was ready and going to do okay, but I should have expected to have some trouble at first.

One thing I have been wondering about is the whole dissociative disorder subject. I've been told I need ego state therapy. Have you, or Lionheart777, or anyone else stopping in to read had to deal with this? I spent quite a lot of time surfing the internet last night reading what was out there, and I'm confused about DID and ego states where the line is drawn and how my experiences fit in to the mix.