Denial Is Insidious I Am So Busted By My Own

[Deleted member 12723]

I am waking up from a spell cast over me. I have been in denial regarding my sister nine years younger than me. She is an abuser and very toxic.

I was raised to be responsible for her. I have always overlooked her foibles and made excuses for her. My family never liked her. I think I am trauma bonded to her. I have always felt sorry for her because she had such a hard life.

It never occured to me that she was an adult making adult choices. Now I know she does not really care for me. I am an extension of herself. An appendage that is supposed to make her feel good.

With the denial gone, I am feeling very confused. Why did it go on for so long? She is dying now. So I only have phone contact with her. I have good enough boundries to know that. But I have overlooked so much with her. She is very toxic to be around and sucks the life right out of me on the phone.

I am so full of confusion and feel so mixed up right now. I know I need to take this into therapy, I only have one more emdr session left. I will work on her the next time I go in. I will be out of therapy for two months thanks to my HMO. So I have to do the best I can by myself. I do not feel anything for her. Now that the denial has crashed and burned.

Are there stages of coming out of denial? I have heard of the stages of grief. I am assuming I will be going through them. We will not be able to reconcile or resolve anything. She is not working on her own healing. She is an ex alcoholic. She really drank alot. Now she is on alot of medications. This is all really complicated. I need insights if there is any willing to share.

 

[Abstract]

Oh, Gizmo. I can hear your pain with this so much. I wish I could take it away but really pain can be healing in certain ways and going through it a good thing in the end.

If I speak for myself I have held onto an illusion of someone being something they were not for a few reasons. One is that I probably could not cope with the truth or what that truth would mean. For example with my mother - I could not cope with the reality of who she was when I was a child. Denial helped me survive for a bit. I also think I struggled to actually understand that people could have negative motivations. Sometimes we look at others through the eyes of what we are like. Usually it is because we have been trained to always think of others to the exclusion of ourselves.

Accepting the reality of who someone is is like moaning the death of the person we thought was there. It is alike a real death in my experience and I have gone through the stages of grief when processing it. I found it helpful when I got to a place where I accepted that they love me in the way they are able and that it isnt personal but without then falling into self judgment, guilt or self blame. I think its a process and a very very painful one.

Sending caring to you whilst you go through this and find your truth and peace of mind.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract thank you so much for what you had to say. I appreciate it very much. I could not cope with who she really is. I wonder why I could not cope? It could be happening now because she is dying and the dream is dead. I so wanted to help her but I was so blind deaf and dumb.


I have been trained to look after her with the exclusion of myself. I always had to watch out for my sister and although I did she never cared, she always did exactly what she wanted to do. She is such a selfish person. I am in shock. It is falling off of me very slowly.

I know I have to mourn the loss of my fantasy sister. It does not fit anymore. I cannot believe I was doing this. So many wasted years. I have to think her dying triggered this one. I really began to look at her with focus. I began to see what I was blinded to. Her daughter is all messed up. I made a report on my sister when her daughter was a baby and they let my sister go. I was so terrified of making a report I did it anonymously.

My hands have been tied. It is a weird situation now. I have not talked to her since this happened but I know I am going to change. I will begin to ask for my needs to be met. After all it only a phone conversation.

But my head feels funny and all mixed up. I guess it will take time to resolve all of this. i have a feeling I am in for a shock. I am so thankful that I have the forum because it has helped so much.

 

[Abstract]

Gizmo,

I really understand the feelings you are talking about. It is very hard and painful. I also think that when I have big realisation I feel like Alice in Wonderland when she falls down the rabbit hole. Reality shifts and the world turns upsidedown. That is very disconcerting. As I have a more definite sense of who I am things don't throw me as much.

I think its really normal that you feels so confused and in pain. A big part fo how you are looking at your life and your relationships is changing.

It sounds like your parents made you her keeper right from the start and you were therefore handed this role. In my experience that always seems to make it harder to see the truth and for longer. When things start from childhood and parents are involved.

You are very brave to report her for her treatment of her daughter and should be proud. Abusive behaviour is never OK. Not to you and not to her daughter or anyone else. Some people have big problems with boundaries and they impinge on the lives of those around them.

What you are doing is a powerful thing and you should be proud. Let yourself feel whatever you feel.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract you are so very perceptive. They did make me her keeper right from the start. It does feel like falling down the rabbit hole. Thank you for sharing your insights with me. I am very grateful. You put into words the things I am feeling and cannot yet put into words. Thank you so much.

 

[Abrasky]

You are growing Gizmo, making new realisations and feeling grief for the first time. Be proud of yourself. : )

I have a younger sister too, who is toxic towards me, right from even when she is rude the moment she sees me. And I had to let her go multiple times. The last was when she kept putting how nice her abuser (my step-dad) is on her social network page. It was like she wanted to bait me. Actually my old psychologist on my social network page a week before I should be wary of her. And she was right, just wanted to hurt me again.

I just had to let her go so I could heal myself. And I agree it is very painful, especially when you remember helping raising them as baby's. It leaves a hole though, and then you have to find ways to fill that hole. : ) That can be a good journey though.

It was choice between my inner child and her toxicity. I chose to parent my inner child. What is a charade, isn't really there at all anyway.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Maze. I did raise her. The problem is that she is dying and I will not abandon her in these days of sickness and pain. I have cut her off several times and I missed her and would invite her back. She is the last one alive in my family of origin.

But with the denial shattering I do not know what I will be left doing. It has been a charade with me enabling her. That will end now. I will change me. I will wait and see what happens. My sister is rude and yucky to me at the same time. She is there for herself and I am tired of it. I will begin to ask to have some of my needs met. And we will see what she does. I do not want to make excuses for her anymore. She is fifty years old and not a little girl for me to make feel good at my expense. It is a shock and yes I am grieving. I am glad I only have phone contact with her now. That makes it easier. I will change me.

 

[p-no]

Are there stages of coming out of denial?

IMO, yes, there are. Or at least there have been for me. They say (which is also true for me) that the soul will allow to surface only as much as it can bear at a time. To me, my waking up has been going on all my life but in major steps (I'd consider yours one) only over the last say ten years. Since then it's been like reality has really hit me over the head and left me lying there for a while before I could get up and find ways of moving on. Ever since, my life has reminded me in many aspects of "Matrix" and/or "The Island" and/or "Truman Show". "Matrix" most, since there were more levels of more truths to wake up from...

Some things in your post really hit home with me:

I think I am trauma bonded to her.

I am an extension of herself. An appendage that is supposed to make her feel good.

These are very painful truths to come to see. Be kind to yourself, dear gizmo. One step at a time. I hear you -- but have little to say for comfort because I can feel the pain myself and can't think of anything that may alleviate it, I am sorry. (((gizmo)))

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you very much for your insights. I like the movie the Truman Show and The Island. I do not remember the matrix. But those movies had universal truths. Everything was for show. None of it was real. There was alot of deception involved. I think the wool has been pulled over my eyes for long enough. I got into therapy over twenty years ago.

I thought I shattered all of my denial. I am still in shock. I know my mind will go slow. I will want to speed it up but I cannot. I think this is happening because she is sick and dying. She is the last of my original family. I will be alone. I will have her daughter but I do not know if she is capable of taking care of herself. Or if she can keep her son.

So many things to wake up to. Just when I thought I was doing so good too. I guess my mind says it is time to look at these things. Thank you for your compassion. I am deeply grateful for it. I really appreciate your response so much.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is the strangest thing, the more honest I am the worse the little critical voice in my head. I am doing serious battle with it today. I will never understand the effects of child abuse. To actually repeat the things my abusers said to me.

 

[Abstract]

((((Gizmo)))) I am so sorry and understand completely. I really don't understand why it happens either. Its painful and confusing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract you are so right. it is painful and confusing. I keep telling myself that these are only feelings and that feelings pass. I must have a horrible viewpoint of myself as a child. I must have believed them and what they told me about me.

Thanks for the compassion, I needed it. Oy vey.:confused: