Didn't Expect That Today

[desiderata310]

:nailbiting:
DON'T read between the lines?!
TAKE SOMEONE AT THEIR WORD?!
Next thing you know you'll be asking me to TRUST someone!!

:bored::cry:

I'm confused too but I have found that this is just a constant state for me at this point.

How was the Psych DR thing my fault? I should have gotten up and left. I just SAT there and got more and more triggered and more and more freaked out and more and more dissociated till I really didn't know if I was coming or going. I should have stopped her. I should have given her the finger and said, No, thanks, I have a THERAPIST I talk to about this shit and We've got the talking part managed. But instead I sat there and let her "ask" me the most triggering questions she could possibly come up with and I went down the rabbit hole this week. I should have gotten up and left.

Wound having to leave work early. One of my workers was bugging me and driving me to distraction with his griping. When I took one of his complains to another worker (it was legit) I was greeted by angry snapping. I managed to keep a stiff upper lip through it, turned around and left and made it to the ladies room before I burst into tears. *sigh* Being the boss of a bunch of grumpy ornery men means never letting them see you cry-ever.

After that I spent about an hour in my office, door closed before I was able to gather my wits about me and go home.
Fun part: I have to deal with this later because I'm both these guys' boss.
I was having (yet another) shitty manager day.

And NO! Not knowing is not ok... Or at least part of me is SAYING it's not ok. I should know the answer. I should be able to sort this out. Seriously, why do I spend so much of my life feeling like I am four instead of fourty-two?

 

[Deleted member 28740]

"doesn't fit the standard mold". That last part troubles me but I just can't think about that right now.

This post is good for me as I am new to treatment. Lifetime of PTSD, few month old babe.

Desi, have to say you got the first chuckle out of me again. LOVE doesn't fit the standerd of MOLD. Please Desi, accept that this, only this in the last weeks made me laugh for a moment. And I seriously need a moment of lightness. My dog got me out of bed 4 times last night from flashback noise scaring the shit out of her. And I got mad at her because I needed sleep, but it wasn't and hasn't been. Last night major. Thought I was awake and letting her out to pee, all was walking through a fog. Getting out of bed, which I did not do.

MOLD. It is toxic MOLD for me.

 

[desiderata310]

*Blink*
I am so glad that made you laugh. I literally had to look it up. mould.. DERP.
*sigh*
Well smear me with shit and stick me in the dark
:rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 28740]

More than a laugh Desi. The deep gut kind. Got hiccups from it now.

 

[desiderata310]

Shit Changling! Get em where you can. Sometimes they are hard to find.
Seriously, I don't mind being the 'butt' of the joke... just don't keep me in the dark about it.
*grin*
Hell you made me smile. That's been rare recently.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It's my observation that those of us with PTSD are challenging to work with. It's the nature of the disorder. If he just wants to treat "the worried well" then he shouldn't take on trauma work. Progress is glacial and interrupted by setbacks, depressive episodes, trust issues, etc. all the charming difficulties we have. Has he ever gotten advanced training in trauma therapy? Cuz you should NOT have been the cancelled client. Yes, we are difficult but certainly not undeserving. Quite the opposite IMHO. Does he check in with you by phone or email?

 

[desiderata310]

Generally, no, he doesn't check in on me. This week he checked in via text and CALLED ME on the first day when the psych dr threw me for a loop. Since then the texts have been limited to rescheduling.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

*grin*
Hell you made me smile. That's been rare recently.

Thanks for the smile back Desi. This week has been more than the usual hellish stuck in the deep muddy. And river rising.

Shit Changling!

Head/mind is regurgitating SHIT. Hard to breath letting the particles, segments held in out. And lots of mold causing havoc too.
:eek::arghh;:arghh;

:hug: Desi

 

[Changing4Best]

You said you felt like a failure because you had to leave work. I don't see that as causing you to be a failure. If you were physically sick, you would have to leave work, right? That would not make you a failure! So don't take having to leave work like that, it isn't. You did what you NEEDED to do. I did not read all the replies after you said that, as there are so many. So someone may have already said what I said too. @ Link Removed