SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I am not sure what happened to me. It's weird. It's like reliving the same episode of a TV show.
When I was diagnosed I was in a relationship that consequentially broke up. I was working online and at the very same week I was left without work without warning. It was his apartment we were living in so I needed a new place. The one good thing was that at some point I wanted to have 'an office' and had rented this one room apartment with bathroom and a resemblence of a kitchen in a hallway. It didn't have an oven, just stovetop and a mictowave, and a mini fridge. Still, it was enough, it had all the basics. Three days later I moved in and realised everything I'd known had changed. And that whilst we were licing together, all the apartment stuff belonged to his family, which left me lacking dishes, sheets, blankets. And I forgot to mention, I got PTSD abroad, and years later moved to a country next to mine, for that guy. So I didn't have family there.
But, I had spent 5 years building a life there. And I was born stubborn.
Wasn't going to let that get me down. Except that I was super depressed, but didn't realise that yet.
2 more address changes later, 3 ankle sprains, pandemic, 2 roommates, relationships, job trouble after trouble... I feel like I am sleepwalking through it.
Like after the really tough beginning I grew a LOT in some ways... but in others, in work, in getting in shape, in having all the clothes I need, I am reliving the same thing over and over.
And OVER. It's like I never moved forward from wanting to have an online shop and more clients, or get a local job. I start diets and regimes and they don't stick and you would think- well so do so many people. But...
I go to ballet. I used to have iron discipline. When I got PTSD I was a mess, but I still finished my last university year. And I was in maybe the best shape I've been.
Right before the relationship broke I was starting therapy for a first time, private, weekly. Every part of my life was improving, except my relationship.
And breaking up broke me. I am in THE relationship finally, I think, but...that break up broke me, I thought he was the guy. It wasn't anyone's fault. I was still making my way through the PTSD bubble and relearning how to live, and he wasn't ready for that. None of us yet knew what I needed yet.
I learned A LOT in the following years, at first out of necessity. I was a foreigner, on my own, with no home items that I needed, still building my social circle and broke.,
Now I got the calling people, errands, parties, dates, groups, language down.That first year I had weeks where my weekly budget for food was what was enough for daily budget. I reused coffee so much it was more like water. I lived on rice, popcorn (made at home from actual corn)., and occasional apple. I walked to places 90min in one direction daily because I couldnpay bus. I lived. I refused to admit how I was doing to people. I was too depressed to work and counting food 3 dayd as a time, but God forbid I admit that reality, And that all still feels like some weird dream. But I did it. All the things that were scary. But in some ways I am STUCK. It's like I never organized my files on my computer and if I have to move to a new laptop I move the old files in 'ORGANIZE' folder and never get to it. And then the folder plus all the new folders moves to the next laptop. I stopped organizing and downloading my pictures. I lost and gained weight and jobs so much my wardrobe is a mish-mash of gifts, clothes from friends, clothes in bigger and smaller sizes and none fitting my life now. The only sheets I did buy were bought for a previous apartment and don't fit. A lot of kitchen stuff didn't survive the depression periods so I still usually have only some of the things I need at a time. I have learned a lot about organization and repairs, half the time I'm the organization queen and my apartment is spotless and half the time it looks like episode of horders. I may or may not have thyroid issues or something else, but yet again I do not have the insurance to find out.
It's like I have so many people that care about me now and I want to be better.
But a part of me is still broken and stuck, It's like I never woke up from that breakup, like my reality was so set then and everything since is like a dream I'm about to wake up from.
Jobs, diets, any change I attempt to make sticks for a few months and breaks apart again. Can you be traumatized from a breakup that wasn't abusive relationship?
Or by being broke?
HOW do I start feeling like I am the age I am again and sort out repetative issues like an adult?
How do I wake up? Any apartment I live in continues to look like I just moved in half the time, I am chasing jobs again, I gained weirght again. I don't know.... I want to move out of this apartment but I can't until I pay off my rent debt. I feel surreal here as I have in the 2 previous places. And pills or no pills I'm still scared to go to bed without watching something in bed. I'm just... in many ways socially I am doing so much better than in that long relationship, but in so many ways... how do I wake up? It's like I'm not brave enough to feel present or look at myself in the mirror and take a shot at NOT disappointing myself for a change when it comes to work. I was scared to apply when I was younger and better looking and had less history gaps to explain and now I am SO LOST.
How do I wake up? Why does this keep feeling like that? Like I never moved forward even though I moved forward?
Like I take some steps and got stuck forever on others?
When I was diagnosed I was in a relationship that consequentially broke up. I was working online and at the very same week I was left without work without warning. It was his apartment we were living in so I needed a new place. The one good thing was that at some point I wanted to have 'an office' and had rented this one room apartment with bathroom and a resemblence of a kitchen in a hallway. It didn't have an oven, just stovetop and a mictowave, and a mini fridge. Still, it was enough, it had all the basics. Three days later I moved in and realised everything I'd known had changed. And that whilst we were licing together, all the apartment stuff belonged to his family, which left me lacking dishes, sheets, blankets. And I forgot to mention, I got PTSD abroad, and years later moved to a country next to mine, for that guy. So I didn't have family there.
But, I had spent 5 years building a life there. And I was born stubborn.
Wasn't going to let that get me down. Except that I was super depressed, but didn't realise that yet.
2 more address changes later, 3 ankle sprains, pandemic, 2 roommates, relationships, job trouble after trouble... I feel like I am sleepwalking through it.
Like after the really tough beginning I grew a LOT in some ways... but in others, in work, in getting in shape, in having all the clothes I need, I am reliving the same thing over and over.
And OVER. It's like I never moved forward from wanting to have an online shop and more clients, or get a local job. I start diets and regimes and they don't stick and you would think- well so do so many people. But...
I go to ballet. I used to have iron discipline. When I got PTSD I was a mess, but I still finished my last university year. And I was in maybe the best shape I've been.
Right before the relationship broke I was starting therapy for a first time, private, weekly. Every part of my life was improving, except my relationship.
And breaking up broke me. I am in THE relationship finally, I think, but...that break up broke me, I thought he was the guy. It wasn't anyone's fault. I was still making my way through the PTSD bubble and relearning how to live, and he wasn't ready for that. None of us yet knew what I needed yet.
I learned A LOT in the following years, at first out of necessity. I was a foreigner, on my own, with no home items that I needed, still building my social circle and broke.,
Now I got the calling people, errands, parties, dates, groups, language down.That first year I had weeks where my weekly budget for food was what was enough for daily budget. I reused coffee so much it was more like water. I lived on rice, popcorn (made at home from actual corn)., and occasional apple. I walked to places 90min in one direction daily because I couldnpay bus. I lived. I refused to admit how I was doing to people. I was too depressed to work and counting food 3 dayd as a time, but God forbid I admit that reality, And that all still feels like some weird dream. But I did it. All the things that were scary. But in some ways I am STUCK. It's like I never organized my files on my computer and if I have to move to a new laptop I move the old files in 'ORGANIZE' folder and never get to it. And then the folder plus all the new folders moves to the next laptop. I stopped organizing and downloading my pictures. I lost and gained weight and jobs so much my wardrobe is a mish-mash of gifts, clothes from friends, clothes in bigger and smaller sizes and none fitting my life now. The only sheets I did buy were bought for a previous apartment and don't fit. A lot of kitchen stuff didn't survive the depression periods so I still usually have only some of the things I need at a time. I have learned a lot about organization and repairs, half the time I'm the organization queen and my apartment is spotless and half the time it looks like episode of horders. I may or may not have thyroid issues or something else, but yet again I do not have the insurance to find out.
It's like I have so many people that care about me now and I want to be better.
But a part of me is still broken and stuck, It's like I never woke up from that breakup, like my reality was so set then and everything since is like a dream I'm about to wake up from.
Jobs, diets, any change I attempt to make sticks for a few months and breaks apart again. Can you be traumatized from a breakup that wasn't abusive relationship?
Or by being broke?
HOW do I start feeling like I am the age I am again and sort out repetative issues like an adult?
How do I wake up? Any apartment I live in continues to look like I just moved in half the time, I am chasing jobs again, I gained weirght again. I don't know.... I want to move out of this apartment but I can't until I pay off my rent debt. I feel surreal here as I have in the 2 previous places. And pills or no pills I'm still scared to go to bed without watching something in bed. I'm just... in many ways socially I am doing so much better than in that long relationship, but in so many ways... how do I wake up? It's like I'm not brave enough to feel present or look at myself in the mirror and take a shot at NOT disappointing myself for a change when it comes to work. I was scared to apply when I was younger and better looking and had less history gaps to explain and now I am SO LOST.
How do I wake up? Why does this keep feeling like that? Like I never moved forward even though I moved forward?
Like I take some steps and got stuck forever on others?
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