Did you ever try to go back to work?

[Stephernovas]

Have any of you suffered a trauma and developed PTSD that prevented you from working/had a workplace trauma? If so, did you attempt to return to work? How did it go? If you were deemed unable to work, how long did you try for?

My therapist is very fixated on the exposure aspect of my therapy rn and today she stated we needed to start talking about returning to work because she believes it will help me (I’ve seemingly hit a “plateau”). Keep in mind I also have physical symptoms from the motor-vehicle accident that have yet to resolve as well (concussion/whiplash and low back/hip issues).

It’s not that I’m avoiding work like the plague or anything, even though I know I will be triggered and struggle. My question is around how long did you force exposure before you were deemed unable to work at all?

I keep getting sent for assessments and tests of various kinds (medical, rehab, and etc), and each time I am so easily/badly triggered that I become horribly ill with severe PTSD/panic symptoms that last forever. I have had almost every report come back with statements like:

“While waiting in the lobby, (the client) appeared so visibly unwell that she was approached by the security guard who asked if she was “okay”. Her symptoms developed to a magnitude that the security guard offered to call for an ambulance that was declined as this therapist assisted (the client) through a panic attack.”

“Her symptoms were of a magnitude that contraindicated acting as a driver for the on-road portion of the assessment”

“Due to severity of anxiety symptoms, and reduced mental and physical tolerances to operate a vehicle (the client) does not yet present as an immediate candidate for our program”

I’m not happy about it, but I’m not opposed to considering things about work/things I can tolerate - gently. When my therapist brought up simply conversing about it today, I didn’t shut her down like I usually do. I said “sure”, even though I almost immediately became symptomatic (nausea, wooziness, increased anxiety and etc). I held it together for a bit but then she asked me a simple question about another topic (why I attended the office while she was out of town), and I got lightheaded, started crying but eventually managed to tell her it was because things were becoming too much for me to tolerate.

Before I agree to go any further with this stuff, I’m hoping for some enlightenment on boundary setting. I’m scared I’ll be sent to indefinitely struggle, and worker’s comp and whomever else will keep pushing me (beyond what I’m capable of now) in the name of exposure.

Any helpful thoughts/tips?

 

[EveHarrington]

I can’t answer your questions, but I’m concerned that you’re being pushed too far, too fast.

In my way of thinking, I’d work on becoming stable with everything else, general functioning, etc, and then attempt the work exposure.

Of course I don’t have a workplace trauma so I may be way off here.

 

[Stephernovas]

I can’t answer your questions, but I’m concerned that you’re being pushed too far, too fast.

In my way of thinking, I’d work on becoming stable with everything else, general functioning, etc, and then attempt the work exposure.

Of course I don’t have a workplace trauma so I may be way off here.

That’s exactly my mindset. Because I don’t have an objective perspective on this I fear I’m going to be viewed as resistance and that I simply don’t want to comply. That’s why I get so confused with them pushing me when I’m still responding with severe levels of anxiety 1.5 years post- crash. I have one more session booked with current therapist and am seriously considering a switch. I’m sure she’s a nice person but one day she seemed to decide I’m recovering too slowly for her liking or whatever :(

 

[Friday]

Have any of you suffered a trauma and developed PTSD that prevented you from working/had a workplace trauma?

Yep & Yep. 2 different ways. My work was trauma, pretty much by definition (combat & SAR & schtuff), and then there were some unrelated traumas at work (like rape, MVAs, etc.)

If so, did you attempt to return to work? How did it go? If you were deemed unable to work, how long did you try for?

For sure. How it went varied, an awful lot. Some jobs were fantastic, others... weren’t. The single biggest change from before/after is that I shifted from career to gig-work for several years. That actually worked out rather well, both from my point of view then-ish, and now. I worked when I could, I didn’t when I couldn’t. After I’d largely unf*cked my head/ my life... I was going to school for a new career (apx 8 years of 12) when I got thumped with being too symptomatic to tie my shoes :rolleyes: Gah. So I’m back to trying to piece things, again.

My question is around how long did you force exposure before you were deemed unable to work at all?

No one ever deemed me unable to work, per se. When I couldn’t work I did various versions of the homeless thing, instead.

I’ve never quit trying to work, full stop, but rather took breaks. Sometimes those breaks have lasted weeks & months. Sometimes I had money put aside, sometimes I didn’t, sometimes it didn’t matter how much money I had put aside, I wasn’t functional enough to spend it. So, sometimes the short breaks I lost everything, sometimes I didn’t. And Sometimes those breaks lasted years. Never had that much money put aside. :p Yes, that means that sometimes I’ve spent a couple few years homeless or winging it.

The thing is, for me, if I’m not able to work? I’m rarely able to do anything else, either. If I’m capable of seeking help? I’m also capable of working. At which point I don’t need help. So it’s a bit of a catch22.

Of course, the upside is that one of the nice things about no one telling me what I can or cannot do? Means I just keep trying. Sooner or later I catch a toehold. Ideally? The sooner the better. And if it’s been awhile, the first handful of jobs I work I’ve learned to consider ‘burner jobs’. Meaning I expect to be fired, probably fairly early on, whilst I relearn how to do the work-thing, as I am at that time. Shrug.

Out of the past 20 years... I probably haven’t worked at all for 5 or 6 of them? Intermittently for about the same.

 

[ILoveLife]

Not work related trauma, but was deemed unfit to work due to consequences of trauma. I too thrive better working than not.

I did expose myself to work and it paid off more than the harm it did.
Last PTSD flare I was thinking I was disfunctional turns out I did my job perfectly as I was told recently. So, I see it separated, work is actually benefitial for trauma work and I think that's what your T is trying to get at.

Seems like you're a bit resitant to the idea though, so I wouldn't be going back to work if I didn't feel or think I could do it, or both.

Maybe you should figure out your resistance, or resitance to disclose the real reason behind the resistance.
Is it avoidance, fear of not being able to perform or are you truly on the mindset that you're not fit for the job in question?

 

[Stephernovas]

Seems like you're a bit resitant to the idea though, so I wouldn't be going back to work if I didn't feel or think I could do it, or both.

The best answer I can muster towards this is that it’s because I hate being a disappointment. I mean I just woke up and I’m in pretty rough shape (sore, headaches, numbness, and etc). I know my tolerance level is very, very low. Unless I have some sort of amazing support team who truly listens to me 24/7, I’m eventually going to piss someone off - be it a screw up of forgetting or mixing something up, being unable to do the majority of tasks so they end up feeling I’m not pulling my weigh (because externally I “look” normal), or I can’t come in most days because of headaches/ feeling so ill.

With my personality I will get frustrated and try to push myself beyond what I can do. I don’t think that’s fair to put on myself when I’m already simply waking up in rough shape. I don’t want the added grief I’ll give myself as being useless, then slowly fend off co-workers who think/treat me the same, until ultimately I get fired/let go because I can’t hack it. I don’t want to experience the rejection, embarrassment, abandonment and shame towards myself for I didn’t take better care of myself.

If I work again I want it to be meaningful. Growing up I watched my parents give up and do the minimum and take opioids for my entire childhood. My dad legit was injured on the job and I’m not really sure what happened with mom. I spent my life trying to make something of myself because of how awfully my mom viewed me (yet she was a huge hypocrite bc she did nothing), and became an exceptionally hard worker. Everyone I knew always cpmmented about how I’d overload my plate. I took pride in being productive, wanted, and effective. Now, my abilities are back in the hands of others to accept me as I am or not. I no longer can sweeten the deal of keeping me around by being a ridiculously hard worker. In fact it’s quite the opposite - it will probably be more of a chore for the employer to accept and keep me due to my required accommodations. I’m not too keen on trying to battle through all that AND my constant symptoms that make me feel a million times worse everyday.

The end.

 

[Abstract]

Yes, periodically.

Work was not my trauma but a work situation caused a breakdown and was the stressor that made the other stuff start to come out of pandoras box. Then a therapy situation opened the rest of it. Or they at least forced me to see what had already been happening.

The first time I tried to come back I was intensely determined to work and do it. I remember the first day barely being able to stand, shaking in the way that is visible from the other side of the room with the stench of fear coming off me. That was the most embarrassing part. It filled the whole room and there was nothing I could do to hide it. : ( Not sure what they thought of me.

Second time around I approached it in a less perfectionistic way and was determined to try to stop the crash burn cycle. I looked at what aspects of my work was triggering or stressing. I made a slight career shift. I tried to remove as many of the stressors and triggers out of my work life as possible and scheduled in breaks. I made myself rest periodically. It helped a huge huge amount and allowed me to work a fair amount even though in retrospect I was pretty symptomatic at the time. I started off a few hours a week and took it from there. There is no way I could have coped with going back into a "normal" job environment. Would have been fired straight away.

A had a couple of times after that and used the same approach.

Pluses are it gives me some structure, identity stuff, and a source of esteem support as well as distraction. Also "safe" human contact. Minuses are obvious. A strain, hiding symptoms, trying to manage them and the demands, feeling guilty for not being more functional/doing better etc.

What are your feelings about potential positives and negatives for you? Is there a way you could do something way less demanding?

 

[Stephernovas]

Yes, periodically.

Work was not my trauma but a work situation caused a breakdown and was the stressor that made the other stuff start to come out of pandoras box. Then a therapy situation opened the rest of it. Or they at least forced me to see what had already been happening.

The first time I tried to come back I was intensely determined to work and do it. I remember the first day barely being able to stand, shaking in the way that is visible from the other side of the room with the stench of fear coming off me. That was the most embarrassing part. It filled the whole room and there was nothing I could do to hide it. : ( Not sure what they thought of me.

Second time around I approached it in a less perfectionistic way and was determined to try to stop the crash burn cycle. I looked at what aspects of my work was triggering or stressing. I made a slight career shift. I tried to remove as many of the stressors and triggers out of my work life as possible and scheduled in breaks. I made myself rest periodically. It helped a huge huge amount and allowed me to work a fair amount even though in retrospect I was pretty symptomatic at the time. I started off a few hours a week and took it from there. There is no way I could have coped with going back into a "normal" job environment. Would have been fired straight away.

A had a couple of times after that and used the same approach.

Pluses are it gives me some structure, identity stuff, and a source of esteem support as well as distraction. Also "safe" human contact. Minuses are obvious. A strain, hiding symptoms, trying to manage them and the demands, feeling guilty for not being more functional/doing better etc.

What are your feelings about potential positives and negatives for you? Is there a way you could do something way less demanding?

That’s the worrisome part - it’s up to the employer. And then I factor in concern about being paid the amount I used to for MUCH less work. I internally would be in constant fear of them cutting me off bc I am not performing enough to be deserving of that amount. Furthermore, what if I get bad concussive or light headedness symptoms while holding a newborn? (Side note: part of my job was to take care of newborns in the nicu or paeds as they withdrawal from being born addicted/other medical reasons). What if I miss something or drop them? What safety measures are there to protect them from me when I am not able to perform 100%. Aside from me doing boring scanning or file sorting that’s one of the least demanding things I can think of. AND, that’s not even a constant thing. Sometimes we have gaps where there are no babies in hospital. Oh and then on top of that in some cases bio-family and foster parents come in and visit baby. The confrontation and stressful issues that come with bio-parents who just had their baby apprehended is a huge trigger for me, as I crashed on a road trip dropping off a young girl to visit her bio-dad. It’s not really realistic for the agency to meet my needs like that and deny bio-parents visitation with their baby - even if the child was apprehended (as they are for family reunification always - if possible).

Cognitively I can’t process things sometimes, and it is exceptionally hard in stressful situations (on top of how crappy it usually is to handle them). At this time it is unknown if it’s purely an anxiety thing or concussive - maybe both. Or perhaps I even have a brain injury now - hence more testing to figure it out.

Aside from doing something ridiculously mundane that will cause me to slip into a deep depression, feeling super worthless because I lost so much of what I worked hard for in an accident that was not fair or my fault...what do I do? Even the seemingly easy/mundane stuff still causes me dizziness and headaches. I don’t trust the system to support me once they get me back in the door to work. If I start struggling, they will likely try to push the whole “you’ve been able to get to work, so you’re recovered enough for us to close your file”. I am not prepared for that.

 

[Abstract]

Stephernovas, I wish there was still an anonymous function for posting. ?

 

[Friday]

I hate being a disappointment

Something to consider... I dont work in any field I care about, or where my name/reputation matters, much less “my” field, when I’m doing the burner-job thing.

then slowly fend off co-workers who think/treat me the same, until ultimately I get fired/let go

Similarly? ^^^This^^^ is one of the benefits of gig-work. There is no “eventually” because you’re not around long enough. You’re just there for 2 weeks, or 3 months, and then it’s over. It’s similar to socializing online, because people don’t actually see you day in and day out long term, through all the good & bad, but only for these short snippets. It ends up either being seductive as hell / the way one comes to prefer working (like I did for some time), or confidence building as you learn to manage your symptoms in bursts. Because you’re only there for 2 weeks, or 3 months, it ends up being solid practice for IF you want to consider coming on somewhere part time, or full time, later.

Ditto, I very much need “my” work to be meaningful. But gig-work, I’ve found I have far different standards. It doesn’t need to be meaningful/useful... it needs to be interesting. :sneaky:

This is how I’ve ended up crewing a tall ship (a wooden “pirate ship”) for a summer, staffing a dude-ranch (riding horses for a couple weeks, escorting tourists and cows from point A to point B), docent at a museum (I was just looking at the art, and saw holiday staff help wanted ads), habitat for humanity, holding newborns in the NICU, some circus work & a few theatre shows here & there, excavating/paying volunteer at a couple archeological digs for the season, some modeling, some courier work, horse training here and there, some journalism, editing a few scripts, beta testing a photography program for a free copy of it, a ski lodge in exchange for a season pass room&board... I’ve worked a whole helluva lot of jobs... for 20 minutes. Some were volunteer positions, some were paid, some were paid in kind. A lot were travel to, more a vacation from my life than anything (I object to traveling on my own dime as a matter of principle ;)). Everything had a deadline attached to it / was a very temporary position. Hell, some of the courier gigs were less than 24 hours. With free business class airfare :D Or a sleeper car on the train, which freakishly, is far more expensive than flying. Snicker. I avoided being trapped with my (lovely, really, they just drive me mad) family on the hell-tube by taking almost a week to get to Chicago on the Empire Builder, Instead. Before internet on trains, but essentially, I was being paid to read a book and watch the scenery in luxurious peace and quiet. Darn.

Usually when I’m talking about gig-work my head is during the time I was symptomatic as hell and alternating paramilitary/ NGO/ SAR/ Disaster Response/ K&R / etc. But I’d trade off with artsy & other interesting things I happened to stumble over... just because.

 

[Abstract]

Just a thought. Could you perhaps come and observe for a day? Just be in the environment. It may give you more clarity. I would also say be really creative and think outside the box for anything/way you could find something that would cussion you a bit more. It doesn't have to be forever. Now doesnt have to be forever. My change actually ended up serving me better.

I did various lateral thinking exercises looking at the fundamental skills I had and the fundamental things I wanted to avoid as much as possible. Brainstorm any crazy thing. I also found there were ways to manage some of the risk to not doing the job safely issues you bring up.

What about looking at this like a self knowledge exercise rather than putting this huge intimidating picture of going back to work over your head. Just explore for the moment.

What about using your knowledge for your own business. Providing information to people, some sort of support, support to hospitals in some way. IDK. Think way outside the box. The world is your potential oyster. Ish.

 

[Stephernovas]

Just a thought. Could you perhaps come and observe for a day? Just be in the environment. It may give you more clarity. I would also say be really creative and think outside the box for anything/way you could find something that would cussion you a bit more. It doesn't have to be forever. Now doesnt have to be forever. My change actually ended up serving me better.

I did various lateral thinking exercises looking at the fundamental skills I had and the fundamental things I wanted to avoid as much as possible. Brainstorm any crazy thing. I also found there were ways to manage some of the risk to not doing the job safely issues you bring up.

What about looking at this like a self knowledge exercise rather than putting this huge intimidating picture of going back to work over your head. Just explore for the moment.

What about using your knowledge for your own business. Providing information to people, some sort of support, support to hospitals in some way. IDK. Think way outside the box. The world is your potential oyster.

I guess overall I don’t feel supported enough to attempt something risky at this point. I’ve barely received enough support to manage/treat my current symptoms - if had to fight every step of the way. What makes them think I’m ready to take on more responsibility when we are still not clear about what’s triggering me and why.