Supporter Dating A Retired Army Ranger With Ptsd - Need Advice, Please Help!

[ProudWife99]

One of the hardest things I've had to learn being married to my husband who suffers from CPTSD is that sometimes, what I want/need he is incapable of producing at that exact moment. It does not mean he is incapable at all, but he cannot right then. I've made more sacrifices for his comfort (as he as done for me) than I can count over the last couple of years. I only say this because sometimes PTSD relationships do not have a true concept of "fair". We can only work with what we have sometimes and what we get is very, very little. I wish you the best in making a very difficult decision. Take care of yourself!

 

[Eleanor]

Zumba, Welcome to the forum! Now the harsh part:

The ONLY difference between a relationship with an amazing guy with PTSD and a garden variety emotionally abusive relationship is that the guy with PTSD fully acknowledges that he has has a problem and has a 100% commitment to taking responsibility for it in part by doing absolutely everything he can to get it under control. Repeat: This is the ONLY difference. Abusive relationships are seductive and addictive. Perverse, but true. You have taken (emotional) damage from this already. You will take more. It is a hard hard road, for both of you. If he is encouraging you to move away from your support system with him without his PTSD under serious control... I can only think he has no idea what you two will be up against. I am very tough. I married someone with c-PTSD which was under control when we met and married and got horrible when our daughter got to be about 4 1/2 (his abuse started at 5.) My husband is the love of my life, and I would not have signed up for this had I known. Not for me. Not for my daughter.

Your guy is not unique in his PTSD. Your story sounds like... the others here. Read around. Find out how the stories go. Rangers, as a group, are super-heros. They are totally love-able amazing people. They are - by nature and by training - 100% in or 100% out. Your guy is not committed to treatment. Treat this like alcoholism. If he commits to treatment - see how it goes for a year, then decide. If he doesn't...

You might ask the guys who know on the combat PTSD site; "I am interested in being in a relationship that might lead to marriage. Should I continue dating a guy who has uncontrolled PTSD and who is not totally committed to treating it?" (I think this is the gist of your question.) See what they say.

Zumba, you clearly have a great heart, and superior taste in men. Read all the stickies in the Supporter's section and all the threads you can handle. You will need to talk to him about them too. If he's not willing to face this square on, well, despite everything, he is not enough man for you. Be a reason for him to get healthy, not a reassurance that he doesn't have to.

My advice: PTSD ought to be a deal breaker unless there is a 100% commitment to treating it with all possible tools.

Prayers for you and for him. Sending peace and healing to you both.

 

[ZumbaGirl_21]

Wow, such good responses, and I mean good as in a sense of giving me a lot to think about. Proudwife - you are right about the sacrifices. I've already done a lot to keep him comfortable, even if this means sacrificing my own comfort. It's hard to put it in a concept of fair. There are some days that I just go with what he says, even if I had something else in mind, to make him happy because I know he has been depressed that day. I don't even balance what's "fair." Instead I just try to make sure I'm keeping him as happy as possible though until he goes home to get his meds.

Eleanor - You have given me a lot of food for thought. I think I'm going to have to sit down with my boyfriend and have a serious talk with him about treatments for his PTSD, more than just meds. You are absolutely right that it would be scary to move to a place completely unfamiliar to me, have a heated argument with him and not have somewhere to go for a break or anyone to talk to about it. Plus you brought up some great points about the future. My heart goes out to you and your daughter! That sounds awful having to deal with the PTSD from your husband and protect your daughter at the same time. My boyfriend and I both want kids someday, but do I really want to subject them to that?

I also never thought of myself as being verbally or emotionally abused by him until I read the comments I received and did some research. It's scary, but everyone is correct, I guess in some small ways I am. The thing is, if I'm noticing small ways I'm emotionally abused now, how is it going to be long term? So Eleanor, I think you are absolutely correct. Unless everything that can be done to help his PTSD is being done, then I shouldn't make any permanent moves with him, whether that be moving to his home town or a serious commitment like engagement or marriage. Even though they are harsh realities, you brought up some great points that I have to greatly consider. Him and I are going to have to have a serious plan that I see him put into action before we go further into our relationship. Thank you for your post!

 

[Eleanor]

I am SOOOOO glad you are going to have that talk. No, you don't want to subject future children (or you) to that. And neither does he. "Fair" takes on a different depth and dimension when you are dealing with chronic illness of any kind. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that he thinks it through and gets into treatment. If he decides to go for treatment - he's got a super chance of beating the thing and getting huge amounts better. Strangely, this is the one area where guys who would wrestle tigers with their bare hands for you will wimp out.:( You will probably do better if you bring the information Anthony has posted on PTSD and treatments to the conversation - in print and in your head. It is also worth knowing (and NOT mentioning to him) that a lot of special forces guys have "leftover" issues from growing up too, and he may be secretly afraid of that coming up too, but here is the thing, once he gets started healing part of it, he'll do the whole thing, so best to focus on the combat stuff now but be prepared for the other when it comes up. He's been through nightmare stuff - and that needs addressing whatever else happens. Scuttlebut in the Army is that its shameful to have PTSD, that it ruins your career, and that treatment doesn't work. And the truth is that what they used to do for it didn't help much, but the newer treatments (EMDR, Prolonged Exposure) WORK. Print out the research if you think he'd look at it. Make the case so he knows you are not just blowing smoke. If he'd talk to a guy (vietnam era vet who suffered for 30 years before he got PET and got better) message me and I'll give you my friend's number who got my H into treatment. If he's open to it you might point him to the mycombatptsd sister site to this - a lot of the vets feel much more comfortable there - and he can get the straight stuff from the guys who know firsthand.

Many many prayers for you and your guy.

 

[myvetswife]

..... He has stressed that he hates my hometown and doesn’t want to be here forever. Because he lives in a beautiful part of the country, I am considering moving with him down the road (probably a year from now) if not permanently than at least for a while and taking things from there.

I’m considering this because I feel guilty taking him away from everything he knows with the suffering he has going on. I also know there are better opportunities in his state than in mine.

I personally would not move in the moment. Do you live in a big town? I moved houses with my hubby right into the sticks (we are 3 houses and 1 farm). I have noticed a lot of exmilitary personal prefer quieter surroundings. I now know that this is PTSD related. It cuts out a lot of triggers.

I don't know how often I talked to my hubby, about him having problems, which need sorting. He started everything but didn't realy see the point, or was "healed" after 2 days. It got so bad, that I split up with him after 17 years of being married. _then he saw that he had problems, after a big breakdown.

But don't expect that he will change in a short matter of time. It can happen aswell that he will shut down if he get's under pressure.

 

[All The Blessings]

Hey, so I recently joined this forum and have been looking for help, but in this case I feel I should give some insight.

My husband with cptsd and I have been married for a year now but only knew each other for seven months before we were married. I, like you, feel my husband is the best guy in the world, as you say, 'when he isn't dealing with the CPTSD.' I fell in love with him immediately and was ready to marry him even though he told me about PTSD.

I just didn't understand all the implications and after a year of figuring things out, I would mainly like to point out that there are never times for your boyfriend that are 'without CPTSD.' Even on good days, they still are dealing with everything and having to face it all through the eyes of their suffering.

If you are really willing to take this on, it is something that is bigger than the fights and the issues with moving, and not being able to argue healthily. It's about a moment-to-moment understanding that what he deals with won't be better just because he has a good day and that it IS going to take a bigger effort to reverse than anyone should have to put into something they didn't ask for.

If I could just say two things that I feel VERY important if you pursue this relationship, is that he has started diving into the really sucky counselings that he really doesn't want to do and begins the long road into healing before you try to make the commitment of something as big as engagement or marriage.

And secondly, keep your support group as close as you can. When you need to be the supporter for someone, it is imperative that you have someone else to lean on when you feel worn down. If you are feeling emotionally stretched and drained, you are in no shape to try and help your boyfriend. Sometimes if may feel like you have to do all the 'understanding' and 'listening' in the relationship with your boyfriend because sometimes, you do. When this is true, where are you going to go to be 'listened to' and 'understood?' You need your friends and family:]

One thing I did read on here that I think beats true was the statement "Be a reason for him to get healthy, not a reassurance that he doesn't have to."

So, I am not sure if I said anything that hasn't already been said or if this was any help, but we are all learning and trying to make the best of a really unfair situation for everyone.