DID D.I.D. and full conciousness

[ppippi]

These two don't match.


Right?

So I am going to suggest that no therapist would have you feel silly over this. This is serious.

I used to have this same experience, except I wouldn't suck on pacifiers, I would dive into ditches in the middle of winter to 'hide'. It was a dangerous, dangerous game. The regression for me was lightening fast with the same state of mind that I think you are describing. I would have an 'observer' who would 'see' what I was doing but could do f*ck all about it.

With that type of internal stuff going on, I strongly suggest you find a trauma therapist right away before it gets debilitating, if it isn't already.

i feel like i have control because if someone walked in while i was using a pacifier for example, i would stop and try to act normal (even if i wasn't feeling quite like myself internally). I feel like if a therapist realizes i can stop my strange behavior if i really wanted to then they'd think it's not very serious.

 

[Ronin]

i can stop my strange behavior if i really wanted to then they'd think it's not very serious.

Two different things, though?

Just because something may be stoppable, does not mean it is healthy, or just an act.
If it causes you enough issues in functioning, it is worth getting addressed.
What (and how much) can you do to stop it, under which circumstances, or how much energy you have to spend on doing so are different questions.

 

[Reflections]

Controlling who is out is different than controlling behavior for me. I can't control if an angry part is out nor how he thinks/feels, but I can stop him from breaking things, stay in my room, shut down, fake pleasantries, or now I ask him to not do things (he's actually cooperative). I can't control who is out, but I and they do their best not to raise eyebrows (I conceal panic attacks even). At worse another part would take over if one alter couldn't manage to appear normal.

Thinking about it... I am highly controlling of my behavior. That's kind of the point and function of my system imo.

Generally speaking the system worked and the system functioned as I wanted it to function. Lately though I've been deeply hurting AND I was trying to refuse part of myself to "get rid of dissociation" so the system got out of whack. DID or not, how I function isn't healthy nor conducive to what I want so I am getting help.

I was actually taken aback by your comment about my experice being scary. There have been times I've been scared (usually fear of the unknow or difficult), but generally I don't feel or think of it being a scary experience. I find my experince curious mostly or confusing and fustrating. It's a bit tiring at times.

Dissociation and dissociative disorders are on a continum. The severity varies. People who have fewer dissociative symptoms might not be DID but they aren't in less need of care. I would never go to the dissociation section of the board and tell people who only have PTSD and only dissociate a few mins and only feel small that their issues are insignificant because they don't compare to mine. We all deserve care and help!

Your problems are not silly or somehow less deserving or less in need of help. Your behavior shows something is up and in need of care and attention.

I minimalize my issues. It's the biggest reason I never got therapy is because I could handle it and it wasn't that bad. Therapy was for "people with real issues" I thought. It took things getting really bad before I sought help. Therapy is for everyone. It's not for people at a breaking point or who can't handle it. It's for anyone.

 

[Powder]

I have had to observe, but also things I didn't know were ever in my house were moved and other things knocked down where they were moved to. Only I could have moved them. But literally was shocked to discover this. I didn't know how stuff got knocked off shelves. It appeared as if I had been looking for something.

The moved photos had to be found and pointed out by my husband. He had them hidden away in his dresser. I have had no awareness of them.

I stumbled upon the insider in her dreaming that I was observing and this coincided with the moved stuff. Around the same time as this, I no longer felt comfortable going into the room where the disturbance took place. It used to be my favorite room. Go figure.

So I have total amnesia for some things. Other times, I can't be aware that the switch has occurred until it's too late. If I talk about one protector, I'm pulled to the back and I fight to remain in control while I faint. My legs give way, and I nearly black out.

 

[hithere]

I've had this question for a while now: can you be fully conscious and have DID?

When triggered, I slip into a state that has a different sense in age and behavior. I do strange things like suck on a pacifier and feel little and helpless. I'm fully aware of this state but don't do anything to stop it because it takes over me. I feel like my wise self is in the backseat of a car observing, while the younger state is in the drivers seat. I never lose time. Could this be DID? If not, has anyone experienced anything like this before? The feeling of another layer taking over while you're in the backseat observing? I know i should talk to a T but Im embaressed.

when triggered severely--especially in therapy-- yes. I hate it. My T shamed me for it, and I'm still angry about that. All the emotions and thoughts from the event are stored in your body and they are coming OUT. it's a good thing but so freaking embarrassing

 

[Swift]

Hey @pipps and welcome.

Also - @hithere, WTF about your therapist? What an awful, awful thing to happen.

Anyway. Moving on.. Pipps, I've been recently diagnosed with DID and as is a bit of a habit for me, have gone and learnt all about it.

The first thing about dissociative disorders is - there's more than one, and there's a spectrum. They're all caused by trauma.

The DSM-5 has diagnostic criteria. I'm not going to get into whether you have DID or not, because a) I'm not a professional and b) it wouldn't be my place even if I were.

There's OSDD (Other Specified Dissociative Disorder), Derealization/Depersonalisation Disorder, and then DID.

There's two major symptoms of DID covered:
1. "The existence of two or more separate personality states".....
Ie, you and the person who sucks on a pacifier.
A personality state is an enduring set of different feelings, thoughts and actions to usual you. I think what you're describing fits, but once again, a medical professional who knows you is the only person who can say for sure.

And 2. Amnesia for previous events etc too severe to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

It's not a requirement of DID that you're fully amnesiac when you "switch", although I am sometimes. Do you have a full and complete memory of your early life? Are there missing months or years in your memory? Are there "gaps" that aren't really explained?

Because that's all you actually need to have.

On the forum there's a lot of talk about dissociative parts and PTSD. I think most people have dissociative parts and certainly most people with trauma do.

I wonder why you're questioning whether you have a DID diagnosis? Have you been diagnosed or do you suspect it's what's causing your symptoms? There's no right or wrong answer. I'm just curious.

Also - as @Ronin said - even in DID there are parts or alters that the person is more aware of, and parts that they could be unaware of.

I've heard it called "co-conscious" - sharing the memory of what you're doing, where you are etc, essentially remembering what you do or say, even if you aren't the one driving. To me, I call it "co-piloting." Ie - someone else is in the Driver's seat, but I'm still in the cabin enough to see what they're doing even if I'm not driving.

Then, with me, there are parts that aren't co-conscious. Ie, I can wake up in the morning with no idea why my shit is broken, or why I'm wearing shoes, or why there's dirt from the garden in my house. I've shaved my eyebrows, stolen my mother's pegs, pruned the hedges, left footprints doing weird things in the yard, etc etc,with absolutely no clue why, or that I had even done it. (I am completely not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I'm stone cold sober and often not awake, but it's not sleepwalking.) I broke my hand earlier this year in one of these 'episodes.' Damn I was annoyed.

So, I have parts that are co-conscious, and parts that aren't.

My metaphor for DID is a ship - that's how I envision my 'system', or whatever. I literally just call it my ship, and instead of parts/alters I just use "crew." because it fits for me. Honestly I've had some awesome success with the space I've created inside my head, and how well that makes me function. I can recommend some books if that's your gig.

Glad to have you here. I'm sorry for what brought you here, and if I can be of any help I'd be more than glad to do so.

 

[Keen]

It could be DID, but we aren't professionals and can't diagnose you. Talk to your T, he/she isn't going to make you feel ashamed. And they can diagnose and help you. But yes, I have DID and I have this experience sometimes.

 

[SaharaSon]

I've had this question for a while now: can you be fully conscious and have DID?

When triggered, I slip into a state that has a different sense in age and behavior. I do strange things like suck on a pacifier and feel little and helpless. I'm fully aware of this state but don't do anything to stop it because it takes over me. I feel like my wise self is in the backseat of a car observing, while the younger state is in the drivers seat. I never lose time. Could this be DID? If not, has anyone experienced anything like this before? The feeling of another layer taking over while you're in the backseat observing? I know i should talk to a T but Im embaressed.

Pipps, often when I am watching a war or spy movie in certain scenes I am shocked back (flashback) to some event in my history that instantly puts me into some quasi catatonic state where I freeze up and I am utterly consumed by the event on screen. I can sometimes stay in that state for a while. It usually is not fun, and I am in great duress. People around me have noticed this DID type behavior but they don't seem to get how intense it is. The best thing for people around me to do, when I am like this, is to speak gently to me and bring me back slowly with loving kindness. Because I am trained in the martial arts, I worry sometimes that if someone gets aggressive with me during this period, that I may unintentionally hurt them because I may not be able to disassociate their aggression from the screen event / flashback for a while. Some of the movies where I have experienced this are The Deer Hunter, Platoon, Dunkirk, The Bourne series of movies, Syiriana, Black Hawk Down, and Munich. In one sense, I am separating from present reality, but in another, I am being brought back to a previous reality of mine.

 

[Swift]

@SaharaSon , sorry for what you go through with flashbacks.
I do the same, and a lot of people do.
Dissociation and dissociative experiences are common in PTSD, particularly during flashbacks. They don't necessarily indicate DID or DID-type behaviour.

I don't mean to be rude or otherwise, but there's a categorical difference between dissociation during a flashback, and even dissociation outside a flashback context, and then OSDD and then DID.

I think of it a bit like a spectrum.
At one end you have normal "zoning out", and things like highway hypnosis, then you have going on autopilot, going on autopilot under stress, going on autopilot under stress automatically, PTSD, OSDD and then DID.

It all sucks. But yeah, I guess the difference to me is dissociating whilst having a flashback and dissociating whilst washing the dishes and then finding some idiot has put your plates back all wrong and broken one or two.

 

[SaharaSon]

@SaharaSon , sorry for what you go through with flashbacks.
I do the same, and a lot of people do.
Dissociation and dissociative experiences are common in PTSD, particularly during flashbacks. They don't necessarily indicate DID or DID-type behaviour.

I don't mean to be rude or otherwise, but there's a categorical difference between dissociation during a flashback, and even dissociation outside a flashback context, and then OSDD and then DID.

I think of it a bit like a spectrum.
At one end you have normal "zoning out", and things like highway hypnosis, then you have going on autopilot, going on autopilot under stress, going on autopilot under stress automatically, PTSD, OSDD and then DID.

It all sucks. But yeah, I guess the difference to me is dissociating whilst having a flashback and dissociating whilst washing the dishes and then finding some idiot has put your plates back all wrong and broken one or two.

Swift, I think I get your point. I generally don't have a disassociating experience without cause. There is always a trigger of some sort. For me it is more like paralysis, while experiencing extreme stress. It's an altered state of consciousness. I can't remove myself from this altered state even if I wanted to. Time, something or someone pulls me out.

 

[Reflections]

@Swift I concur, a dissociated state isn't exactly the same as a dissociated identity state. Everyone can experience a dissociated state to deal with trauma, people with PTSD can experience dissociated states in response to a trigger, but not everyone with PTSD have separate identities who deal with trauma and daily life. It's all tough stuff. I think the difference matters in the sense of validating the DID/OSDD experience and understanding the nature of all of our experiences.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t want you to be ashamed of your pacifier using behavior. It sounds like you may have a young “part” that just wants to be soothed. I don’t have DID, but I do have a young part, and she’s allowed to have whatever stuffies she wants because they soothe her. Fortunately she’s very particular about texture so new stuffies only come along once every few years or so. (And many people here on the forum have stuffies for comfort, too.)