Diagnostic Panic That Doesn't Make Sense

[Sideways]

This is exactly why I'm afraid I'm just making it all up.

If you think this through, take a breath, try to get on top of the panic...

How do you make up memory lapses? Genuine question.

If you were making it up, then sought out the diagnosis, how come it fits so well? How is it that what you apparently spontaneously started making up, happened to be perfectly described as DID? If you were making it up, how did you know what symptoms to make up?

Thing is, I know what you're talking about. What you're describing? I've been there. I've put myself through that ringer. And for a long time, I decided that either I was making it up, or I was just plain crazy.

Take a step back from it maybe. Stop thinking in terms of diagnosis, and try to focus on: what's happening for me? What is my experience? And what parts of that experience do I need help with? That's the stuff you focus on.

Because at the end of the day, this doc telling you "Not DID", is not telling you "No problem here". They're saying they don't fit what you're describing with the diagnostic criteria, which is a very methodical, tick the boxes approach. What you need to move forward with is not the diagnosis itself, but what is happening for you.

Take it easy on yourself. Unknowns are confusing and scary, but this is NOT a doc telling you that you're making it up. Not at all. Not even remotely.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@joeylittle I see her early next week.

How do you make up memory lapses? Genuine question.

I'm not sure. But I also know that I don't feel like anything in my history really fits me. Like, I just can't remember things and they feel like they didn't happen to me. So who knows.

I think, after some reflection while washing dishes, the problem isn't the diagnosis. It's why, over and over and over again, this statement (that I'm not DID) unhinges me in a really serious and scary way.

 

[aut555]

And yeah, when he told me I didn't have it, it was the beginning of the end. I ended up with a...

Omg, you are so right on the money. I had a therapist tell me l made up my childhood molestion. Ya, right. Therapists are a mixed bag, and l am proactive in my recovery.

 

[Maud]

Hey theshadowoftheliving, I am going to tell you a little bit about my story to give you a sense of how uncovering dissociation can feel but I need to tell you two important things. First, trust yourself you know more than you think you do(I actually have this on a magnet! snort) The second is that this sounds like a trigger right off the bat. It is very possible that you have a deep conflict over becoming aware of your own dissociation. I have been integrating for 25 years. There is a tremendous shock when you actually decompensate to the point you remember dissociating or just being co-concious. And I have done it three times.

I have only truly learned the names and personalities of most of my alters in recent years. The only one I knew prior was known as an imaginary friend when I was a child. I investigated my past early on by going to a previous coworker and a dormmate who had witnessed me in an altered state using another name and associating with people I didn't know in my presenting state. One of my alters was told that if I ever remembered I would go crazy and kill myself. I didn't and I haven't.

Even with this proof I was still in a state of denial. My psychologist at the time did not put DID on my records because I had an abusive husband and had to fight for custody of our daughter. But she believed me. She would've looked a fool after all I had done to find out about my past. Do not let a mental health professional define you. She may be teachable or she may have her own issues that make it difficult for her face what children actually go through.

I put integration on hold during my daughters young years. But then started again. I thought I was crazy too. I thought I was overly dramatic. But I wasn't. I could talk more but I do not want to trigger anyone too much. But yes, the denial of your budding awareness of dissociation is a trigger. It would be for me too.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

The second is that this sounds like a trigger right off the bat. It is very possible that you have a deep conflict over becoming aware of your own dissociation. I have been integrating for 25 years. There is a tremendous shock when you actually decompensate to the point you remember dissociating or just being co-concious. And I have done it three times.

It definitely is a trigger, but I'm nervous to assume that the dissociation is related to alters. What if I'm making it up? And how do I know what is happening if I don't know what is happening?

 

[Sideways]

Let's say, for arguments sake, that it's not DID. We can agree that it's dissociation somewhere on the spectrum, yeah? So, alters or not, you're dissociating, your brain is operating from a different headquarters, a different room in your mind than you ordinarily operate from. That's basically what's happening when a person dissociates, regardless of how high up the spectrum you've gone.

The problems that you need to deal with are much the same as those of DID: you have large chunks of memory loss, you are unaware of what you're saying and doing in those periods, and you aren't sure how to get in control again during those periods. You also have a vigorous internal dialogue going on which may or may not be DID, but even if it's not, you need to start engaging in, and getting in control of, that internal dialogue.

With or without the certainty of the label (and it seems youoof 2 minds whether you even want the label, which I completely understand!), the issues that you need to deal with are the same.

When looking at your T and whether they can help, the question is "Can they help me with these issues?" It may be that they can, hopefully they can. You don't need the label to get help with those.

But (and it's a big one): IF your T can't help you with these issues because they haven't given you (or don't accept) the DID label, then you have a problem. This is where I got to. I could've stuck with my original DID Doesn't Exist doc if he'd been able to help me with what I was experiencing. But in denying me the diagnosis, he also went further and denied that this is what I was experiencing. With any mental health issue, your T needs to be able to assist you with your experience, regardless of what labels they apply.

 

[Maud]

Let's say, for arguments sake, that it's not DID. We can agree that it's dissociation somewhere...

Excellent, Excellent Ragdoll. You put that into words perfectly. Thank You! You helped me and I wasn't even looking for it.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

The problems that you need to deal with are much the same as those of DID: you have large chunks of memory loss, you are unaware of what you're saying and doing in those periods, and you aren't sure how to get in control again during those periods. You also have a vigorous internal dialogue going on which may or may not be DID, but even if it's not, you need to start engaging in, and getting in control of, that internal dialogue.

Thank you for putting this into clear language. I struggle to know what I even need to deal with - I have no baseline, no "before" to compare things to. This is how I've always operated. This is how I've always lived. Naming it as a problem to be fixed is difficult sometimes because people often don't believe me, especially because I appear to be so high functioning.

But (and it's a big one): IF your T can't help you with these issues because they haven't given you (or don't accept) the DID label, then you have a problem. This is where I got to. I could've stuck with my original DID Doesn't Exist doc if he'd been able to help me with what I was experiencing. But in denying me the diagnosis, he also went further and denied that this is what I was experiencing. With any mental health issue, your T needs to be able to assist you with your experience, regardless of what labels they apply.

I don't think I know her well enough to know this yet. Plus, just to make it harder, I only remember some of each session we've had together, so I feel even though I've seen her for a month now, I still have absolutely nothing to judge her on. I don't want to make the judgement to run away too soon, but I also don't want to find myself in a relationship that isn't helping six months from now.

I hate this confusion.

 

[Sideways]

That sounds pretty sensible to me.

When you are ready, don't feel like you need to make a big song and dance about it. One day, when you're ready, drop in something like, "Had one of those memory lapses again, and it was a problem because..." See how she responds.

Right now, let her help you find your feet again. It makes perfect sense that this has thrown you for six, so bring it back down to manageable:)

And we're always here if you just need people who get it around you.

 

[sun seeker]

Haven't finished reading all this yet, so forgive me if someone has already said this, but I believe I read somewhere that the average person diagnosed with DID goes through seven other diagnoses before arriving at that one. Or was it that it takes seven years to get a diagnosis? Seven something. God, my memory these days... Anyway, the point is it's not unusual to know something is wrong and they're not diagnosing you right. You might have to keep at it for a while.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, @Ragdoll Circus I'm trying to just reset and not do anythign crazy. Trying to remember that there isn't a rush to figure everything out, but I also want this all to be solved a year or ten ago.

@sun seeker I think it is both seven years and seven diagnoses. I'm over the seven year mark ad working with two current and three past diagnoses. So, I'm almost there. Not sure what that says about me ....

 

[sun seeker]

Not sure what that says about me ....

That you're better than average? ;) (Just trying to help.)