Dependence on Numbing of any Kind

[Paranoid-BedBug]

I can't get high. I think my dopamine system is utterly broken, thanks to childhood abuse and anhedonia in general. Is it genetic? I have no frame of reference.

I get no pain relief with narcotics, thankfully, because I'd probably be an addict if I could.

I get sharp, painful emotional flashbacks and shots of shame attached to brief snippets of past events that feel like a punch to the gut.

On bad days, they keep coming.

I do my best to keep distracting music or shows playing in the background constantly. I have an accommodation at work for wireless headphones.

Silence is painful.

I also use non-regulated methods to numb the pain.

I used to use alcohol, but after I said mean things to my sister while drunk, I have that up.

I've abused sleep medication to numb out enough to sleep. Sometimes I just take them midday to dull my brain.

I use kratom, as it has a numbing effect at a moderate dose, but the side- effects are getting bad, so I'm tapering off.

I primarily use solitaire and other simple tech games. I wish I could get back into crafting and sewing, but those activities intensify the flashbacks to an intolerable level.

I feel so weighed down. Exercise without a purpose fills me with such despair that it hurts worse than laying down, though being unfit physically hurts.

I would use sex, if I had a partner, but I avoid relationships because I know I'd be using them to coregulate, like just another numbing agent.

(See my other posts on why therapy isn't working for me, and, yes, I'm desperately trying to find a new I've.)

I don't tend to get addicted to anything, as I can't get high and have no rituals to get hooked on. I'm very chaotic.

Physical withdrawals suck, but once I give up one activity that numbs, I just switch to another.

I refuse to try other drugs, for fear I'd find something that actually feels good. I rarely feel pleasure or joy, so I avoid drugs that could give me an artificial experience. I don't need that horror.

I'm just rambling. I have no solutions or questions.

I suspect other CPTSD survivors using numbing activities and substances, even without a high, because the alternative is agony.

 

[arfie]

I suspect other CPTSD survivors using numbing activities and substances, even without a high, because the alternative is agony.

oh my, yes. my own numbing agent of choice was work. work-aholism shows well at the financial stations and is far more encouraged than the more expensive chemicals, but i don't believe my numbing agent was less insanity producing than my sibs who relied on chemicals. turning around to face that agonizing alternative isn't easy, whatever your choice of numbing agents.

*******coffee cup clink*******
here's hoping that healing happens here.

 

[ChelseaPB]

I can't get high. I think my dopamine system is utterly broken, thanks to childhood abuse and anhedonia in general. Is it genetic? I have no frame of reference.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen anything in my life that I relate to so much. Just seeing that I’m not alone made me feel so much better. Thank you.

 

[Rose White]

It’s very hard for me to numb anymore. When it happens it’s because I’m in a deep stress/shame spiral and the dis-association takes over—but it’s not as deep as it used to be.

The hangover from deep numbing? I wouldn’t want that again.

 

[Paranoid-BedBug]

It’s very hard for me to numb anymore. When it happens it’s because I’m in a deep stress/shame spiral and the dis-association takes over—but it’s not as deep as it used to be.

The hangover from deep numbing? I wouldn’t want that again.

Could you explain your experience of a hangover from deep numbing? I'm not sure I know if I've had the same experience.

 

[Rose White]

@Paranoid-BedBug the sense of having to face whatever it is I was numbing from (in sharp bright contrast) on top of facing fallout from stuff I did (to myself or others) while frantically seeking or experiencing numbing would take me out further, triggering a new cycle of numbing.

 

[user56253]

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen anything in my life that I relate to so much. Just seeing that I’m not alone made me feel so much better. Thank you.

Tru dat

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I basically numb myself by constantly having noise of any sort in the background whenever I’m home and also by playing video games or going to antique and thrift stores. Sometimes it’s just sitting there and brushing and styling the hair of a fashion doll and even changing the clothes. For awhile it was constantly bidding on things nonstop on eBay and that became a major problem as I would sometimes bid on twenty items all at once and not expect to with two thirds of the auctions and I didn’t have enough money to pay for it all.

I never drank because I was on Prozac for a really long time and the other reason was because most things with alcohol tastes like hand sanitizer to me and it’s a really nasty taste. I had no interest in doing any type of drugs. I used to numb the pain by self injuring myself but I successfully stopped doing that for the past fifteen years. SI was literally the only thing I found that could make the thoughts leave me a long for awhile.

 

[Carrie White]

Some things sound familiar to me, others not so much.
For me, it's mainly drug addiction and eating disorders.
I used to drink when I was with people, simply because I was otherwise very inhibited. But you can smell alcohol, so I switched to psychotropic pills (Ritalin and the like).
Later, other things were added, more and more, more and more intense, and in the end I even took meth and heroin. Fortunately, I managed to get out in time and kept my teeth and my job.
Unfortunately, things aren't looking so good with my eating disorder. Either I starve myself or I eat non-stop, and in between I also have really bad bouts of bulimia, especially when I'm under stress.
It is much more difficult for me to overcome an eating disorder than drug addiction because you can stay away from drugs (e.g., by avoiding certain neighborhoods where they are sold). Food, on the other hand, is everywhere.

For a while, I hurt myself; that was my outlet when I wasn't allowed to take drugs. Now it annoys me because it has left scars.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

The fact that I didn’t even have any interest in doing drugs is a miracle given my area has had a serious problem of deaths caused by drugs. And the town I live in has had over 50 deaths each year from OD and it isn’t a very big city either. I just numbed it the best I could by self harming myself for seven years.

 

[DanM96$$]

I’m very glad that you were able to stay off of drugs. And… as for self harm… I don’t know. I honestly just want to tell you that you’re beautiful ok? I… just wanted to tell you because I feel we all have something wonderful to give. And to see self harm is a terrible thing.

I don’t know if it makes any difference, but if I could I really would want to give you virtual hugs. Ok?

 

[Carrie White]

And the town I live in has had over 50 deaths each year from OD and it isn’t a very big city either.

Yes, unfortunately that's very common at the moment.
A woman I knew died in August, shortly before her 35th birthday, from an overdose.
I thought she had made it, but she had a stupid relapse, and with fentanyl that happens very quickly.