Cutting the emotional ties to narcissists

[Yasmine]

When seeing the narcissist for what they are and going no contact isn't enough to severe what remains...

No idea how to totally do it but for me a step in the right direction was meditation a guided one I love is in you tube ( but its long so maybe not if you haven't started meditation or can't sit still and think yet " unlock your life , freedom from negative and toxic people " . sorry I've nothing else to suggest

 

[Scarlet13]

@shimmerz I am willing to try that. I don't do well with the whole angel thing, but...

Ok, so I am chiming in here at this point. So, I completely understand the need for this question. I recently did a post about not being able to tolerate DBT. The whole reason why I tried that group is because a couple of months ago I crashed down into myself. I am in trauma therapy. I have cptsd, but all of the abuse seems to point to my narcissistic mother. She emotionally at times physically abused me but she had blind spots for me. She brought other abuse into my life and blamed me for it. She blamed me for csa by a neighbor. I was inherently weird and bad and invited molestation. In reality she f*cked up by not seeing the VERY obvious signs. She brought abusive men into my life who beat me, bullied me, demeaned me, and tried to kill me often. Again I got blamed for "getting into his face." WTF? She thought she was the perfect mother with a clean house and perfectly healthy children. Sure her husband was a raging psychopath, but she was fixing that! You can sweep everything under the rug, right? I was enmeshed with her, but I did not exist. She would punish me for expressing emotion like sadness as that was 'selfish' and 'ungrateful'. I struggle with a near constant feeling of guilt. My recent crash was triggered by a shift inside myself. I had been living with the narcissistic tendency of being "falsely healthy" and being "perfect" when under neith was shame and poor self worth. I ended up disabling the false health and I inhabited the poor self worth and shame. So, yeah this was not good. My t pointed out that neither are my true self. I completed a painting intensive and this has helped me stabalize because it is a bit of self worth and a true identity. In all of this process there is a shifting of self blame. I cannot blame myself. I can blame my mother. I can blame my mother's blind spots and constant denial and her pd. I have to look at my mother and say to myself, "You abused me." This at once kills me and frees me. I get what you are asking. It is not enough to go nc, you want freedom from the emotional toll from the ties. Narcissism is insidious because of the enmeshment and the loss of self. I can get paralyzed with fear that I wont survive without my mom. I then get paralyzed with guilt (and she will guilt me.) I am very low contact with her.

The things that have helped me at this point is to observe the struggle for emotional freedom and having compassion for it. I have memories of when my mom did see me, did take care of me and these grip at my heart threatening to invalidate all of her bs. So, I have to still lable her abuse and see it so that I can break the cycle of denial with my own kids, so that I can have a self that exists and is heard.
The other thing that I do is I sort of think like a rebellious teen at times. I was so obedient to my mom's tastes and wishes that I was never a normal teen. So now I do things that I like and she probably would not like. I am thinking about getting a tattoo at 38 yrs old. Like a vine to symbolize resiliency to symbolize my recovery. My other thought after reading your posts is to tell you that you might not fully heal that wound caused by narcissism you may heal it but it may be a scar. You may have to practice acceptance of the emotional tie. But emphasizing your identity and labeling the harm done can go along way in cutting emotional ties. I disagree with comments that stress that she took care of you or gave you a roof. Whatever. She wasn't a total monster. You can put yourself in her shoes only to get where the narcissism is coming from for your healing not for her.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@Fadeaway and anyone else who was raised by horrible people: :hug:

I am so sorry that you didn't receive love and care as children and adults. I have two close friends that deal with this. One just wants her mom to love her. She has tried a lifetime and realized at 35 that her mother is incapable of love. (Yet that voice in her head that keeps seeking love won't go away). My other friend has a strong protective shell around her/didn't attach to her mom, yet the biggest heart you can imagine.

I hope that everyone here knows that you are all worthy of being loved and cared for. It wasn't your fault, and any person that makes a child feel like a burden should be locked up. They don't deserve any time or effort that your heart tries to suck you into.

 

[Cannottakethis]

@Fadeaway, I went full no contact with my sister in November 2015 and with my parents I. 2016 at age 47 after a lifetime of invalidation, triangulation (by my narcissistic mother) and just utter ignorance when dealing with my ptsd and other mental illnesses, to the point that it seemed as if they went out of their way to trigger me. My mom had no boundaries and tried to be my bff and my mother. Her main weapons were guilt and GUILT. She'd put my sister and me against each other. She'd demand things from us that were so unrealistic....ugh...
This has not been easy as I still feel tugs of "obligation" because they're my parents/family and being adopted growing up hearing how special and chosen I was....the guilt runs deep. And the relief is real. And still I don't call or write because they hurt me, over and over and over, even when I would beg them. When the trauma therapist suggested I go no contact after I'd tried it before and caved after 4 months, I told myself I had to do it. My mother doesn't care about anything but her own needs and my dad will do anything to keep her happy and quiet. They chose to stick their heads in the sand when they found out all the things that happened to me; never once saying they were sorry or felt badly that their best friends husband molested me....the list goes on...
My point in all of this is that we are not obligated to love, care about or be involved with anyone, related or not. It doesn't matter what they did for us, what matters is what they did to us or what they didn't do. Neglect, silent treatment, passive aggressive behavior are all forms of abuse as well as overt verbal and physical abuse. Taking a stand to say we aren't going to take your crap anymore is an amazing, strong and I personally think healthy thing to do.
We deserve to be happy and to have healthy relationships.

 

[Deleted member 37868]

When seeing the narcissist for what they are and going no contact isn't enough to severe what remains...

Haha! I made a post, about someone I’m noticing may be a narcissist, would love to have your opinion on it! Anyways back to you, very interesting question. Yes you have to cut ties, like no contact AT ALL! The thing is they might care at first and try to manipulate you back in their lives, don’t respond, not with a single word. Eventually they’ll stop, and they will absolutely stop. The not caring. That is your own work. After the narcissist is pissed you’re no longer giving them attention they’ll not care, don’t expect them to miss you, they won’t , you only exist to satisfy their needs. Then rebuild yourself, if you still care ask yourself why and what. Did they tell you bad things about yourself, that affected your self esteem? Build yourself back up in whatever area they tore you down or hurt or hindered you, you have the ability and power to do so. Get yourself healed to the point where you have the power over your self image and your life by whatever means necessary. Legally lol. Then you won’t care anymore! I really think this works. I hope I have an idea or two you can maybe use. Peace out

 

[mumstheword]

The pain fades, it really does. It's sooooo liberating to make the break, in my experience.

Sure there will be some grieving.

Allow yourself the time and space to grieve the mothering you never, and will never get from her. You're allowed to feel it and it's totally normal and natural to feel it.

I'm finding a few months into no contact with my mum has allowed me to feel safe as I never have before. I feel strong for putting in such self-nurturing boundaries and my mum has Parkinson disease.

I don't feel guilt because 44 years of pain because of her narcissism is ENOUGH already.

I have been grieving of course, I don't think there any way around that, but the pay-offs are worth it.

She has other people in her life who haven't had as much abuse and negation from her, who aren't burnt out like me.

I am freeeeee! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

[Heather Nelson]

When seeing the narcissist for what they are and going no contact isn't enough to severe what remains...

If you're comfortable with it you could try a process called cord cutting. It was really helpful for me. Bach Flower Remedy Walnut as well. Everyone is different though so try different things to see what works for you.

 

[VanVonNocturne]

I'm kind of in the same boat, so to speak of course.

My biological mother has a lot of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and she's also codependent. I'm 28 years old, I've been on my own for over 2 and 1/2 years now, and have made sooo many improvements in myself! For example; I had almost no self confidence in my ability to manage my own finances, live on my own, and hold down a job. Yet I have accomplished all 3 of these things since leaving her house! She wanted to keep me in a childlike mindset so she could have someone to depend on her, yet on the other hand she didn't care about my needs as a child. (Go figure, right?) That's just a sliver slice of the sh!t cake.
When I moved out I swore that I was cutting her out for good! But a part of me that I didn't want to acknowledge (the little kid in me) still wanted his mommy, even though she was never there for him. The "adult me" (my rational mind) understands that she isn't healthy, she's of no use to me, she hasn't nor won't own up to her mistakes without a "I'm sorry, but..." kind of excuse. Clearly I can't have a relationship with her, so I must cut her off. I thought I had, but due to me being on NYS services, she was my rep. payee, and since I didn't trust her with my address I had to go to her house to pick up my SSI/SSD/SNAP related mail every so often. So it was more like semi-no contact (if there's such a thing...).

For me I'm afraid to cut ties with her because I'm afraid of feeling alone, even though I have my friends and my pets. But hej-if I could live without her for the past 2/3 years then I can live my life without her. Why have toxic people who'll just pull me down?

My therapist and I discussed this last week. For me, she recommened that I allow myself to truly, and fully, except the reality of my situation with my biological mother, and then allow myself to mourn without judging my feelings or reasons why.

Hope this helps.