Depressed

[aj95]

I remember being about 8 or 9 years old and I would give my older brother messages and I had no idea what sex was. he would be naked and he would let me touch him. I had no idea what I was doing and even enjoyed it. how sick is that? I feel so used and gross. it only happened a handful of times but it's affected my whole life.

I'm 19 years old now and I'm a wreck. I came out as gay when I was 15 and I can't help but think I'm gay because of what happened to me. I have had sex with so many guys I lost count. I have sex with guys to find one that will love me, but it only makes me feel more alone. I've had problems with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and relationships.

I don't know what to do.

 

[Justmehere]

Hi aj95 - so sorry for what you are going through. Sexual trauma is deeply wounding, but healing is possible. PTSD can play a role in everything you are struggling with. Have you seen a helpful trauma therapist?

 

[Loner]

Identity issues like gay or straight will sort themselves out with time. For now, just make healthy choices. You have identified habits that are not healthy, for now just try and make healthy choices and take things one day at a time. I really think the gay/straight thing really isnt that important. I mean it is, its a huge part of who we are, but it isnt immediately important. Dealing with the hurt and confusion that was caused by the truama with your brother is, as is making healthy choices and forming healthy habits.

 

[arfie]

Guilt is one of the nastiest whips in my own journey through the madness. The parts that felt good at the time are the nastiest of the guilt whips. They mix with the hurt and pain in some profoundly confusing ways. Be patient and gentle with yourself, aj. It is allot to sort through. Are you in therapy?

Welcome to the forum, aj. Opening up about it is an all-important first step.

 

[aj95]

I have not seen a therapist about this at all.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I remember being about 8 or 9 years old and I would give my older brother messages and I had no idea what sex was. he would be naked and he would let me touch him. I had no idea what I was doing and even enjoyed it.

This is somewhat similar to when I was 6 or 7 years old with my female babysitter. I am female myself. We were not naked but we were pretty much topless. I very much enjoyed it and I am still coming to terms with it to be honest. I don't think she did anything wrong and my therapist totally disagrees.

I am bisexual. Who knows if it shapes your sexuality now. You are young and it's okay to explore your sexuality, many people do at that age...or really any age trauma or no trauma.

I am sorry this is causing your issues. Have you talked with anyone about it?