Deb, my friend killed herself this morning.

[littleoc]

You did everything you could. You don’t sound judgenental at all.

Many many hugs, @Living in the 70s . It wasn’t your fault at all

 

[scout86]

I should have done more!

I know that feeling well. :( It sounds, to me, like you did everything you could. I wish we could force people to make the choices we want them to make and I'm sad that we can't. Except that what kind of a world would that be? You were the best friend you could be. You did more than most people would. Don't go down that road. I'm really and truly sorry about your friend! Take care of your sweet self!

 

[Sideways]

So sorry. Please take good care of yourself over the coming weeks

 

[whiteraven]

I'm so sorry, @Living in the 70s.

 

[ms spock]

Thank you the responses mean a lot to me. I really needed to come back and see those responses because I am really struggling at the moment. I really needed those responses and I am very grateful for those responses.

I am mostly numb.

There was stuff that could have been done, but she didn't make the choices that allowed those things to be done, and when they knew they were in crisis they didn't ring the Suicide Call Back Service or any of the many other phone numbers that I gave her husband. They rang each other, which is ridiculous as none of them have any skills.

Even B rang up and gave all the numbers to her husband (I thought he might take it more seriously if they came from a man). And he gave suggestions of resources, E's sexism stopped him from hearing information that could have potentially assisted her. It is a real shame, but I allowed for that. But it didn't make a difference.

I explicitly told her husband that I was concerned that she was going to kill herself. This is his second wife that has killed herself. I do feel for him, because he doesn't have the capacity to manage a situation like this. Even if they had called me I could have suggested that they ring the Mental Health Team, I said she can't search Dr Google if he cuts the Internet off, but he wouldn't do it, on the other hand she was smart and wouldn't say anything in front of the Mental Health Team that in front of them.

I did consider telling everyone else but then I was scared of losing my place in the friendship network, because that has happened before, even though the person didn't kill themselves. But f*ck it, from now on I don't do this type of support, and I am done. I told another of her friends that her behaviour was that of someone who was preparing to kill themselves. She was concerned but she is a really gentle person with no skills and insight in this arena. Highly intelligent but not with any ability, and she got cut off as well.

I found out tonight that two of the women had been ringing each other 2-3 times per week, and I got really angry (not with the people there) but internally as I was left with the fear, anxiety and stress of worrying about Deb on my own, after everything they knew that I had done for Deb, those women didn't even make a few phone calls to let me know what was going on. Deb got rid of the insightful people and the people who could challenge her and there is nothing I could do about that. The day she told me that she wouldn't be in contact, as she was going into retreat, to try and heal I said to my partner that the next time that we will see all those people will be at her funeral, and if I go to the funeral that will be true. I feel so angry that I might not go to the funeral.

It was so easy to see where she was heading. And you know this is the story of my life, I see stuff that is coming, I warn people and no one pays attention.

This has triggered my reactive attachment stuff and my feelings of abandonment and disconnection, especially when I realised that they had been talking to each other. I had done so much and I didn't get a phone call. There were so many resources that I alerted the husband to and the guy tonight was saying the husband kept ringing my wife and was asking what to do. Well ring the f*cking professionals and get them involved. I didn't gather all those resources together because I have nothing to do with my f*cking life.

I really want to lash out at people and just disconnect from everyone.

My sister has been playing some clever mind games in the background, and that has been disconcerting, and my psychiatrist says to me why do I choose to be upset about my sister's behaviours when she is what she is, and Papa Bear has been in hospital, and he had a kidney stone, and should have been on morphine for that the poor bastard, but I was sick and couldn't go into the nursing home, it is not ethical, so the ball was dropped on that one. I have had about 5 King Hits in a row. It has been a really tough three weeks. I totally lost it and rescued someone. And the thing with Deb had been really upsetting me because I knew what was coming. And I knew unless she decided to do something radically different she would commit suicide. She didn't have PTSD, she had GAD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, but she got caught in an anxious thought rumination and couldn't find her way out. It is a real shame because she had some brilliant skills, and she had done some great environmental and other stuff. But she was quite mad with her thinking and her behaviours, and she somatised so much, and wouldn't listen to the doctors when they told her there was nothing wrong with her physically. I have been that person. I know how hard that was/is. It is a terrible tragedy that she didn't make it. She didn't even write me a note, she wrote the others a note, but she didn't write me one, and that hurts. They were talking to each other and they didn't even let me know that they were doing that. When I reached out I was ignored, and I am not brilliant or anything but I do have some solid skills to offer. I could also point them to where to go and get solid professional help. I guess it was also because I called her on her bullshit. Anyway f*ck belonging anywhere, what I didn't get as a kid I am not going to get now. That time is gone and I can't get that back or fix it, but I will be more blunt in future, and already I am unpopular for being forthright, f*ck this shit is all I can say. I will be as blunt as hell, and everyone can go to f*cking hell.

I am making myself stressed by ruminating in my head about things, which are not happening now. Anyway my stress cup is overflowing.

 

[ILoveLife]

Don't forget some serious self care right now :hug:

 

[littleoc]

You really did do your best, though. You can’t control the behavior of others and if they listen. But you did everything you could.

Which means that it’s fine to be angry about this, also.

Many hugs.

 

[Freida]

I'm so very sorry..

 

[Muttly]

It sounds like things are very overwhelming right now. Please keep talking and be gentle with yourself.

 

[Freida]

I could also point them to where to go and get solid professional help

I know you are beating yourself up about this - but there is a possibility that they didn't want professional help.

My brother gets suicidal/homicidal about every 5 years and he is very open about it. He usually calls me when it gets bad and I take him up to the hospital - and this has been going on for 30 years. What amazes me every time is how the people around him refuse to see how bad he is -- even when he warns them it is coming (He runs on a very predictable cylce). His last wife was furious that he called me instead of asking her to take him up. When she and I talked about it later she admitted she thought I was overreacting and truly believed she could handle it. This was after he and I told her over and over, when he gets like this he has to get admitted.

I used to get so very angry with them, but eventually I figured out that they react like this because it is just inconceivable to them that things are this bad. They simply don't understand it and get angry when anyone tries to make them see it. I'm guessing that may have been why you were left out of the phone calls -- because what you were telling them didn't match what they believed. You were going to tell them what they didn't want to hear so you must have been wrong.

Does that excuse their behavior? Oh hell no. Does it help me understand their behavior? Yep - and sometimes that makes it even worse. And I have to remind myself -- sometimes all you can do is know that you did everything you could based on the circumstances.

 

[ms spock]

Does that excuse their behavior? Oh hell no. Does it help me understand their behavior? Yep - and sometimes that makes it even worse. And I have to remind myself -- sometimes all you can do is know that you did everything you could based on the circumstances.

Thank you.

So I will go to the funeral but I won't talk to anyone or go to the wake. The funeral might not be until next week now, who knows, it is an unexpected death, so her body is at the coroner's office.

 

[Freida]

Are you sure about going to the funeral? If you don't want to talk to anyone there would it be better to do something different as a way to honor her memory? I'm worried it will be hard for you to see those people if you feel that they let her down.....