Depression, Or, Finally Making Realizations?

[GettingBetter]

As background, I just graduated university with a dual major, dual minor (graduating with high honors), while holding down some jobs on campus, while dealing with a chronic illness- and now I realize a lot of my mental health trouble is PTSD. The diagnosis was a relief.

I am currently working as an intern, which will run out in a few weeks. The past few weeks have been rough (physically and mentally) and I slipped up in work. I wasn't able to complete an assignment, which put my supervisor in a tough position. Our conversation was more like her teaching me "this is how you should act in this situation in the workplace," as she knows it's my first job. She said that if it were a real job, I would have been in a lot more trouble. I was proud though and took it in stride and didn't beat myself up about it. She's super sweet though so I guess I got lucky. In other words, if I were a real employee, I am on the road to being fired. I was holding back tears during my conversation with her as I finally accepted that I can't keep pushing myself on my academic and career goals- it's just NOT gonna happen. School became increasingly more difficult by my senior year it was basically impossible- went from A's to C's, but my grades were high enough in the beginning that I still graduated with honors. I can't imagine ever returning at this point for grad school. I've been ignoring these feelings for quite a number of years, but I finally realized it's time to give in and listen. Perhaps I should note that I am a recovering perfectionist.

It's been building that I am just so done. So done with meetings. So done with office politics. So done with "political correctness." So done with networking. So done with "office etiquette." So done with taking initiative. So done with "projects." So done with teamwork. So done with overachieving. So done with performance evaluations. So done with sitting at a desk. So done with answering to a supervisor. So done with high goals. So done with impressing people. So done with being a go-getter. So done with stress. So done with expectations. So done with the 9-5. I hate it, I honestly hate it. The only thing I enjoy is the friends I've made.

I've been mulling over other options for a bit and finally took the leap and applied for kitchen jobs today. Honestly, it's the first field in my job search that I am actually excited about. I had childhood dreams of being a chef, but was talked out of it because it wasn't a "real" career (abusive home, see CPTSD). But I'm embarrassed about telling people about these- probably minimum wage- jobs because they have such high hopes for me. I could get a glowing reference from probably every past employer and professor and they're rooting for my future because I was such a bright student. I love learning. I love the feel of a university, how you can just smell and feel the learning lol. I love academics, but it doesn't love me. How do I tell references that I'm basically throwing all of that away and doing a complete 180 on my life? How do you deal with accepting less from yourself?

All my fellows interns are furiously job searching to begin their careers with all their lofty goals, and I'm over here like "I want to clean toilets (lol)." I just want a job. I was to just BE. I want a mediocre, but happy life.

 

[EveHarrington]

I was wondering how you become a recovering perfectionist when the whole world demands perfection. Now I see. Kind of trying to be ok with a no-nothing job that people look down on. I tell nobody what I do because I hate being judged. :hug:

 

[Naoru]

How do I tell references that I'm basically throwing all of that away and doing a complete 180 on my life? How do you deal with accepting less from yourself?

My t guides me to accept just where I am each day and to practice self-love and compassion when the self-judgement hits hard. There are no rules and nothing saying you cannot change career paths, even to something with less prestige. Whatever you need to do is perfectly acceptable. ;)

Other than that, I have no advice; I only wanted to show support as a fellow perfectionist and high academic achiever. ;) Can't say I'm to the "recovering" part, yet.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm with @Naoru on this. You're at where you're at.

I can't personally say that I can identify with your situation but I can say that I do disappoint some of the most influential people in my life simply based on my choices. My T has drilled and continues to drill into me that this is my journey and despite with other people say, I have to focus on myself and my needs. Much easier said than done. I get easily influenced and put on a guilt trip very quickly. I'm learning slowly with the coaching of my T and help from my friend.

I guess that would be my advice to you too. Won't be easy, but if working in the kitchen instead of what other people think you should be doing, then work in the kitchen. That will give you satisfaction, enjoyment and a sense of accomplishment. You need to put yourself first. Do what you need to do for you.

 

[pixel]

Everyone likes food on their plate.

Everyone likes a clean toilet.

Those jobs are very important. Don't let anyone look down on you.

 

[Freedomfighter]

As background, I just graduated university with a dual major, dual minor (graduating with high ho...

I think if there are extremes in one's professional life then that person needs a time out and to try something different is also a way to actually find out what one really wants.

I have several different jobs in totally different fields and I find that actually shows me different worlds, none of them I would describe as a very productive work situation. But that has shown me something: whether I work in an office or in a physical job: the stupid office politics exist in both, the total humiliation by supervisors and mangers exist in both, the dumb unnecessary little situations that happen in both jobs make me wonder if there really is any sense to approach a different job only to find the same stupidity. I am embarking on entrepreneurship and I am very excited about that, independence, leading my own way, for me that is the way to go.

What disgusts me the most is how people act: I used to work in a place where I was stalked, hence now I have PTSD, when going for help the so called security people at first seemed peculiar and at times helpful and at other times not. But then my difficulties increased in that place and with shock I noticed that the same people I attempted to receive help from were actually running a little bordello out of the security office, with females that happily committed adultery every day with all kinds of loosers, including them. Then I found out they were actively harassing me to get rid of me, in order not to hear the truth. To these days the hired females attempt to show me in a negative light and pretend that my truthful account of crimes committed against me also happened to them, while in fact they knew exactly that the reason they were there was to simply entertain loosers that were too chicken to be man enough to admit they had problems with their much hated wives, sissy boys. So then I left that job, published my own website on which I reported their wrongdoings.

So now I work in two jobs: in both of those females sleep with the bosses, with permission of their money greedy wives, sleep around the office with everything on two legs and find the time to harass me on top of everything.

And then I also have to tolerate the looser males that they sleep around with because such males seem to think that a woman is only there to fulfill their every wish. Most workplaces that I am working in are run like bordellos and I am tired of dealing with insecure little boys who can not get anything better than workplace prostitutes. I should not have to bother with such loosers but they repeatedly harass the women that they can not get to.

Whichever work I am going to do in the future is not going to be in a regular job anymore because the workplace conditions are getting worse and I do not want to find out how much worse they are getting, therefore the only acceptable way for me is to be an entrepreneur which will allow me to actually do positive work without being reliant on such loosers.

 

[lil_fighter]

I can relate. I pressured myself, telling myself I should stay on the course I'm doing. I told myself I need to do the masters because my dad who is very critical, will make a comment or put down if I don't. He'll tell me I'm getting closer to 30 and I "still don't have a Doctorate" and "how come?!"

Then today, I thought, "no more." The course was making me miserable and was so financially and emotionally demanding. The job prospects are not even guaranteed. I emailed the tutor and was very honest, she understood. I started looking up other courses that are more suitable to start in September. I know now I have time to get better and do what I want. I have job interviews coming (I walked out of a toxic work environment two months ago) and I feel so much more hopeful and relieved since leaving my course. I didn't realise how miserable I was. I don't care what my dad thinks. I don't care if people on my course don't understand my decision, I emailed the tutor and she will tell them tomorrow that I have moved on. I wished everyone well in the email and said I would stay in touch with people. Normally, I would feel inclined to go to class tomorrow just to say goodbye to people but I'm not doing it. It is pointless and my university is far from home so I would be making a journey in the evening just because I feel I have to. No, I'm not doing it. I need a break. I want to do something I enjoy and I have realised that my health is far more important than what anyone else thinks.

If you want to work in a kitchen, work in a kitchen and be happy doing it :tup: You're excited about it. It's obvious from the way you write about it compared to how you wrote about your internship that it is exactly what you need to do. Follow your dreams. Motivate and inspire other people like myself who are learning to be assertive and listen to their needs. :)

 

[Keen]

I don't feel like you are throwing anything away if you're doing what's best for you and what makes you happy. What's better, being a tenured professor but miserable or being a happy janitor? Our work isn't what defines us. Its how we take care of the people around us. Its hard to take very good care of the people around us if we're miserable or bogged down by mental health symptoms.
If people ask, just tell them "this is what I choose, this is what is best for me right now, this is what makes me happy and my best self."