I am new to this forum and have never participated in a forum of this nature. I again find myself struggling and was hoping that I could find some support from others who understand how it feels. I apologize in advance that this post will likely be very long and hopefully I will not jump around to much in telling my story.
I am 38 years old, I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression. My father was extremely abusive growing up and at the age of 11 my parents divorced. Once they divorced my mother got heavily involved in partying and abandoned me and my 2 younger siblings with my father - even though she knew how abusive he was. I am also the victim of sexual molestation - by my uncle and by a neighbor. I did not disclose the sexual abuse that occurred with my uncle until I was 17 years old and when I did disclose, my family essentially acted as if it never happened. To this day, this person is still present at all family functions and acts as if nothing ever happened. I just disclosed the molestation from the neighbor about 3 weeks ago - (this individual is now deceased). When I disclosed this information, my mother's reply was "Oh, no - did he do this to his own children too?" I was deeply hurt by this reaction but did not know what to say. I am a highly sensitive person and have always felt as if I have to everything possible to make people happy.
I have been married and divorced 3 times since the age of 17. I have been single for the past 2 years after leaving my ex husband who was emotionally abusive and a very angry man. Even though the 16 years that I spent with him were very negative I have found myself working very hard over the past month to "win him back". The sensible part of me says "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING" but the rest of me is terrified of change, is terrified of the unexpected and is again trying everything I can to make everyone happy and ok. The thought of him finding someone else makes me physically sick. When we first separated I found myself back in contact with my 2nd husband who I left because he cheated on me more times that I can remember. This lasted for about 3 months and then he cut off all contact (because come to find out he had a girlfriend when he was back in contact with me). I have not dated or even attempted to socialize since then. I blame myself for both of the failed relationships and always question why I am not good enough. I question why I cannot make things work. I have plenty of flaws, this I know - but I am a good person. I am a very dedicated parent, was faithful in my relationships, am not a substance abuser - although I did go through a brief period of drinking too much a few years ago. I am dedicated to my friends and to my family and would do just about anything for anyone.
Over the past year I have isolated myself and only participate in things that involve my children. I am currently unemployed - this is extremely odd for me since I have a college degree and have always had a great job.
I was in counseling 1-2 times a week for a period of 2 1/2 years in my early 20's. During that time I also did EMDR. I went for so many years feeling as if I was finally "better" - now I cry about everything and feel as if I am teetering on the edge. I realize that this may all be stemming from recently disclosing the sexual abuse from the neighbor and it being the 2 year anniversary of my ex-husband moving out. I feel as if I am paralyzed by fear and anxiety - some of my old behaviors are now back with a vengence (i.e., rocking, hair twirling, being way over sensitive about everything, over reactive startle reflex, etc).
As I said at the start of the post, I am just hoping to find others who can relate. I hate feeling like I am "crazy". I look forward to reading the posts of others in hopes that I can get back to where I need to be emotionally.
I am 38 years old, I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression. My father was extremely abusive growing up and at the age of 11 my parents divorced. Once they divorced my mother got heavily involved in partying and abandoned me and my 2 younger siblings with my father - even though she knew how abusive he was. I am also the victim of sexual molestation - by my uncle and by a neighbor. I did not disclose the sexual abuse that occurred with my uncle until I was 17 years old and when I did disclose, my family essentially acted as if it never happened. To this day, this person is still present at all family functions and acts as if nothing ever happened. I just disclosed the molestation from the neighbor about 3 weeks ago - (this individual is now deceased). When I disclosed this information, my mother's reply was "Oh, no - did he do this to his own children too?" I was deeply hurt by this reaction but did not know what to say. I am a highly sensitive person and have always felt as if I have to everything possible to make people happy.
I have been married and divorced 3 times since the age of 17. I have been single for the past 2 years after leaving my ex husband who was emotionally abusive and a very angry man. Even though the 16 years that I spent with him were very negative I have found myself working very hard over the past month to "win him back". The sensible part of me says "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING" but the rest of me is terrified of change, is terrified of the unexpected and is again trying everything I can to make everyone happy and ok. The thought of him finding someone else makes me physically sick. When we first separated I found myself back in contact with my 2nd husband who I left because he cheated on me more times that I can remember. This lasted for about 3 months and then he cut off all contact (because come to find out he had a girlfriend when he was back in contact with me). I have not dated or even attempted to socialize since then. I blame myself for both of the failed relationships and always question why I am not good enough. I question why I cannot make things work. I have plenty of flaws, this I know - but I am a good person. I am a very dedicated parent, was faithful in my relationships, am not a substance abuser - although I did go through a brief period of drinking too much a few years ago. I am dedicated to my friends and to my family and would do just about anything for anyone.
Over the past year I have isolated myself and only participate in things that involve my children. I am currently unemployed - this is extremely odd for me since I have a college degree and have always had a great job.
I was in counseling 1-2 times a week for a period of 2 1/2 years in my early 20's. During that time I also did EMDR. I went for so many years feeling as if I was finally "better" - now I cry about everything and feel as if I am teetering on the edge. I realize that this may all be stemming from recently disclosing the sexual abuse from the neighbor and it being the 2 year anniversary of my ex-husband moving out. I feel as if I am paralyzed by fear and anxiety - some of my old behaviors are now back with a vengence (i.e., rocking, hair twirling, being way over sensitive about everything, over reactive startle reflex, etc).
As I said at the start of the post, I am just hoping to find others who can relate. I hate feeling like I am "crazy". I look forward to reading the posts of others in hopes that I can get back to where I need to be emotionally.
