Cutting Off Family

[Seychelle]

I've been thinking more about this thread. Since I joined here, I've become very aware of the importance of not avoiding triggers (I still do some avoidance but I'm gradually working on noticing what I still do avoid and changing that).

I do occasionally wonder if cutting off from my parents is an avoidance strategy. At the same time, though, I know the flashbacks would have much slower to emerge (they only really started to come up after I cut off contact), if at all. So, I dunno. It feels a bit like a paradox or something.

Not sure if this post has made any sense at all or not. If not, I can try to rephrase again.

 

[Bettespaghetti]

I wonder the same thing myself. I avoid, numb, and detach and wonder sometimes how much of my distance with my family is avoidance and how much is because of how emotionally harmful they are to me. Question for the therapist this week I think as it's been a big thing on my mind for days.

Hugs!

 

[Moonshadow]

It's been 17 years, since I cut off contact with my mother and stepfather. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. My grandmother told me, that my mother no longer speaks of me. My stepfather died, a few years ago, may he rot in Hell.

I still have a relationship with my grandmother, as we have always had a very special bond. I know it hurts her, that I will not relent in my convictions, but I know that it's what is best for me.

It saddens me some, that I don't have a relationship with my half-sister. I left "home", when she was 10 and I was 16. So, we missed out on a crucial bonding period. We send each other Christmas cards, and that's about the extent of our contact.

I met my father when I was 18. I don't think there will ever be a true father-daughter bond there. He calls me a couple of times a year, around my birthday and Christmas. He's never seen his grandchildren (the oldest is 11). I've invited him to come here many, many times, but he always has something more important to do. I feel like I'm more of a novelty to him, than a daughter.

I have another sister, that I speak to every week or so. She's not a blood relative, but we've known each other all of our lives. Our mothers were best friends, when they were teens, and we have always been close. This sister understands the hell I went through, better than anyone, because she went through her own hell. We have different issues, but a very deep understanding of each other. Interestingly, this sister's mom no longer speaks to my mother, either.

It's a little difficult for me, when my kids ask about my mother, or my childhood. I try not to sugar-coat it, while not going into detail. Someday I might share the whole story, but for now, all they need to know is that my mother was negligent, and brought mean people into my life, who hurt me.

I, too, have longed for a loving, caring family that never was. I especially mourn the innocent little girl, who suffered so, at the hands of those who would prey on such innocence. I did not deserve such cruelty and neglect.

 

[Dylan]

Hello All -

Once again, a situation I thought peculiar to me is part of this thing.

I cut off contact with my family 13 years ago. I could not even begin to emerge from my world of numbness, hyperarousal and dissociation until I did so. God knows, I tried. I remember my brother and I talking once about how we were just waiting for our mother to die so we could live. I just couldn't wait anymore. My life was passing me by.

It wasn't about punishment or revenge and, if I could have healed and still stayed in contact, I would have. I simply could not do it. I very much relate to what Rivergirl posted: "...I still ache for "belonging" in a family, but I ached for it even when I was IN a family".

My brother contacted me a few years ago when my mother was about to undergo a surgery the doctors weren't sure she'd survive. I did call, in an attempt at final resolution. That didn't occur, but I finally realized that I have come too far now. That group of people I used to call family are like a country that I was born in, but have lived too long abroad. Their customs, their mores and norms are foreign to me. I can't go back.

Cutting off is not a panacea; the maladaptive characterisitcs that evolved in me didn't evaporate. For me, it made the world juuuuust safe enough to start peaking under that hood.

I just finished reading 'Lucky', by Alice Sebold, and in it she says, "You must save yourself or you remain unsaved". This says it all for me.

-Dylan

 

[void]

Ladybug08, excellent thread!!!!!!:clap::Hug_emoticon:

I cut my parents off for 4.5 years at one point and then resumed limited contact because of my own guilt(as if I should feel guilty--but I did):crazy:

I am contemplating another cut off but have mixed feelings :dontknow: and want to do it for the right reasons.

For me the 4.5 year cut of did not decrease my symptoms in any way and just added guilt.

I hope that all of you can find freedom and peace in any way you can!:smile:

 

[GR-ass]

I see my parents maybe once a month, if that. basically a touch base thing. I talk on the phone with my mum once a fortnight, if that, and email occasionally, mainly joke emails etc.

My mum and my relationship is hard to explian, or not so hard. I was never good enough, always being told that I wasn't good at this, or that, or should try harder, or should do this, or should do that. I would never be praised for anything, and I would always have to work off things- ie- I want a book, I do chores. Not that I minded, just the double standards when my sibs come into play. We lie in the same city.

My brothers, well, I see them as rarely as possible. If they are at my parents place, I'm not. I do not go out of my way to see them, I refuse to ring them, refuse to even acknowledge their existence. People know I have brothers, but to me its like cardboard cut outs, they are there, but I will waste no emotions on them any more.

My half sister is ten years older then me. She left home when I was six. I feel like at times she is always leaving me (she moved to Melbourne last year). I love her, and her kids dearly however this doesn't mean that I talk to her much anymore. A part of me (even though I know it isn't her fault) blames her for what our brothers did to me, it makes me feel like it happened because she left (stupid, but I don't know how to deal with the abandonment I felt then). When she came back a couple years later with a baby, she bought her ex with her, who put a knife through the window in front of me while high. Again, I associated this with her coming back.

Dad. . . well he's emotionally distant. Its like he's my dad but at the same time there is no closeness. Part of that is likely me- and how I react to the male members of my family. To put it bluntly, I distanced myself from anyone male I was related to because I was afraid that they would hurt me like my brothers did. Now, my dad has never touched me like that, but it was still a protective instinct. All I feel like I remember about him growing up was that he worked. A lot.

Now, all through my life I have felt that my happiness was expendable, just so long as family honor, the family bond is upheld to anyone on the outside. It is amazing how many people think that I have the perfect family while really its like a piece of fruit rotten from the inside out.

 

[GR-ass]

and wow I hadn't meant to write an essay O.o

 

[xxarmywifexx]

I had to cut off my adoptive parents for good.

It wasn't a unwarrented choice. I tell you what was the last straw for me...I was 3 months pregnant and leaving on bad terms was starting to get me thinking about my children and the family they wouldn't have. So feeling pretty bad about leaving them the way I did to get married and start my own life I called them. My "mother" said to me..."In order to have a relationship with us you need to get a divorce and get rid of that baby."

:naughty:I hung up and have yet to call them again. I refuse to have the sickness in my life. I've made choices as a grown women. It's sad that they can't and won't see that. Not to mention they are missing out on my 2 beautiful girls.

I don't think I'm wrong on this...they need help! :crazy:

 

[tude]

Ladybug, the number of responses to your question clearly shows how many people here also deal with the same issue. I am not any different. I too struggle to define, re-define, and successfully navigate the relationships I have with people in my life. It may sound like a pile of crap, but I haven't yet figured out how to be true to myself (honor myself) while being true and fair to others. Yes, the relationship with my family is no different and is certainly the most difficult.

Gr-ass, I once cut off communication with my older sister. Through a thirteen year old kid’s eyes, I held on to feelings of hurt, anger, and abandonment for seven years. When I was twenty, I was finally willing to talk to her about how her leaving affected me. I heard from her how it had affected her and also got her side of a very incomplete story. (You see, we didn’t talk about things in my family. My understanding always came from what I overheard during the fighting.) It has taken quite a bit of time for my sister and I to rebuild our relationship. I wouldn’t consider us close, but I can trust her with intimate details of my life. I do appreciate her and what little relationship we do have.

My parents on the other hand… good grief, I don’t even know where to begin. Before the incidents at work created an upheaval in my life, I could describe my relationship with them with firm acceptance. Now, I am not so sure of it and I don’t know what I am going to do about it.

In trying to get sober years ago, I found it necessary to set boundaries with them- make it known what is acceptable and unacceptable to me. Also, I had to stop playing my unhealthy role in the dysfunctional dynamics. I had to give up the idealistic beliefs about family- my expectations of them as parents and of myself as their daughter. Through a painful lesson, I learned that it was emotionally safer not to share important details of myself. This and more has all lead to a rather superficial, polite, and friendly relationship. For a long time this has worked just fine for me.

Now that it doesn’t, I really don’t know what to do. Ideally, I have this hope that life and my life will make sense again. Therefore, I can return to peacefully accepting the superficial relationship with my parents. If it does not turn out that way, I can’t say that cutting off my family will ever become an option. I have learned that there are things that I can do to protect and take care of myself. If I can keep it simple, I could treat my relationship with them as I do with other difficult people in my life. For example, like how I deal with some of my co-workers. Thinking about how many hours I work with difficult people compared to the hours I spend interacting with my parents, surely it seems possible!

Hoping to find some peace with myself so that I may have peace with others,

tude

 

[ladybug08]

Tude,

Thanks for those words...even now since I started this topic...one day I'm ready to do it, and the next I'm not. I guess I am trying to find that balance. I live over two hours away, so I am able to live my life without unanounced visits. My mom cannot stand traveling :smile:. She would rather stay at home. On the other hand, she always, and dad expect me, sister, and brother to drop what we are doing and visit during the holidays. That's when my flashbacks are worse. Last year I spent the holidays at home, and I was so much happier. They were the best holidays I ever had in a very long time. I'm planning on doing it again :thumbs-up.

 

[shiraz]

My family are 'normal' ... they are pillars of the community and role models for others. My parents counsel other families and preach in churches both local and international. We are a high profile family in Christian communities. Problem is, my dad sexually abused me, my mom knew and never confronted it and my siblings turned a blind eye. My brother can't remember aspects of his childhood, I think he was abused too. My sister had all sorts of emotional problems as a kid, I think she may have been abused too. I know the abuse happened to me, but can give little detail.

A few years ago, I confronted my parents with the memories I have - they exploded, denied it all, called it the work of the devil and threatened to disown me. I withdrew the allegations - I wish i had had the strength to disown them all then and there. I still have this insane need to protect their reputation. I can talk about being abused by 'someone', but can't come out and say - my dad abused me. If people knew, it would destroy all the good work they have done over their lives - I know it sounds sick, but I just can't bring myself to betray them.

It would be good for me to disown them - i freeze up ever time my father comes near and i want to punch him in the face - my mom, well, she was a victim too, but I hate her for protecting him and not protecting me (sounds familiar - I'm protecting both of them and not myself) .... gees!

 

[ladybug08]

shiraz,

Oh my, that has to be awful...my dad, three of his brothers, and cousins are preachers, and that makes it really tough on me. They are known in the small community that I grew up in, and they are highly respected. I just get sick just thinking about the abuse etc., and I and possibly my brother with PTSD which is not curable. :mad: The good thing is I live in a large city, and I am just another face in the crowd. I was treated differently becuase I was PK (preachers kid).