DID Did - content yet so lonely

[Punky143]

As if having major depressive d/o, GAD, PTSD, and Borderline personality wasn't enough, add Dissociative identity d/o NOs. I am one of those people who grew up thinking everyone had different parts. Yes, I know the average dissociates but I'm not talking about that version. So, thanks to a few more recent traumas, I lost control in a sense. The dissociation or the switching we like to call it, grew larger and louder. Certain topics brought different parts out that my T noticed. So, all along I've lived with DID and thought it was normal- I guess its my normal. So, to answer the obvious question that someone will ask, I get it, its just a diagnosis, shouldn't change anything. Yup, I get it but don't feel that way. Just when we want to accept it, someone or something will trigger something then they switch to societies norm. It's trying like hell to move forward only to get slammed backwards all the time. This is pure torture despite any positives. I have very few friends, I trust very little, we isolate because it's easier and the parts can talk out loud, we've lost friends, work feels like punishment and the young parts are so confused, people stare at us or ask us who we're talking to, we have amnesia, we're embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, alone, scared, confused, very angry, throw things, punch objects, unpredictable, and at this point, after 10 years of counseling, DBT class twice, medication, hospitalized 2x- this has and most likely be my life. There's baseline periods and then something happens triggering something then the decline. Over the last 2 years I have not been back to baseline. Efforts are made but constant chaos prevailed. I can't find anyone at work who can help advocate for me and have tried but its as if my personnel file tells people them to stay away. I have no time therefore my appt days are now w/o pay. Our expenses at home are behind and often get shut off. In reality, I need a second job. But thats impossible with how I am. My marriage has suffered greatly and my husband having issues himself but refuses help, walks on eggshells. My child is constantly annoyed by me because of the switching.
I know, this is all negative and its not the point or intension. More so, what do I do? I'm 38 chronologically but most days function much younger and I need help and guidance in between sessions. Does that even exist? Anyone out there function similarly?

 

[Stitchin]

Is there any chance you could get on disability? It might help the finances some, and take the pressure off abit.
I am not officially diagnosed with DID but struggle very much with dissociation and a lower functioning level. Before I had disability I was in constant chaos, but now I don't have to work much and can focus more on basic self care like shopping for toilet paper and tidying up my house.
I have never been at base line for long.
It's extremely challenging and I can relate to much of what you're saying.
I wish I could help more
(Hugs)

 

[Russell2017]

Yes I do. You feel like a lone fighter on a never ending battlefield, dieing a never ending number of times. The harder you fight and the more effort you put into trying to survive, the more you have to fight like if in doing so you only get the same effect as throwing grenades at yourself. The more you do not fight to survive, the more of the same effect. Something like sinking in quicksand made of raw sewage. Whatever you do or don't do is still complete and total bullshit.

 

[Mach123]

Being here and writing this and responding to someone else has been really helping me. I couldn't do it for years and I hated when people would say that. For me it's the writing. They say it is so helpful and I have to admit the last few weeks or month it has been. It is a long time between therapy sessions. Four or five years only an hour a week. I went to one "live" event where there were other trauma people. It was a live body work seminar I don't know if I can post the guys website because anything you post now gets a copyright warning from the mods. Yes, we are facing displacement from where we are living with our handicapped daughters for whom we provide adult foster care. We have enough to live on but our credit is non existent and we are going to have to try and buy the house we have been renting for six years. The bank who owns it won't talk about giving us a mortgage at least that's what they are saying now. We will see. We have been tenants at will here all that time and we knew the land lady was scamming us and pocketing the rent and not paying the mortgage but were told there was nothing we could do. Rents are crazy high and a mortgage would be much cheaper but we don't want to move of course. So I understand the stress and loneliness but my symptomatic behavior is at a level that is much easier to manage and I have my wife and I really feel safe when I am with her. So, if you can, keep reading and writing. I am going through some kind of something, shift or growth spurt or something. IDK I was very emotional today, I was thinking back about my both my traumas and I was talking with my wife about it and I started crying and then I was driving and I started crying, not a lot but tearing up you know, very emotional, IDK where it's coming from, but I think it's positive. It actually feels good! I hope you feel better!

 

[whiteraven]

I/we went through years of this destabilization. Up and down, lost a couple of jobs, were in constant turmoil. It finally quieted down to the point where I have been functioning without the constant interference of screaming and crying and angry insiders for maybe...4 years? Not sure. I'm not saying I'm happy (I'm not), or even stable in that living-life-as-I'd-like-to-be (definitely not), but the chaos I was in all the time with my insiders is no longer an issue. If I were dealing with that now, on top of everything else, I'd likely not be sitting here writing this. It's crazymaking.

For me, it was finding a way to build cooperation between everyone because they were not getting their needs met. Also, the therapy I was doing at the time I discovered was simply too destabilizing for us, so I switched to something and someone that worked better. It truly made a life changing (and saving) difference.

Wishing you peace.