About nine months ago I finally got into therapy. My t has told me she considered me pretty much a hopeless case when we first met, it seemed like my schizoaffective disorder I developed when I was 18 had become chronic (which alone would mean no hope of significant recovery), I was an addict (lots of alcohol and some medication & drug abuse), I was chronically depressed and had pretty severe ptsd. However, now I'm doing better than ever (schizoaffective is in full remission, I'm not depressed and ptsd-symptoms are not that bad anymore), I have an internship as programmer, I'm over 8 months sober (turns out the alcohol played a massive part when it came to the schizoaffective and the depression) etc.
I have told my t very early on about my memories about CSA and how my symptoms seem to be largely centered around them (even though I have lots of other traumatic events in my later life that could have easily triggered ptsd, and which did definitely worsen my ptsd). We have discussed about it often but not in very much detail and we did do some work on reducing the avoidance related to the emotions and symptoms related to it like three months ago (which had a huge effect, got me to the point where I was able to work again), but we never went very deep on the subject.
So in last session my t basically told me that she had thought that I was not stable enough for us to go any deeper on the subject, and that now it was time to talk about it, since she thinks that its the root cause of most of my symptoms. She said that based on her 20 years of experience in working in psychiatry (previous to her career as a therapist) and 10 years of experience as a psychotherapist, she is 100% certain that i have been abused. I definitely know that myself, but since the CSA-memories are recovered memories (just like literally around half of my childhood memories are, to be fair) I have a strong tendency to second-guess myself on the subject, which I have been doing ever since the memories started surfacing.
We proceeded to talk about it and I was finally able to fully express how much shame, self-hatred, self-loathing, guilt, anger etc. I have related to it, hidden under the surface. On the surface I look like I have OK self-esteem, but on the inside, I scrutinize myself all the time and blame myself for every little failure, I very rarely allow myself to feel positive about anything, and deep inside I'm filled with self-hatred and disgusted about myself. My t said that knowing my life story and current symptomatology, she does not find this hard to believe. I know that there is no way I could rationally place any blame on myself on the CSA since it happened between the ages of six and ten and that no child ever deserves anything like that, but deep inside I think that it was my fault and that I deserved what happened to me. We talked about it and she said the things that I already know, like that these are very normal feelings when it comes to CSA and that there is absolutely no way I am to blame for it, but I cannot describe in words how important it was to hear this face-to-face from someone I trust. After the session I was able to feel true self-compassion, something which I think I have never felt before in my whole life.
Basically I have had loads of unexplained symptoms and other things since the age of six (which was when the abuse started). However, the memories only started surfacing when I was 17, about six months after the dissociation (I think I had like a mild case of DID or something like that) started to slowly break down, and thats when I got an explanation for these symptoms. I'm 22 now and ever since the first memories started surfacing, I have been trapped in this daily cycle where this thing comes into my mind, I often start believing that it probably happened, then I start thinking it didn't happen, and finally I push it away with a barrage of dissociation, denial and self-hatred (what helps me to push it away is thinking some horrible stuff, like that if it happened I deserved it, and that if it happened, I should "just get over it" and not even think about it). I also regularly get flashbacks where I feel like I'm getting raped and every time we talk about the subject with the t, I get really triggered (on a general level I can talk about CSA as much as a I want, but when it comes to my memories, I once even managed to trigger a psychotic episode when I tried to process them on my own). Also, if I go into full denial and try to block everything CSA-related, I start dissociating extremely heavily, which is why I don't go that far on the denial anymore.
My t also said that she thinks the CSA has caused me problems with my sexuality (she probably has noticed I never talk about my sexuality, which must be a pretty clear sign since I'm male and 22 years old), which I totally agree on since I have huge problems when it comes to that.
Of course the denial is not just about the CSA, at times I start thinking about all the traumatic things that I have always remembered and which I have been told by others that they happened, and start thinking that maybe they never happened either and I sometimes also think that I don't have ptsd and that my t thinks I don't have ptsd (which is kind of amusing because she definitely thinks I have ptsd and for the last six months we have been mainly talking about my ptsd, and we meet once-a-week).
I think the denial and the self-hatred go hand-in-hand, they both kind of support each other.
So if you have experiences related to the subject or just related to denial and/or self-hatred (so it doesn't have to necessarily be CSA), please share them if you feel like it, I would appreciate any responses.
I have told my t very early on about my memories about CSA and how my symptoms seem to be largely centered around them (even though I have lots of other traumatic events in my later life that could have easily triggered ptsd, and which did definitely worsen my ptsd). We have discussed about it often but not in very much detail and we did do some work on reducing the avoidance related to the emotions and symptoms related to it like three months ago (which had a huge effect, got me to the point where I was able to work again), but we never went very deep on the subject.
So in last session my t basically told me that she had thought that I was not stable enough for us to go any deeper on the subject, and that now it was time to talk about it, since she thinks that its the root cause of most of my symptoms. She said that based on her 20 years of experience in working in psychiatry (previous to her career as a therapist) and 10 years of experience as a psychotherapist, she is 100% certain that i have been abused. I definitely know that myself, but since the CSA-memories are recovered memories (just like literally around half of my childhood memories are, to be fair) I have a strong tendency to second-guess myself on the subject, which I have been doing ever since the memories started surfacing.
We proceeded to talk about it and I was finally able to fully express how much shame, self-hatred, self-loathing, guilt, anger etc. I have related to it, hidden under the surface. On the surface I look like I have OK self-esteem, but on the inside, I scrutinize myself all the time and blame myself for every little failure, I very rarely allow myself to feel positive about anything, and deep inside I'm filled with self-hatred and disgusted about myself. My t said that knowing my life story and current symptomatology, she does not find this hard to believe. I know that there is no way I could rationally place any blame on myself on the CSA since it happened between the ages of six and ten and that no child ever deserves anything like that, but deep inside I think that it was my fault and that I deserved what happened to me. We talked about it and she said the things that I already know, like that these are very normal feelings when it comes to CSA and that there is absolutely no way I am to blame for it, but I cannot describe in words how important it was to hear this face-to-face from someone I trust. After the session I was able to feel true self-compassion, something which I think I have never felt before in my whole life.
Basically I have had loads of unexplained symptoms and other things since the age of six (which was when the abuse started). However, the memories only started surfacing when I was 17, about six months after the dissociation (I think I had like a mild case of DID or something like that) started to slowly break down, and thats when I got an explanation for these symptoms. I'm 22 now and ever since the first memories started surfacing, I have been trapped in this daily cycle where this thing comes into my mind, I often start believing that it probably happened, then I start thinking it didn't happen, and finally I push it away with a barrage of dissociation, denial and self-hatred (what helps me to push it away is thinking some horrible stuff, like that if it happened I deserved it, and that if it happened, I should "just get over it" and not even think about it). I also regularly get flashbacks where I feel like I'm getting raped and every time we talk about the subject with the t, I get really triggered (on a general level I can talk about CSA as much as a I want, but when it comes to my memories, I once even managed to trigger a psychotic episode when I tried to process them on my own). Also, if I go into full denial and try to block everything CSA-related, I start dissociating extremely heavily, which is why I don't go that far on the denial anymore.
My t also said that she thinks the CSA has caused me problems with my sexuality (she probably has noticed I never talk about my sexuality, which must be a pretty clear sign since I'm male and 22 years old), which I totally agree on since I have huge problems when it comes to that.
Of course the denial is not just about the CSA, at times I start thinking about all the traumatic things that I have always remembered and which I have been told by others that they happened, and start thinking that maybe they never happened either and I sometimes also think that I don't have ptsd and that my t thinks I don't have ptsd (which is kind of amusing because she definitely thinks I have ptsd and for the last six months we have been mainly talking about my ptsd, and we meet once-a-week).
I think the denial and the self-hatred go hand-in-hand, they both kind of support each other.
So if you have experiences related to the subject or just related to denial and/or self-hatred (so it doesn't have to necessarily be CSA), please share them if you feel like it, I would appreciate any responses.
