Criticism Frustration

[anonymous]

I guess the two words of my subject truly describe my core problem with dealing with anything at the present moment in life.

Since I never understood that I have PTSD until quite recently, now I am looking at that context and realizing that I really something I am not getting. I need help to navigate unfamiliar territory, where it's easy to get kicked around while you don't know what you're doing.

Instead of having productive conversations, this is what I get back from those I really expect support from.

• Life just revolves around you
• Get over yourself
• You are so difficult
• Try to actually do something today
• You're the one that's picky and won't ever make up your mind
• Why can't you just have a productive conversation, and not assume things are being demanded of you?

I am so tired of being criticized and I don't know how to do something about it.

Paradoxically, I want to know what to do to not screw up and cause the criticism, and at the same time it feels like that can't happen until someone is supporting me and trying to not criticize me so much.


Why can't they try to help me instead of just expecting me to be perfect then being mad when I fail to do so.

If I am just too frustrating to be around, why am I wasting their and my effort continuing to try?

I don't want to give up the life that we achieved over years of being together. But it almost feels like anything I did prior to now was a total farce because of the PTSD. I am really confused. That part is probably out of scope of my topic. Just an afterthought to this context.

 

[Barberian]

I want to know what to do to not screw up and cause the criticism,

It's not you, it's them. Some people are not capable of accepting others who are not as they want them to be. This is a reflection of their personality, not yours. Live your life as you want to, are able to. Some "friends" will fall to the side. If you keep your eyes open, you may find new friends. The "friends" you lose were not your friends to begin with, you were merely an extension of the world they wanted. Now that your "different" they are trying to change you back to what THEY want you to be.

I know this sounds easier than it actually is. I have no RL friends because I can't relate to people well, and don't get out much.

IMHO when you get rid of these "friends" you will enjoy life more. It's extremely unlikely they will learn to become better people and stop criticizing you.

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[BLHutch]

PTSD has more or less caused me to lose most of my family (including my parents). They tend to say the types of things that you listed above. Of course, they never understood why I went into law enforcement in the first place and so there is a certain "I told you so" element in play as well. I only have a couple of friends that I still associate with. And of course, my "little redhead" (aka: wife), who I would be completely lost without. Thank God I have her because I don't know that I could make it if I didn't.

I think my cats are more understanding than most people are and so I prefer to just spend time with them and my wife. I sort of came to the conclusion that if you are a family member or friend of mine and you don't or won't take the time to listen to what I am going through so that you can understand why I am the way I am, then you can kiss my Irish-American butt.

Probably not the best attitude in the world to have, but it works for me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think part of it may be your own feelings of never being good enough, but a bigger part is simply who these people are.

I get tired of hearing the same sorts if things. People get sick if me. Ok, so I decide to put some distance between us, and they complain about that too. It seems THEY want US to change, but only at their speed, which is NOW. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. I was sick of the merry-go-round and decided to get off. I am on an indefinite break from these people. In the past I asked for time and was denied. This time they have no choice. There will be time and space between us and if that breaks the relationship then so be it. I need this to take care of myself. These people weren't supportive of my healing so they must go for now. It's sad knowing that I've built up so much with them, but this is how it is. I am putting myself first.

 

[Venusian]

I think most of us have had that experience. Sometimes the comments are just because they don't know how to react, they just don't know how to talk and/or be supportive. Sometimes they think the "tough love" is the best way to support someone and sometimes what they say is what the other person needs to hear. With PTSD though, it backfires and they don't know that everything can just cycle or get stuck and there is nothing we can do about it except to talk it out again and again before it no longer has that hold on us.

I just reread the past couple of months of my diary and it was the same thing over and over again and the reality is that what I was feeling was valid each and every time I wrote it down. I was even thinking the same things in my head that you listed and then I read your opening post and realized what I was doing. We have to have some compassion for ourselves, we have to have compassion for the people that are supporting us. Maybe they want to help and just don't know how to and it is a great opportunity for a little bit of education on what you need from them. It is exhausting for us to go through and sometimes for them if they don't understand.

 

[arfie]

Every single one of those phrases have shown up repeatedly in my own healing journey. I have come to translate all of them as, "I can't help you with this one." and to let that be okay. Nobody, not even my most beloved family and friends, can be my everything. It takes a community to live a full, rich life.

My personal solution was to build and maintain a therapy network where I can work out my PTSD and bipolar issues. And here I am, working it out with folks who share similar issues.

Gentle, anonymous hugs. Hope you find what works for you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Some people are not capable of accepting others who are not as they want them to be

Especially if you are setting boundaries. Some people flat out refuse to recognize boundaries, and act as if you are being selfish for setting them.

THEY want US to change, but only at their speed

Yes, I totally agree. I have come a long way in 2 years but I feel pushed to be normal.

 

[Britt.f7]

Okay, I know, I think, where you are coming from. I had many of the same messages given to me. It is okay to stand up for yourself and say that you understand they may be trying to be helpful but it is not working for you and tell them what you need. I've had to stop many people who say things similar to the above just to get my point across. I don't even expect them to understand what I am going through. Heck, I don't even understand it half the time, but I do need them to accept what I am saying and not disrespect me. They may not feel it, but I remind them that I do. That I often wish I didn't. That I can't be them. I also know that it is hard to stand up for yourself depending on where you are at. It's okay to say hey you are not being helpful. Tell them their reaction does not make it better for you. Sometimes you just need a person to listen.

As far as your relationship being a farce up until this point. It wasn't. It was, and possibly still is, what you needed. However, going through recovery, healing, changes a person. You will not be the same person you were. Possibly you are already changing and that can be scary for anyone. Some people just can't deal with that. I'm lucky, I have someone very supportive when the world of my family seems far less helpful and supportive. I get that not everyone has that. It didn't happen over night, but it was because I changed during one intense month long stay in a hospital. I came out the same me, but stronger. Healing will give you power.

I wish you strength.

 

[Seasounds]

Thank for your writing. I've been there; i have felt like there was no way to win, and that there was no way, to not feel criticized. It surely takes learning a set of skills to live with PTSD. Speaking for myself, I did not learn healthy social and relational skills from my family. And from years of constantly protecting myself, I didn't have the ability to learn any social skills, until I did enough healing to feel safe enough, to let down my guard.

Some of the things I worked on were:

• learning how to forgive myself-I thought I was to blame.
• learning the right people, with whom to share my story.
• knowing how to learn to talk "small talk", to get acquainted to others.
• not expecting the general population to understand me.
• developing the social skill to appear 'ok' in a public setting.
• developing friends who naturally enjoy me.

Also, these have been important:

• learning how to create equal listening time with others.
• learning how to not escalate/criticize back.
• learning how to open my heart, to myself and others.
• learning how to create boundaries, gracefully.
• learning that other people have problems too-this helps me deflect/neutralize criticism of others, while I take the space to re-evaluate, and to emotionally support myself.

Most people don't have the skills, nor the compassion, to understand, or to respectfully relate to, me. For self-preservation, I don't hold a grudge; it drains my energy. Instead, I understand their limitations (i.e. forgive them) and adjust my relationship to them. This makes it easier to move on, and to care for myself.

Be easy on yourself and others. Give yourself time. Enjoy your new choices!

 

[keifer]

I have 4 close friends who know I have this. 1 is a marine and the other have had no dealings with PTSD. They all support me.

I didn't know I had PTSD, I found out recently and still don't really want to accept it. The more I read about it, well I fit it to a T so it's hard but gets easier. After I told my marine friend, he said the way I was acting, he wondered if I had PTSD.

My Coworkers do not understand. They have never been through it. Later, I can try and explain. It's very hard to explain something I don't understand myself.

So my guide as I call her (counselor/therapist) suggested I have my sister come to a session. Going to do that. I'm thinking I might ask about my coworkers who know and I'm close to.

Just a thought. I read I'm not alone, but it sure feels like it. This forum is nice knowing, I'm not alone.

I also found out my PTSD yoga instructor who I work with, also has/had PTSD though she's not close to me but is very understanding.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

You are blessed to have a PTSD yoga instructor. Wow, I'd love that...not sure though how much yoga I could actually do, since I have physical issues that make me unbalanced, and a 'fall risk'.

You are NOT alone...there are SO many of us. Some are just beginning their fight, others, like myself, have fought for years to be free of my 'stinkin' thinkin', and self-hate. The voice inside me that says..."you are failing, and you always will."

I hope you will find help here, and through your working towards health. It IS worth it, and even if it never goes away, you can learn to 'manage' it.

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

I could continuously defend against the statements or messaging I was receiving from others, or I could find a newer more generally beneficial perception that best serves. Change and Arfie's posts are more in line with my view now.

I found I needed to cultivate a sense of autonomy and solidify my persona... my understanding of who I am and what I am about. From that more cohesive core, I am able to tolerate if not understand completely or agree with the criticisms of others. For the more toxic or unsafe people... I use boundary setting or ditch out on the relationship entirely. For the rest, I pause before reacting and ask myself "is this a well intentioned person?" Learning how to create the pause and listening to my own internal filters was paramount in my interactions with others.

It is not 100% effective, but it has generally improved and I hear comments like those in the initial post far less often. When I do, I give more credence to their intent (if well intentioned) and their own issues (if not).