Relationship Deceitful In Setting Up Escape - Advice Wanted On What To Do Please

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Thanks to everyone for their views on boundaries.
My husband will be coming home in a couple of weeks after walking out on me last November. He was deceitful whilst setting up his 'escape'. He has been staying with a 'friend' for the last few months but he tells me there has never been anything sexual between them. He now realises he is fond of this friend but that it is me he loves and wants to be with. He recognises he's been putting himself under a lot of stress working on local support networks whilst he's been away. He doesn't want to talk about the time he's been away but I think it would be reasonable to explore what could have been done differently to avoid his walk out? I felt betrayed and very hurt and boundaries seems to be an issue here. Communication needs addressing, I don't think I could handle another walk out. He has raised the idea of a bolthole which I think could be a good idea (for both of us!). We've never discussed anything like this before prhaps a mediator/counsellor would be the way to go as I just want to bring about the best for both of us.
Any thoughts and suggestions would be very welcome.
LH

 

[amethist]

Hi LH

I have read this a few times before replying to your post.

I myself would be very careful before you let him back into your life full time, as trust seems to be the main issue with all of this. He say's he does not want to talk about the time he has been away, I would have to sit down somewhere neutral and at least talk about some of it, the staying with a friend but, bit makes me think back to a a similar thing said to me by my ex husband (No ptsd involved but?, I was wrong to believe him).

Before you do let him back please set up some very strong boundaries that you will not allow him to cross, what ever excuse he gives. Also do not rush into anything you may regret in the future, and do not agree to anything just to keep him happy, you both have to agree to everything equally.

Take care and make all decisions that suit you best, not your sufferer. This may sound selfish, but you will have to put your self first for now, protect your own feelings, now and for in the future.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

Honestly, IMO, things may not be going so well with his *friend* so he needs a place to stay....I'm sorry, but I don't buy any of this, and I wouldn't let him back in...Just my opinion, and you need to make your own decisions.....

 

[CCurry]

Like Amethist, I'm not replying in haste and as a another carer I'm trying to put myself in your shoes.

Of all the crap that my sufferer has and still is putting me through because his ptsd is uncontrolled I have realized that his behaviour is directly affected by this disorder. If I had a feeling that there was immoral activity (and lets face it the chances are that yours has been there) there is no way in hell I could put up with that shit, there is enough going on in my life without another woman being involved.

Follow your gut in terms of believing him. Clearly the fact that you've even posted this means that you're gut is telling you something that you refuse to listen to. Just my opinion though.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi She Cat
I'm sure there's a lot of people who would agree with you. I'm thinking it through very carefully, after all we married for better or worse 7 years ago and this is the first time anything like this has happened. He looks after me when I'm unwell. I'm looking for suggestions but will make my own decision.
LH

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Amethist
Thanks for your comments. I have had time recently to reconnect with myself and my values. Honesty and communication are very important and I think the best place to start.
I've had a PM from Don who made a good suggestion I feel: fix a date to talk for a couple of weeks after he comes home. There will be stress around his return and it will give a bit of time for us both to settle.
LH x

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Thanks CCurry

I thought I was asking for advice around communication and talking about boundaries. My husband is expecting rules and conditions which is the same as boundaries I guess but I feel they need to be mutually agreed upon as adults not imposed . Do you think that's possible?
LH

 

[CCurry]

Hi LH,

You said in your original post that he doesn't want to talk about the time that he was away. If you're looking for boundaries here's one for you, he has to be upfront and honest about his time away from you. If you really are honest with yourself you'll realize that anybody who doesn't want to talk about the time he was away means that he has something to hide. If you are okay with infidelity then you'll have an easier time getting past this then I personally would.

If he insists he doesn't want to talk about then clearly he'd be breaking one of my boundaries. You know the old saying, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Goodluck.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi CCurry
You're right. If he has nothing to hide then why not speak about his time away. He always said it was a business relationship and she was a friend.
We both agree that arguing is not helpful. We prefer to talk things through but I would need to take the above issue to an independent counsellor such as Relate.
Thanks for teasing that one out with me.
LH x

 

[a3a2]

I suggest you see that counselor before he moves back in.

 

[CCurry]

Independant counsel sounds like a very good plan.

 

[Midnight]

He looks after me when I'm unwell.

Just a quick note, as I'm new to this thread (so I don't mean to butt in, but perhaps my perspective can be helpful), I would suggest that taking care of a spouse is just something spouses do, and should not be used in terms of 'weighing the scales'. Good things that people do for one another when they are in a relationship should not be measured, or stored up for bartering. We do nice things for people because we want to show our love. People who do nice things because they want to use them later as leverage, (remember when I did 'x' for you?) are not acting with love - it's manipulation. That said, a long term relationship ending, or in dire straights, is a difficult thing to cope with, and only you will know what is right for you. Definitely, you need very clear boundaries, and perhaps should safeguard yourself against a codependant relationship. I hope this is at least somewhat helpful, and wish you all the best!