ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I ate reasonably yesterday. Still a bit of food obsession, but I did okay yesterday.

 

[ms spock]

I have overshared my frustration with my partner with my walking group. I was asked and immediately cut off, and one woman asked me when I was drinking from a water bottle, when I couldn't possibly reply, and another asked and answered for me what I actually said. So yeah I have most likely said too much. The frustration I feel is huge, and I dissociate, and eat to soothe that anger and resentment. So in order to stop overeating I have to express what I am feeling in my relationship. I don't want to lose it though, but saying nothing or very little is really very difficult for me and is not working. So I did say things mostly pretty calmly, though need to not doing it during meals as I don't taste a thing when having hard conversations. I did okay. I actually did really well with one thing that I said.

 

[ms spock]

Last night I had a several of shavings of a mini nut loaf, small biscuit size for night time eating before bed, that is pretty amazing. I am finding the weight watchers helpful in keeping track and it eases the fear that I will go to the other extreme of not eating enough. My portion sizes have been too big for too long, I knew that but I was actually able to say hey I can't eat all this porridge this morning, and brought it home to eat. I was trying to force it all in, and you know I realise that type of eating wasn't working for me. So I was able to set a boundary with myself, and not totally wig out. So that was great.

So self care today.
1 hour walking this morning.
1 hour meditation with a friend.
I did 3 x 111 The Alexander Technique roughly ten minutes each.
I spent half an hour chasing some young kids around the pool, and in the pool.
Challenging distorted cognitions, rinse, and repeat ad infinitum.

I felt excruciating vulnerability last night, as a consequence of not being in a food coma. It was really challenging. I zoned out a bit on TV and sought reassurance from my partner. So I started today off with the thought of profound self compassion, and I am hoping to combine that with Radical Acceptance.

I think it will take me about two years to lose the weight that I need to lose it. I need to lose 23 kilos to be in my BMI. I am not going to focus on that too much, but I am going to be Mindful of it. If I can lose two kilograms per month over two years - that would be great. There will be ups and downs, and I have to be realistic, I have had disordered eating for probably 45-47 years. Good enough, and more reasonable steps of self care are the way to go. I won't go rigid or anything is off the table as it triggers the immense deprivation and I really put on weight when that stuff gets triggered.

I feel like I have turned a small corner. So that is good.

 

[ninja]

With respect @Disco Dancing Queen , so proud of you. :hug:
I relate to the fear of going the other direction as well. I am really glad you are finding something that can help you learn what healthy portion size looks like for you. That is really hard to do when for such a long time it has been wonky.

 

[ms spock]

The whole portion size thing is really very challenging. I remember, as a kid, talking out a loaf of bread, toasting it, butter and peanut butter, and basically eating the whole loaf in one sitting. It might have been one of those growth spurt ones, but there were many others that weren't. It is all really confusing.

 

[ms spock]

The downside to not being in a food coma, is the whole feeling feelings thing. That is not easy. But as one of my meditations said this morning: "Thoughts are only mental events!"

I felt feelings, and I cried, and I didn't die, nothing bad actually happened. I realised that the cat needs to be euthanased right away. So I have an appointment in 40 minutes, and that is really hard.

I got triggered this morning about the young people I have missed out in my own family, and it is sad, and it is okay.

So I gave myself total permission to go and have a devonshire tea if I needed to afterwards, but now I have felt the feelings I don't actually need to eat them. Interesting to see if that holds after the cat passes. She is a beautiful cat. I have taken excellent care of her, if I weren't so skilled she would have died a long time ago.

 

[ms spock]

Cried, took the cat down to the vets, stayed with her and loved her whilst she died, cried with the cat, and the vet, and then in the car, and on the way home, and then I came home. A friend hadn't heard from me, and asked me how I was and I said weepy and upset about the cat, and she then dropped by with a bunch of flowers, and stayed for one drink of water. That was nice. So I gave myself permission, and you know I didn't do it, so maybe if you feel feelings you can manage stuff? Who knows? Probably. But not comfort eating or binge eating today, and this is a major one for me.

I saw that terrible corrosive self doubt I said sorry to the cat and the vet said to me he has never seen a cat last that long as our kitty did with such severe renal failure, that the IV and the caring and everything was amazing, and he couldn't believe she lasted that long with quality of life. He told me I done nothing wrong, and everything right, and you know it really helped. He said to me what I did was amazing. So I will learn not to self doubt myself so corrosively. I am willing to do the work. It will come just with some practise. Life is messy. I always thought if you worked it out that it would stay worked out but that is not the way of it at all. That is what comes from looking to popular culture to live your life by. You just guess and you know intellectually it is not so but emotionally you have nothing else to use as a blue print.

That terrible corrosive self doubt - yeah I sat with that little kitty and gave her her favourite head rub, and you know despite it all I did try really hard to get well, I got sabotaged on the way, and I worked so hard I didn't see that I was getting exploited etc. So it would have been good to have got further along the journey than I am but hey this is normal for my type of complex trauma. I am not alone. And it is all okay. I can do this. I can be here. Even though I have been bawling my heart out. I got it done before B came back. I moved most of the cat trays (we had a dozen of them, old kitty with serious kidney issues). Anyway I feel relief now, she went before she really shut down and was in pain. This was a really good learning lesson. I can see how I get tripped up by the corrosive self doubt, the bashings and the rapes are easier to deal with it was the constant shaming, humiliation, scapegoating, the malicious mind games, f*cked up mind games etc, and no matter what decision I made it was always going to be the wrong one - there was always going to be extreme pain at the end of that. So I internalised to a deep level that I am so wrong. I am not wrong. And I was so brave late teens and in my 20s, I got therapy and I pushed myself through university and I got a book offer, and so many things, but then that psychologist came and lived with me, and that derailed me for a long time, then things went down hill, and scrabble as I might I couldn't get out. It could have been a lot worse I could have had kids to an abusive man. But for me it was so sad, as I had so much to share and offer, and the world needs all the inspiration, fun and help it can get. But the obsessiveness about decisions I get it so much more now. So profound Self Compassion and Radical Acceptance is the way to go.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm very sorry @Disco Dancing Queen . I am glad you were your kitty's 'mom'. If any day requires you giving yourself compassion and putting the thoughts aside, this is one of them. :(

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[joeylittle]

I’m sorry you have had to say that last goodbye to your cat. It is never, ever easy. Thinking of you.

 

[ms spock]

Thank you so much @joeylittle she had a long and good life. It was a mostly sobbing and crying type of day.

 

[ms spock]

So documenting how much I am eating is giving me insights that I did not have before. I am glad that I joined Weight Watchers, because I wouldn't have picked up what I did yesterday, if I hadn't been documenting my eating patterns. Yesterday I over ate a lot, but I did not understand that was what I was doing. I was tasting a roast pork and a roast chicken, and because we had no time to eat lunch I kept snacking, and having a lot more than I would have had if I had sat down. So there was Mindless eating yesterday. I am not beating myself up about that. I am much more aware. It is surprising to me that I did that!

Last night I had terrible fear of rape panic before I went to bed and I started to actually eat then, realised I was doing it, stopped myself, went to see B, went to comfort eat, stopped myself, then went to see B, then went back to comfort eat and then stopped myself again and went to bed. It was pretty horrible. I need a safe and comforting bedtime ritual.

 

[ms spock]

It really is quite fascinating just how much I ate yesterday without even realising that that was what I was doing. So much of my relationship with food is unconscious.