goosegoose
Confident
Apologies if this has been discussed before
I've been trying to engage in DBT for the last 6 ish months, with "little to no progress" as my T just said today. I partly disagree, because I've really been practicing taking full breaths through out the day, I haven't self harmed at all, and I've even noticed that when I rub my tongue over my teeth - I'm about to split (borderline) and I've even been working on stopping that behavior all together with good progress. I do all my homework like a good noodle but I really struggle to share it with her in session.
Regardless, my T doesn't see much improvement and is questioning her ethical obligations. I've been trying to explain to her that I take a ridiculous amount of time to open up, move forward, etc, but she's really wanting me to consider EMDR. I sarcastically said "what, and then come back to you in 5 years?" and she made it clear that she thought it would take way less time than that for me which is...just not factual in any facet of my life. And that was kind of discouraging to hear from her, too? Like, she doesn't get how I would literally be dragging myself back into the pits of hell, with no end in sight. And then what if she's not even a T by the time I'm through enough EMDR to try DBT with her again? Or her schedule is too full to take me back? That in itself would be hurtful, too, like failing before I even had a chance.
This is where help is needed - if I'm gonna consider EMDR, she said I need to "buy into it" for it to work in the first place. I'm so skeptical. I also don't understand what to do during the "Free Association" phase. I totally understand what it is in theory, but when I try to emulate that myself I feel like a fish out of water. Like I'm just sitting there looking around the room like "um...am I supposed to be feeling or thinking things right now?" It's like my mind and body is just blank with a little fly buzzing around.
I've also tried it with a previous T and we never got anywhere. I'm pretty sure it was because I was in crisis everytime we tried, but it's really painted EMDR in a bad light for me.
Another fear would be how bad it could potentially get, as I'm really not good at coping/grounding. I really struggle to even practice it, and even more difficult for it to stick long term. I'm not confident in myself at all.
I don't want to leave this current T because I know we would be a good match if I could let my f*cking defenses down. But at the same time, like she said, "if it's this raw all the time, DBT will get us nowhere." She also keeps reminding me that this therapy is about me, for me, etc. and that's such a difficult concept for me to grasp, that I matter in any way enough to be cared for emotionally. I'm pretty sure it stems from being abused for child labor/extreme neglect/ etc etc etc.
I'm just really frustrated and at my limit and I've hit a brick wall that feels like it's reinforced by like a mile of steel rebar. I'm not meeting her again until March 1st, so I have more time to toss the idea around. I'm really really really trying to be emotionally flexible. I want to explore any avenue possible if it means relief, I'm tired of being so stagnant but I'm also so terrified.
Thanks in advance
I've been trying to engage in DBT for the last 6 ish months, with "little to no progress" as my T just said today. I partly disagree, because I've really been practicing taking full breaths through out the day, I haven't self harmed at all, and I've even noticed that when I rub my tongue over my teeth - I'm about to split (borderline) and I've even been working on stopping that behavior all together with good progress. I do all my homework like a good noodle but I really struggle to share it with her in session.
Regardless, my T doesn't see much improvement and is questioning her ethical obligations. I've been trying to explain to her that I take a ridiculous amount of time to open up, move forward, etc, but she's really wanting me to consider EMDR. I sarcastically said "what, and then come back to you in 5 years?" and she made it clear that she thought it would take way less time than that for me which is...just not factual in any facet of my life. And that was kind of discouraging to hear from her, too? Like, she doesn't get how I would literally be dragging myself back into the pits of hell, with no end in sight. And then what if she's not even a T by the time I'm through enough EMDR to try DBT with her again? Or her schedule is too full to take me back? That in itself would be hurtful, too, like failing before I even had a chance.
This is where help is needed - if I'm gonna consider EMDR, she said I need to "buy into it" for it to work in the first place. I'm so skeptical. I also don't understand what to do during the "Free Association" phase. I totally understand what it is in theory, but when I try to emulate that myself I feel like a fish out of water. Like I'm just sitting there looking around the room like "um...am I supposed to be feeling or thinking things right now?" It's like my mind and body is just blank with a little fly buzzing around.
I've also tried it with a previous T and we never got anywhere. I'm pretty sure it was because I was in crisis everytime we tried, but it's really painted EMDR in a bad light for me.
Another fear would be how bad it could potentially get, as I'm really not good at coping/grounding. I really struggle to even practice it, and even more difficult for it to stick long term. I'm not confident in myself at all.
I don't want to leave this current T because I know we would be a good match if I could let my f*cking defenses down. But at the same time, like she said, "if it's this raw all the time, DBT will get us nowhere." She also keeps reminding me that this therapy is about me, for me, etc. and that's such a difficult concept for me to grasp, that I matter in any way enough to be cared for emotionally. I'm pretty sure it stems from being abused for child labor/extreme neglect/ etc etc etc.
I'm just really frustrated and at my limit and I've hit a brick wall that feels like it's reinforced by like a mile of steel rebar. I'm not meeting her again until March 1st, so I have more time to toss the idea around. I'm really really really trying to be emotionally flexible. I want to explore any avenue possible if it means relief, I'm tired of being so stagnant but I'm also so terrified.
Thanks in advance