Relationship Delivering Bad News--when He's Already Down Or When He's Better Knowing It Will Send Him Down Again?

[feetfirst]

S and I have been dealing with money issues, and I've been freaking out as much as he has. I let the money issue get me so stressed that I lost my center and ended up giving him unfiltered access to my head, which didn't go well. It's led us to deal with some general relationship issues, like me realizing how distorted my thinking has been and moving to better understand where he's coming from (with help from this forum). I was hoping we could finish dealing with the general issues before picking up on the money issues (which I talked about here). I was waiting to receive an email response to our general issues and then I'd broach the money issue again.

Instead I just received a text from him that he'll get in touch with me when he's in a better place because people he loves are letting him down big time and he's really hurting right now. He went on to say that if I wanted to send the email about money, he was in a place to listen, but if not, we could chat in real time. I'm freaking out again.

After much soul searching about why I got so triggered when he brought up money, I realized I've been pushing him to look at long-term money solutions, such as subsidized housing, for several months now because I knew the money issue was going to come back up, and I'm pretty tapped out. I've given him a lot of money, and I just don't have any more to give. It freaks me out and makes me feel bad and extremely stressed, because I know it's going to make his life more difficult.

Is it better for me to tell him now when he's already dealing with feeling seriously let down by loved ones or to wait until he's better knowing it'll only cause him pain and stress again after having just dealt with the same issues? Either way seems particularly harsh, kick him when he's down or let him get up and kick him down again. I'm scared and confused. My guess is the lesser of two evils would be to tell him now, but I want to check this out to see if that makes sense. I'd really appreciate feedback.

 

[mamachick]

I know the issue is about money but it sounds like you are very very protective of him. There is nothing wrong with being protective, but not at the cost to yourself. I think it is healthy to protect children, I think it is health to protect a relationship, but I think it is extremely burdensome to protect another adult to the extent that it is causing you such stress. I know right now it feels like you are dropping a bomb on him, but I also know that that kind of protection can cause the other person to stay status quo.

May not be the same, but I tried to cover money issues for years and not trouble my husband with lifes realities. This is how much groceries are, this is how much the plumber charges. This is the soccer bill, and we can't afford to keep doing what we are doing. He still doesn't get it because his mother helps him out (I think). That is not an adult solution and we are all adults and need to be real.

If this does not apply at all, I may have misunderstood and please disregard. Very sorry for how this feels for you right now.

 

[Nessa7]

Before you talk to him, I think it might be helpful to plan ahead what you want to say. I would not send an e-mail when he isn't feeling stable. If you think this is going to be a difficult conversation, it might help to be able to see how he is reacting and to be able to stop and have both of you relax before talking more. I don't think that it would be inappropriate to look up some of the numbers that he would need to call to begin the process of receiving assistance (Department of Social Services, United Way, American Cancer Society). It would still be up to him to decide if he wants to use these resources, but you would be removing one barrier for him. Because he has cancer, there may be local organizations with a less intimidating bureaucracy than he might encounter at the Department of Social Services that he might not be aware of.

 

[feetfirst]

Maybe I shouldn't have included the back story, as it seems to be distracting from the real issue. The real issue is whether it's better to deliver bad news when the Sufferer is already stressed dealing with a similar issue or waiting until they've recovered from that stress knowing that you must have another conversation that will take them down the exact same road again.

@Nessa7 One thing I'm become quite clear on recently (thanks to the forum) is I need to listen to him and stay out of his business. Someone on a blog post said, "...they need to regain a sense of control in their lives and if they do what you say they lose that. So even if what you are saying is the right thing, saying it may be the wrong thing." That statement really resonated with me. The only way I'll do anything on his behalf now is if he specifically asks.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If you wait for a sufferer to not be stressed, you'll be waiting a long long long time.

This is one of those reality situations you can't shield him from. This is survival, and it has to be faced. He can't be shielded from it. The reality of the situation is you cannot give him any more money. He needs to know that now and deal with it.

There are just some times when life doesn't give a damn about the stress cup. If he can't manage without your money he needs to suck it up and get some financial help in some other way.

 

[feetfirst]

If you wait for a sufferer to not be stressed, you'll be waiting a long long long time.

@Sweetpea76 Thanks, this is just what I needed to hear. You couldn't be more spot on.

 

[Tinyflame]

Do you live together?

 

[feetfirst]

Do you live together?

@Junebug No, we don't live together. We talked about it and decided it wasn't a good idea. He's not even local currently; he's across the country for a few months (Sept - Dec). We primarily communicate via Hangouts and email.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm wondering why you are already mixing your finances given his stress level AND the fact that money is a top reason that relationships fail. I mean there are married people who keep separate finances except for household funds. It just doesn't sound like mixing finances was a wise move.

 

[feetfirst]

@Dead Link Removed I think you may have misunderstood. In no way are we sharing fiances.

 

[Silver.]

I've given him a lot of money

This is sharing finances.
I also agree that you cannot wait for him to "be better". Conversations need to be had and there might never be a right time

 

[EveHarrington]

Sorry, I misunderstood. It's hard for me to remember everyone's stories. :hug: