Cutting

[Blondie]

I am so ashamed. I haven't engaged in this behavior in over 10 years. But my husband died recently after a long battle with brain cancer. My husband was my night in shining armor........when I met him 12 years ago he told me he would always protect me and never let anyone hurt me again. I felt so safe.....it was a beautiful time. I was brutally assaulted by an intruder at 13 in our family home. Well........now I feel scared most days and completely abandoned. It is beyond terrifying for me to be home alone......to this day, It becomes so intense and the only relief I get is from cutting myself. I compare it to being on a road trip....you are 60 miles from the nearest bathroom and you REALLY have to go. You know that relief you feel when you finally reach the bathroom. It is like that. I also lost my Dad last month as well..........so my cutting has become an almost daily event. I hate it so much, but seem to have no control over my behavior. I feel really alone with this.

 

[kers]

I understand. I did this for a long time, too. Even though it's been years since I self-harmed, I do think about it when my emotions get difficult.

I'm sorry you lost your husband and then your father. Those are majores loss on top of dealing with the trauma. No wonder you are emotionally overwhelmed. Self-harm is a way to cope with feelings that we are afraid will otherwise be unbearable. Of course you feel alone right now and are looking for ways to feel safer and in more control.

What kind of support system do you have (friends, family)? Do you have anyplace that serves as a refuge right now, like church or therapy? You are trying your very best to manage a terrible situation. There is hope, though, and you can feel safer and in more control. You are definitely NOT alone. I hear you.

 

[Heather]

I too used to cut myself and understand that when the emotions get intense the urge to cut yourself resurfaces with a vengance. you have suffered two tremendous losses and it's only natural that you'd want to replace the emotional pain with something else i.e physical pain such as cutting. You need support more than ever right now from friends or family and getting couseling if you're not already to address the cutting would be a good idea. And like the above person mentioned you are definitely NOT alone!

 

[jesse]

((((Blondie)))) I understand how too much emotional pain can lead to cutting. I used to do it a few years ago quite a bit. It's hard to talk to people about because a lot of people have never experienced that level of mental anguish so they can be judgemental. I am really sorry you have lost two integral people in your life. Counseling does help I hope that is an option for you. You are not alone we understand how that feels and are here to support you.

 

[Blondie]

Thank you all so much. It is so hard because no one in my family knows about this. I go to great lengths to cover it up. I am ashamed and know that it must seem incredibly wierd to anyone who simply doesn't understand the intensity of emotions that cause me to do this. I am seeing a therapist and have told him about it. I appreciate your input, it makes me feel that I am not all alone with this.

 

[shadowchaser]

I don't cut but I rub and scratch. The backs of my arms one one big scar from it. You can't see it to well but it can gross people out when they touch it. I wear alot of long sleeves. To help when I start rubbing or scratching I will massage my joints. Your body will release the same endorphins you get from injury from massaging and popping your joints.

This doesn't always work for me but it has cut down the amount of it.

 

[brokenchild]

I had gone around 10 years without cutting and started up again a month or so ago. I am trying to fight the urges when I feel I am strong enough. You are definitely not alone.