Cruel to ourselves

[Cspray]

I understand that thoughts in my brain, negative cruel thoughts are not helpful or positive. But they come

I was wondering why this happens.. Is it stuff I used to hear from my childhood... And some how its locked in my brain, repeating itself?,... Or is it normal for everyone to have negative thoughts about themselves which is cruel, critical and nasty.
And then you wonder, well I do... Stop it.
. How the hell is this helpful.... I'm sick of hating myself....
And who's to blame me, my abusers, my family?,.... So many questions, but not many answers....

 

[grit]

This is my opinion based on what I learned and feel at the moment. At most neutral state, the self cannot hate itself. We are animals and animals do not experience self hate. So with that in mind, then how come we do self hate as humans? To me this means (from my personal experience) that either I was told often negative about me and I internalized this as a child. As I was told this over and over it became natural. Or I felt others around me hating themselves and I by osmosis or being around a sick parent, I took their feelings to make them feel OK or care for them or felt their fear or hatred and did not know what to do with this as a child and took it as mine.

All these happened to me and I recently saw the cracks in my psyche to distinguish them.

 

[Teamwork]

This is my opinion based on what I learned and feel at the moment. At most neutral state, the self cannot hate itself. We are animals and animals do not experience self hate. So with that in mind, then how come we do self hate as humans? To me this means (from my personal experience) that either I was told often negative about me and I internalized this as a child. As I was told this over and over it became natural. Or I felt others around me hating themselves and I by osmosis or being around a sick parent, I took their feelings to make them feel OK or care for them or felt their fear or hatred and did not know what to do with this as a child and took it as mine.

All these happened to me and I recently saw the cracks in my psyche to distinguish them.

Okay but what do you make of the opposite construct that we should love ourselves? I find that to be a very unnatural thing to do as well.

 

[EveHarrington]

what do you make of the opposite construct that we should love ourselves?

I bet you anything that this is a modern psych concept.

I believe we should care for ourselves, respect ourselves, but curious what loving ourselves looks like!

 

[Cspray]

This is my opinion based on what I learned and feel at the moment. At most neutral state, the self cannot hate itself. We are animals and animals do not experience self hate. So with that in mind, then how come we do self hate as humans? To me this means (from my personal experience) that either I was told often negative about me and I internalized this as a child. As I was told this over and over it became natural. Or I felt others around me hating themselves and I by osmosis or being around a sick parent, I took their feelings to make them feel OK or care for them or felt their fear or hatred and did not know what to do with this as a child and took it as mine.

All these happened to me and I recently saw the cracks in my psyche to distinguish them.

So we have been brainwashed....?.. I understand that. And you're right animals...don't have this

 

[grit]

Hi guys, I am not a therapist nor a scientist and I can only provide what my understanding of my own journey has been like.
When I look a baby, fed, washed, and touched properly what I see is a baby just enjoying of being there...like a happy rubber! nothing is out of homeostasis. But if the baby asks for milk/food and she is denied. Asks for cleaning and she is denied. Asks for love through touch and she is denied. Or the opposite, it is given too much food to shut up. Or diaper is moved aggressively and shamed. or it is touched harshly or inappropriate...then the baby cannot distinguish that is being done to and would internalized as done and internal and part of her experience and may form some hate of those things being done but not knowing who is doing it and believing she did it.

This is my experience. I did not love or hate at the beginning I was just be! both hate and love are things given to me to internalize, digest, become part of me. Just part of natural progression but one is given more often than not. So as the top poster was asking about cruel to the self....well before she was aware of the self being developed, her bucket was filled with experiences that are too traumatic for a child and she cannot distinguish what is truly hers (being and living as human) versus what happened to her to fill her tank with self-hate.

Not sure if this is answer to your question but to me that is what I experienced and I was trying to put in words.

Today, I no longer hate or love myself. I am learning how to be just be!

 

[TruthSeeker]

My self crapping statements come from several sources- some quite protective-but all degrading and this is LEARNED behavior- so it can be unlearned.

Fat, overweight, sick, bad, unworthy, ignorant, ugly, mathematically inept, not do smart, crazy, mean, blah, blah, blah- were words from my parents and my brother when I was young.

Married/divorced over time- they repeated these messages- and added flavor-supporting the old tapes.

The messages originated in childhood- internal critic tells me how worthless I am-I counter those messages verbally with NO I’m not- and get angry and give examples of the opposite. Anger stops the messages when I fight back at the critic. They are lessening over time as I evaluate and stop the tapes.

My inner critic is also protective- it attempts to stops me from participating in things that could bring me emotional or physical harm- even though it is safe now- it attempts to shut me inside- where it is safe. It is working overtime on old programs.

It compliments my outer critic who tells me it’s not safe outside, w new people, or bad people, and makes me suspicious and worry so I’ll stay safe inside. I explain it is safe- and no need to worry. My outer critic works on outdated programs- I just counter its concerns.

I hear less as time goes on- and as I converse with them.

 

[Rani G2]

How the hell is this helpful.... I'm sick of hating myself....
And who's to blame me, my abusers, my family?,.... So many questions, but not many answers....

Hi @Cspray

Nothing new being said here. Internalizing the Abuser in order to adapt myself to the environment, because there is a deep need for Attunement which is fundamental.
Abuser saw me as a continuation of himself, not an individual, an object, a projection screen (This is just an attempt to find an explaination, maybe true, maybe untrue, there are many variations!)

 

[frogthroat]

When you're small you're completely helpless. You totally rely on the adults around you to provide for you and show you how you're supposed to act. Good parents and caretakers provide an environment where you slowly learn who YOU are as a person while tending to your emotional and physical needs while providing structure.
When a child comes from an abusive background and it seems to be proven to them time and time again that they're disposable, worthless, and not worthy of love they internalize that as being "who they are inside." They believe this is what they project to other people and that something is horribly wrong with them and that they're "bad."
All I can say is that it's something you can relearn but it's a slow and steady process. Albeit, not a hopeless one. It does get better and easier. You start to come out of that cycle of punishing yourself little by little. When you can do that you start to shed your abuser's identity of you and start to form your own. When it becomes less painful it starts to become a beautiful experience in a sense but it's exhausting. That's just from my personal experience.

 

[PreciousChild]

I think I have a slightly different perspective to offer. I tend to think that the critical voices come from the internal censors that tried to keep me alive when I was a child by monitoring, scrutinizing and squashing thoughts and behaviors which would get me into trouble with my parents. The behaviors they try to squash are often life-affirming and natural because those were exactly what every child comes with - the need for recognition, esteem, belonging. They were twisted and buried in order to help me survive and the censors kept them from surfacing. My T reminds me that those critical voices aren't needed anymore. I'm grateful for the function they played, but now they hurt me more than help me.

 

[blackemerald1]

We are animals and animals do not experience self hate. So with that in mind, then how come we do self hate as humans?

Grit we are so separate from animals in many more ways. We are unique in a lot, if not all psychological ways too. So the comparison with animals is a bit off the mark. :sorry:

I agree with @PreciousChild and that explanation. I'm sure there are heaps of other reasons the inner critic gets to be the loudest voice too. It's not all about childhood abuse, neglect etc..