Criterion A, Loopholes And Denial.

[Abstract]

I remembered doing it then, but put it away. Now when I remember things, I can't own them for awhile. I tell my therapist, but I feel like I'm lying..... I just can't fit the abuse into my "picture" of my childhood. I decided that I would proceed as if they were true. ..... Of course my first thought was that I was making it up but I wasn't aware of it. I think the decision to go forward even with the feelings of disbelief has allowed me to eventually believe.

It is helping me realize that not believing is not a character flaw, just a part of the big picture when you are a dissociative person.

Thanks Monster! That is helpful.

I think with some things I put it away too. I have a very vague sense of that. Other things I have a concept of them but have never "remembered" them in a normal way. No aspect of them. It is rather like someone wrote the title of a book a book that I have never read and handed it to me. The concept is there and nothing else. Straying in that general direction has my mind bounce off of it and it has done that all along I believe and never slipped.

Then some other experiences I know happened in the black hole period of my life where I have almost no memories. I have many before and then ten or so years later I have more gradually and then all of a sudden much more at a certain point about 22 years ago. I have zero memories of these things.

I very much relate to the stuff not fitting into my life. I have a thread here titled, "this is not my life".

Thank you for sharing what you do to get past this. I can see how that would be helpful. I think I do a version of this when the other self abusing side of me is less out of control. I carry on as if and just tell myself that it doesnt have to be true but I can do things anyway.

Thanks for sharing the book title. I have been vaguely wondering how much of this behaviour may be fuelled by dissociation and long term - years and years - of avoidance. That it might not be a character flaw as much as I detest myself and feel it is. So it is very interesting to hear you mention this!

If I could only have the courage and find the physical voice to actually tell a T about this lying stuff then that may help.

Glad to hear you are trusting yourself more.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Junebug. I think there can be many things that make children feel unable to ask for help and some of those may be personality based but much comes from environment. The burden issue seems to be huge for you and there must be reason for it. Someone has indoctrinated you somehow in some way.

Dear Abstract, just hurrying must head to work, but thank you for those words, I'll say, it is a ('the'?) huge issue for me, I try hard to believe there could be an alternate explanation. But as of yet I can't find it, or believe it. I don't know. Tied in with talking or 'revealing' stuff and such, too, I think. Maybe 'need', of any kind.

((((((Sweet sweet Abstract)))).

 

[Abstract]

I am so f*cked up. Just not convinced it is PTSD. So tired of myself going backwards and forwards and up and down. Really not sure what to do. I get a little clearer but it never lasts and I am just stuck. Attempting to accept the self hatred and just let it float past me. I am 45 years old for goodness sake. I don't have time to mess around.

I am not religious but it feels like being possessed in some ways.

 

[Jacnic]

Can I send you a hug, Abstract? :hug:

Jac

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Jacnic. You are kind.

Trying not to beat myself for being a drama queen etc etc etc ... :rolleyes:

 

[JustBe]

I don't think you're being a drama queen abstract. It's hard to understand, its hard to accept and it's a process.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you for your kindness MovinOn. Hating myself a lot at present but trying to do the right things.

 

[Abstract]

Aghhhh.... :facepalm::alien:

As stuck as a stuck person.

 

[Jacnic]

You are not alone - there are more of us out here that do really understand! :alien:

 

[DharmaGirl]

Abstract, I understand what you are going through. When I would feel the good stuff in the midst of all the bad, my therapist would say that I made a string. He said every time I feel good would be another string. When I have enough strings, I would start to weave a rope, and when I had a rope, I could pull myself up. I thought he was an idiot, however that's exactly what happened.

You have made strings. You continue to make them. I know that from where you are right now, it doesn't feel like it. I know how it feels. I almost didn't live through it. Even though it feels as if you are stuck, you are still open to healing or you wouldn't be trying so hard. Even now, when I am progressing, I still have days where I don't believe I am human. I do hope you feel better, you are such a kind and intelligent person.

Oh, and I didn't get my diagnosis until I was 52, lol.

 

[Abstract]

Janic and Monster. I shall answer properly when I find the words but just wanted to thank you. Very touched by what you both said and it was helpful.

I was again feeling like a crazy person and alone and hopeless. I didn't think anyone could say anything that would help me. :alien:

I am sending you both back some of what you sent to me.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you. You will get through this. We are here to help. It is the hardest thing I've ever done so keep trying.