Depersonalisation

[Maggiemay]

I found this pretty accurate description the other day. It describes me to a T!! My therapist, after I showed it to her agreed, but it's now about disentangling whether it is a feature of BPD, or a separate entity of its own. I guess it's based on severity and how transient it is. Personally I feel it's my biggest difficulty and think it's a disorder in its own right, not just a symptom of something else...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you mean a feature of DID? (Dissociative identity disorder)?

I didn't think dissociation was a part of borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder (whichever one you're referring to)

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Hope4future]

Thanks for sharing this. It puts into words my experiences.

 

[Maggiemay]

Solara - dissociation is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder [DLMURL]http://bpdresourcecenter.org/DSM-IV.html[/DLMURL]
Hope4future - it's the best explanation I've found as it's not in technical mumbo jumbo, but real life experiences :) I struggle A LOT with my mind and body being 2 separate entities... :( xx

 

[Abstract]

Yes Maggie, dissociation is an expected part of Borderline personality and I think even significant life affecting levels would still just be considered part of the condition (as far as I understand it).

But that doesn't mean you are any less affected by it than someone diagnosed with a dissociative disorder like Depersonalisation Disorder for example. Regardless it sounds useful to investigate the extent to which this affects you as awareness is a great first step. I too think that dissociation is what affects me the most which shocks me since a few years ago I didn't even know I did it.

I imagine it greatly contributes the identity issues that are part of BPD. Keep us updated on what happens.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks Abstract. . I struggle with both sorts of dissociation, but find depersonalisation the hardest. It was 1st brought up when I was intensive group therapy 8years ago, but I wasn't ready to face it then.

It affects many areas of my life - I do the whole loosing chunks of time (even blacking out and loosing consciousness) and have warped perceptions (pretty scary when I leave the house! ) and sense (everything seems distant and far away). But, the depersonalisation aspects are what I struggle with the most
.
I described it the other day to my T as being a constant fight between 2 very separate entities with their own autonomy and beliefs. It's unrelenting. I am very good at intellectualising things, but my body seems to have a lifw of its own. I suffer a lot with somatisation.

You're right about the identity thing - it's hard to describe but it's as if I have no self image. Whenever I look in the mirror, it feels like a stranger looking back at me. I often too feel like an observer watching a movie of my life - I've described myself before aa being in the corner watching.

I also struggle with numbness - both emotionally, being unable to feel any emotions, and physically. Regularly my body will go numb or tingly so I can't move, particularly my arms and legs.

I also get that robot feel of being a robot on auto pilot.

I hate it because it makes me feel crazy and as if I'm looking touch with reality. I have done a lot of research online to develop my understanding as although it's fairly common, there's very little literature out there

I have tried to seek out a physical reason why this happens to no avail. It's the way I'm weird and how I deal with stressful experiences especially. My latest when I see the dr on Thursday is to ask about fibromyalgia...

I have already seen a neurologist and cardiologist because of it all. Everything always comes back clear

 

[Abstract]

I have all those too and understand their affect. Another one I have that is very problematic is my tongue and mouth muscles or my vocal chords wont work without warning.

As for the battling with oneself thing - it is driving me literally insane and I am constantly convinced I am schizophrenic. It is terrible strong to do with acknowledging PTSD or trauma and at the worst I am in danger of harming myself if I go too fast with it. It is utterly exhausting. Denial has turned into a third world war and the location is inside my head.

 

[Hope4future]

Sometimes I feel so disconnected from the world that I'm convinced that I could just leave it and no one would notice. I feel like a mist that would simply evaporate. This is dangerous thinking combined with SI. I had no idea it was a form of dissociation until a few months ago. Having a name for it and an explanation as to why it happens has helped me, in healthier moments, feel less crazy.

I'm still coming to terms with the reality of dissociation and how much it impacts my life. Because I appear to function so well, it's easy to dismiss the dissociation, but I know that what's on the outside does not reflect the chaos and darkness on the inside. Dissociation/ depersonalization makes it easy to pretend. No feelings, no problems.

It's lonely and isolating to not feel real. Good to know I'm not alone.

 

[Maggiemay]

*Hugs* Abstract. Yep, I can go mute quite often, despite wanting to talk and communicate - it's as if it's on the tip of ny tounge but just won't come out. Last year I had to stop choir as I appeared to have lost my singing voice. It was very disheartening. Luckily it's come back, although it still comez and goes when it feels like it!

I get the whole worries about schizophrenia. But one of the symptoms I feel reassured by (the only one) is that reality testing remains in tact and you are aware it's not real. This is true as I have always been told, if you doubt that you are crazy you can't be as to be crazy you are unaware you are, if that makes sense. But I know that battle all too well :( Boo!!

*hugs* Hope4future

Yep, that sounds like dissociation :( I'm at much higher a risk of self harming when I'm dissociated, and even more worrying when I don't remember it...

You've hit the nail on the head about it being easy to pretend. I definitely use dissociation as a defence to keep me safe and by being numb and not feeling pain, I come across as a lot weller than I am. Luckily my T gets it and says a lot of my therapy is about allowing myself to feel emotions and not just put up a front.

It can be very isolating, as you feel you can't reach out for support, but also it's been ny saviour a lot...

Xxx

 

[Meadowsweet]

Dissociation is part of PTSD and lots of other disorders. in the UK there are no national clinical guidelines for treating it. My therapist takes it into account, and an aim of therapy is to integrate all parts of me into one. But it's still done with trauma work.

It seems that it wouldn't change anything to have it diagnosed as a separate disorder.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks for your reply Medowsweet :) *hugs*

Yep, I have both complex PTSD and BPD so it's almost a given I'll struggle, but it feels more than just a symptom. It's constant and unrelenting.

My therapist too is working on reintegration stuff. I couldn't do EMDR because I dissociated too much so we've done a lot of work about trying to stay in the present.

For me it wouldn't change the way I'm treated if I was diagnosed with a separate disorder, but it would recognise that this is something I struggle with significantly. It's not something that comes and goes dependent on my mood. It would recognise how disabling it is for me. Urgh! It makes everyday a battle ground.

X