Daughter won’t go to therapy

[Invisible Fire]

I don’t know what I’m wanting to say or do. I feel very lost in helping my daughter. First thing everyone says including myself is get her to a therapist. The appointment was made and she didn’t want to go. I did not force her and let her make her own choice which was to not go. The anxiety and fear of what she may or may not do is overwhelming. It is so hard to give her space and watch her not do the things that I believe would help her. I know it’s not my life I just am so afraid for her. Any suggestions to assist her to get help? And I do understand. It took my decades to face my past.

 

[Friday]

How old is your daughter?

 

[Invisible Fire]

19

 

[Movingforward10]

That is so hard.
Has she said why she doesn't want to go? Maybe there is a reason that you can both explore together. Not to try and persuade her , but to explore it with her. She may have a worry about it that you might be able to help her see differently?

Do you think there is room to negotiate? To say, why not try one session and then see?

Or, if it is all not possible. If she changes her mind again in the future (whether that is the next day, two weeks down the line, or several months), is it possible for her to get that therapist then?

Maybe it is all too soon for her to process?

 

[Invisible Fire]

Has she said why she doesn't want to go?

She said that she is feeling pressured and she never agreed to going. Which we had talked about before and I was under the impression she wanted to go and wasn’t sure how to get things set up. So I called and set things up. Told her the day and time and age of the therapist. Then last night she said she didn’t want to go. I really wasn’t surprised because every time the appointment was mentioned she would get very quiet.

y, two weeks down the line, or several months), is it possible for her to get that therapist then?

They said she can call and reschedule anytime and she agreed to call and reschedule or to let me know so I can. I think I am maybe being to overbearing. She is a young adult but it is so hard to not be her mother.

Maybe it is all too soon for her to process?

This is what I was thinking. She isn’t ready to work on what happened. I do understand this. I think it is my fears of her hurting herself. Therapy isn’t easy and I tried to tell her she doesn’t have to talk about what happened. That she can talk about what ever she wants and maybe work in things to help with anxiety and sleeping. She does very well at hiding how she is feeling.

 

[Movingforward10]

They said she can call and reschedule anytime and she agreed to call and reschedule or to let me know so I can. I think I am maybe being to overbearing. She is a young adult but it is so hard to not be her mother.

Maybe take comfort in this ^ then? That when she feels ready, the support for her will be there.

I don't think you are being an overbearing mum. You are being a Mum. This is your child who you want no harm to come to. And you want to help her. It must be so difficult to step aside and let her make decisions that you find hard and not what you want for her.

But maybe it is ok her not going to a therapist right now? Maybe there is no more harm that will happen to her because she has made that decision?
Maybe going to therapy at the wrong time doesn't make things better?

So maybe there is a way of reframing it in your mind so that you can feel more comfortable with her decision?

 

[grit]

I hope not to project my own issues onto yours but to me as someone who had issues with her mother and by no means I am NOT suggesting such a thing is that, you may need to hold your own fear, anxiety and thoughts about her in your therapy and let her determine what is good for her. I really feel your worries and fear as any good mother would for her child but there is a point a person must be left alone and find her way in this world. The best in my view you could do for her is to say "you are safe" and "I love you" and "I am here for you anytime you need me" and let her find her way. That may or may not signal autonomy and support or not but it is your best chance to not alienate her and find outlet for your fears for her.

 

[Invisible Fire]

I really feel your worries and fear as any good mother would for her child but there is a point a person must be left alone and find her way in this world.

I have very mixed feeling about this. I agree that especially with trauma you have to find your own way. Also my trauma is very different but I for sure would not have been able to work through it at that age, BUT at the same time, I wish someone would have helped me. My gut is telling me to give her space and time, my heart is wanting to fix things. It is a very complicated situation. I just fear if I don’t push her to get help that she will continue to struggle or hurt herself.

 

[ladee]

Follow your gut then and not your heart. Take your 'heart' issues to your own therapist. My gut has never steered me down a wrong path.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I don’t know what I’m wanting to say or do. I feel very lost in helping my daughter. First thing everyone says including myself is get her to a therapist. The appointment was made and she didn’t want to go. I did not force her and let her make her own choice which was to not go. The anxiety and fear of what she may or may not do is overwhelming. It is so hard to give her space and watch her not do the things that I believe would help her. I know it’s not my life I just am so afraid for her. Any suggestions to assist her to get help? And I do understand. It took my decades to face my past.

That makes my heart break. I remember when I was a teenager I asked for a therapist - and I soon asked NOT to have a therapist. Etc. This happened a couple of times. It didn't work till I set it up myself - I'm not sure if that was the difference, after high school, I was independent enough that I could "take myself" to the doctor... But before that, even when I was asking my parents to find me help, I would see someone for a session or two - I just wasn't ready. Just sort of be waaay in the background when your girl comes up for air. Can you do that? From what you write, I have a feeling she might be looking for your presence, even if she never says so. I'm so sorry it's this way. It's hard.

 

[barefoot]

I was under the impression she wanted to go and wasn’t sure how to get things set up. So I called and set things up. Told her the day and time and age of the therapist.

Who chose the therapist? I'm assuming you did if you told her the age of the therapist? Just wondering if she may be more open to going if she was involved in choosing who she wanted to see. Or is there not a choice due to where you live/insurance or something? If you're not tied in to having to see this person you set the appointment up with, it seems to me that it may be more empowering for her to research therapists in your area, look at some of their websites, see who she is drawn to (or not!) even if you then do help with the practical setting things up if she wants your help with that.

 

[Invisible Fire]

Who chose the therapist? I'm assuming you did if you told her the age of the therapist?

I choose the therapist. I told her the options and she agreed the one I choose was the best.

I appreciate all of the responses. I think I was needing some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. Which I’m not sure there is a “right” thing. I am going to follow my gut and trust her. I believe she knows what is best for herself. If I start seeing self harming behaviors I will cross that bridge when and if we get there. I want to keep communication open and forcing anything I believe would shut that down. Also, I realize I need to work on myself and the things this is triggering for me.