Dealing With Nudity And Sexual Content

[AllAtOnce]

I understand how you feel. Privacy is priceless.

What is what like?

Whats therapy like?

You saw a therapist for EMDR right?

 

[Muted]

Yes, I've seen many t's since junior high. This is my 3rd EMDR therapist, I'm not sure if I could even count up the others. But, my current T. has been the first ever perfect fit. She gets me and hears me like no one else. I can't always verbalized stuff...but it's amazing how she does what she does.

We go through our rough times for sure, especially lately, but truly transference or not it's like having a best friend that you can only see and talk with sometimes, because they have to limit that in order to maintain being objective.

 

[Casey_03]

I think you need to be concentrating on finding out WHY you have panic attacks when he sees nudity in films, instead of trying to ensure he never will. For one thing, it's straight up impossible to make sure he doesn't watch nudity in films. And you trying to make sure he doesn't has already become you trying to control him (even though he agreed to it -- that's still you trying to control him).


I had the exact same problem when I was about 16 and in my first relationship. Exact same thing -- I'd freak out if my boyfriend watched something with nudity in it, or if we watched something together and there was a naked woman in it. I struggled with it for years. But guess what? The excuse of "it just doesn't seem right for him to be seeing other naked ladies" is almost always a bullshit excuse, and there's almost always something else at the root of all this. You should be trying to figure out what that is instead of focusing your energy on him, or on finding someone who meets your needs. This will sound blunt, and I mean no offense, but the problem is with you, not with your SO or other men. You should be trying to fix it. If you don't, I guarantee you this situation will get much worse, drive people away and you will only get depressed. My guess is this is more about control and insecurity than nudity. Don't be a horrible witch of a woman who tries to block out the existence of naked bodies -- it's absurd and repressive.


If you're not already seeing a therapist about this, please do. And I will stress one more time -- I say this all from firsthand experience, and if I sound harsh it's because I've been through this before and can see the mistakes I made now.

 

[anthony]

My dear friend of nearly 7 years (and now boyfriend) went from saying he'd give up everything that hurts me to getting pissed at me for feeling hurt by movies.

You just learnt the difference between a friend and a partner...

One you see periodically and have good times and conversation with, the other becomes part of your life which is very different from periodic times of your lives sharing moments.

Been together one month... you already see change. Do you want resolution or just venting?

Resolution - Either get out of it now and see if you can possibly go back to friends (unlikely, but you never know), or you need to work on desensitising yourself to such things, as the trigger is behavioural and that means it can be changed, if you want him to be your partner without this issue.

Venting - fair enough... but venting still requires a resolution eventually.

 

[AllAtOnce]

I think you need to be concentrating on finding out WHY you have panic attacks when he sees nudity in...

Thats a little harsh but I appreciate your sincerity.

I never asked him not to. When he learned that Im bothered by those things he was the one who said he wouldnt watch them. I told him thats not necessary because he's "not my boyfriend" (which he wasnt at the time). He insisted on cutting those things out of his life anyway, said my life matters more than movies.

So Ive never once tried to control him. I see no value in that. Now that we're a couple always told him what my needs are and asked if he's willing to meet those needs. He doesnt hesitate to agree but then still gets upset when I mention Id like to check the rating of a film before seeing it (to check for sexual content warnings).

So im just upset because he commited to something (waaay before we even started dating) and that was precious to me. And then he hasnt held up that commitment now that were together.

 

[AllAtOnce]

Yes, I've seen many t's since junior high. This is my 3rd EMDR therapist, I'm not sure if I could even...

You must be really patient and determined to have looked that long for the right therapist. Im glad you found a good one.

 

[Casey_03]

Thats a little harsh but I appreciate your sincerity.

I never asked him not to. When he learned that...

Everything you describe is literally the exact same situation I was in. I also never asked him not to -- he just saw that it upset me and said he wouldn't. But that creates a deeply unhealthy dynamic, and yes, I believe it is still a form of control and manipulation. We can agree to disagree on that. My main point is you should really be doing something about these triggers -- trying to figure out why nudity causes you panic attacks, at the very least. You don't seem to see it as a problem, and I think if you don't do anything about it now you will be in for a very rude awakening later on.

The fact that he committed to something and then went back on his word is really quite irrelevant compared to the panic attacks and nudity thing. You're putting all the blame on him instead of trying to deal with your own issues. I wish you luck but I really think you need to look at this situation very differently.

 

[AllAtOnce]

You just learnt the difference between a friend and a partner...

One you see periodically and have good ti...

Youre right that Im venting. The purpose of my post though was to find someone who has been through what Im experiencing. The venting was just a tag-on I suppose.

Also, he made a commitment (to not watch movies with SC) and then didnt keep on it. Its upsetting because I had so much hope attached to that commitment he made to me and it turns out "your life matters more than movies" isnt as true as it sounded before.

 

[Casey_03]

Also, important question -- do you have the same reaction to nudity if you are with this guy and you guys happen to pass a poster or sign with nudity on it? If you guys go out somewhere, for instance, and you walk past a naked woman on a sign or poster ... what kind of reaction do you have? Or would you have, do you think?

 

[Muted]

I think our society has been incredibly desensitized by the constant exposure to these sexual messages.

I agree a guy that chooses to draw the line sooner rather than later is a rare find, however, I believe they are out there and I don't believe you should settle.

It's a choice to look or not, and not all purposefully desire to exercise that choice, because not all have that strength or awareness. It's much easier to justify one's actions of taking the easy road than to question what society is spoon feeding us.

I agree only with @Casey_03 's one point of working through your own issues in regards to this issue, because working through and having freedom in this area gives you the choice to pursue only a relationship that's values and beliefs align with yours.

As a result, REGARDLESS of what another person chooses...YOU WILL BE OKAY! Because, YOU have a choice in what is ok and what is not okay for what type of relationship that YOUR willing to invest in.

Once again, you are worth it!!!!!!!!

 

[AllAtOnce]

Everything you describe is literally the exact same situation I was in. I also never asked him not to...

Even if I did fix the anxiety, isnt it possible that looking at other girls is wrong in a relationship?

People fall on all sorts of spots on the scale of polyamorous to monogamous, perhaps I just fall waaaay to the monogamous side.

I truely believe (anxiety or no anxiety) that I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who looks at other women. And thats okay. Different people want different types of relationships.

I do see what youre saying though. The anxiety isnt good at all. I dont enjoy the anxiety. Its making me bitter and its very unhealthy.

 

[AllAtOnce]

Also, important question -- do you have the same reaction to nudity if you are with this guy and you g...

Eh, he wouldnt look at the poster or even care about it. It would give me anxiety though to see the poster myself, even if he didnt look at it.

Sexual images make me feel worthless.

When you're a girl, people dont complement you on your accomplishments hardly ever. But they do constantly comment on your appearance. Eventually you become convinced that a woman's value is in her looks/sex appeal and barely any value is placed on her accomplishments.

So since I dont have a perfect body, and there's other perfect bodies everywhere, Im worth nearly nothing.