Dealing with my disassociate state

[Jnean]

the hardest part for me right now is to not hurt my body someway somehow thinking that would be easier.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is there some sort of activity that would help you distract your thoughts?

 

[Heather]

I have no advice to offer but wanted you to know I used to have those very same thoughts. Took a lot of years and therapy to not self harm.

Hugs to you.

Heather

 

[Jnean]

thank you. I wrote and drew on my arm, my entire arm, only things that help me to feel safe. Hopefully tonight will be different.

 

[Friday]

Self harm because it's grounding and the pain snaps you out of disassociation, & endorphins lift your mood... Or ...Self harm because it triggers disassociation, and numbness, and don't have to deal?

Or?

 

[Jnean]

snaps me out.

 

[Jnean]

my last disassociation really scared me. I have physical pain unrelated that I'm embracing. I want to feel that pain instead of taking something right away to numb it. I hope that I can learn how to embrace my emotional pain the same. Somehow I'm hoping this might keep me from disassociating like my last one. Feeling physical pain grounds me.

 

[Kayle]

I've been having a reeeeal hard time with disassociation lately. The worst/best part is, I enjoy it so much. Even when I experience suicidal ideation. Writing, in the form of poetry/lyrics has been my best coping mechanism. I'll set an alarm to allow myself to melt as deep as I want so I'm not fighting the entire day to stay present. God, I'm a disaster right now too.

 

[Jnean]

i haven't enjoyed any of it and I disassociated last night and this morning but luckily before I was full blown not present I was able i see the symptoms that I get in the beginning and I work very hard at grounding myself so that I don't go. I just can't go. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Jnean]

oh good lord I just realized that means I have disassociated the last three days now. I'm guessing what came up in emdr three days ago is gonna be rough.

 

[Kayle]

I start emdr in a few weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I haven't confronted any of these feelings head on and don't cope well with anything I've done past or present. Should be a fun ride..

 

[Jnean]

well I will say its been worth it Kayle, I have been changing negative behavior into positive over time so I know it's working. I don't self medicate anymore. That's a huge thing for me, been doing it for over 20 years. There more I have changed and it helps that I don't have to remember my past. The body memories are very difficult but I just learning more and more on what really works for me to feel grounded. I am sure I have a ways to go yet and I wish it was done every day but I know it's always going to be a part of me but it doesn't have to consume me or burden me anymore and that's what emdr is helping me with. So yes hard times but to be expected. And remember we've already been through the worst and go at your own pace once you know your own pace. I said I needed to stop just this last time and we did. I had that control. I was safe.