ED Disordered eating

[VioletButterfly]

Hi Ms. Spock - I haven't been logged on in awhile. Life has been and is "beyond" at this point for me, but I wanted to stop by and tell you how inspiring you are to me. You try, try, try, again - over and over. 100 kudos to you, my friend, for your resilience and persistence! I actually looked, seriously, at a teaching position this week as I was reviewing jobs this week because of how hard you are trying and what you've had to endure to get to where you want to be as a teacher in helping children. I've started to think about what I really want for my life, where I'm at with ED/AL and what that means for my health, and what I can/need to do for myself at this point.

I would add that what Ninja noted about recovering from ED's being on a continum is very true. I think we have to know that we'll go back and forth a bit with behaviors, but that it's the long term goal of more good days over bad and our growing ability to cope that counts. Sending many good vibes, support, encouragement, and thankfulness to you on your journey. VB

 

[ninja]

I so agree @VioletButterfly , I think one of the biggest ‘wins’ for us is when we begin seeing the mistakes as mistakes and part of the process, rather than superseding the progress we’ve made. It’s such a perfectionistic mindset so of course one bad day may seem to take away all progress. Personally, I know I’ve wanted to ‘recover without making mistakes.’ It is still hard for me to not take making a mistake as justification for relapsing. To be able to feel compassion for ourselves when the mistakes happen is huge, I think.

As is written everywhere in the literature on ED’s at this point, ED stuff tends to come back when there are major stressors. Like clockwork, my stuff comes back whenever there are major stressors in my life. It still feels comforting to me and I am however many years into this crap and have seen the destruction it has caused. I cannot say I always make choices the way I know I should. That said, I am also still learning, and in my experience ED’s are deeply personal. It is both a giant chore as well as empowering to figure out how the ED functions for you and to separate self and self-worth from it.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Ninja - Yes, yes, yes!!! All that you said. Thank you.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Working on this again..... I've added a yogurt parfait (Greek yogurt, Maine blueberries, sliced almonds) along with a few supplements back to my menu for breakfast and I'm also eating a balanced lunch, seeking to get a great deal of protein into my diet, lower carbs, and a balanced GI tract. The rest of the day's meals are going to have to get in line as this is what I seem to be able to manage right now as my mind is freaking out over my weight being so high. This former AN is not used to this AT ALL! :( I'm glad that I at least am able to look at this as a matter of health and not the distorted needs of perfectionism.

Also, working with my thinking and my emotions, being aware of triggers and circling never/ever/forever lies along with black and white thinking. These seem to be the two most prevalent distortions I'm experiencing right now. I'm doing better at identifying and responding right now, but still having some days where I slip down under the waters of despair. I'm also trying to wrangle with FEAR as it seems to drive my nervous system these days with what I have on deck right now. I'm finding that getting back into my faith and practicing gratitude is helping with this. Also, slogans seem to be helping so I'm looking at my Al Anon notes and writing some slogans of my own. New one: Shame on you, shame off me! I'm done with shame; it has destroyed so much of my life. So, I'll lay it where it belongs and forgive both sides of the equation, and move on.

I did try to start daily walking back on Easter. I was enjoying it a lot, but on day 4 I somehow managed to flip over into the grass causing a very bad sprain with substantial bruising and swelling of my foot/ankle and halfway up my shin/calf. At least I think it was a sprain; I can walk on it. At any rate, I'm still in pain although I have been stretching it. Anyway, I was very bummed out, and am hoping I'm better soon as I think walking helps all the way around with my mental, spiritual, and physical health.

I'm kind of taking a holistic approach right now. I am working on self-care, and trying to sustain myself while I get a job and find housing. I did see two more positions at schools today although I'd be an administrator. I'm thinking it might be easier/better for me to go this route as those are the skills I've always used in my work life, just not in a school setting. If I'm hired, maybe they'd consider helping me to work on certification so that I could teach one day. It's a very hard exam; the math portion scares the pants off of me.

This is where I seem to be at in my journey with ED and trauma, and in building/rebuilding a life worth living right now. Daily and hourly battles most days, but for today, I seem to be a bit more focused. It helps to know that I'm not alone and to see how others keep trying to go forward despite the challenges they face. I guess we're all getting polished into diamonds in this big old rock tumbler of life.

Sending light. VB

 

[ninja]

I appreciate hearing about where you are at, your thoughts, insights and realizations @VioletButterfly ?

I am at a point in my healing/recovery where I am beginning to actually see that I have the choice to see myself as someone still struggling sometimes with: an eating disorder or the remnants of an eating disorder or as someone enough recovered that I can move on from ED. I am beginning to see more clearly that really honestly I'm good. My fear of letting go of ED is maybe partially keeping me from fully trusting myself and my body.

I am kind to myself more than I am harsh towards myself. It is a rare day when I feel self-hatred.
I feel increasingly less shame, am more confident and assertive.
I am a healthy weight-- I can see that even as I'm still not quite where I'd like to be.
My genuine goal is health. I'm enough healed that I know what that means.
I'm flexible about eating out and eating all kinds of different foods.

I am carrying a little more weight than I think is ideal for my body, but that has allowed me to experiment with weight gain and loss, with flexible eating, with changes in plans, with listening to my body, with working through fear foods, letting go of restriction. I now trust I will not starve myself or go overboard in any which way. I suspect there's more to learn still, but this letting go is part of the natural process I think. It doesn't feel forced.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Ninja - Thank you for sharing. It's so encouraging to see what you've accomplished and where you're at with this. I espeically like the focus on "health" instead of weight. I feel better when my mind is similarly focused. :)

I read back through some of my older posts on this thread... Whewwww...... All over the map! Work in progress for sure. I'm being fairly constant with eating early in the day, but evenings are still problematic. I'm going to try to start having a small smoothie just to get me started. I think I need some structure in this regard. Oy! Where's my magic wand?!

I have been finding some magic beans of sorts in the form of finding/experiencing a lot of good supportive messaging lately: I saw a wonderful Oprah show yesterday that really hit home with me; I've been catching episodes of Joyce Meyer who is telling me what I need to hear right now; I found a wonderful article on the Tiny Buddha website concerning HSPs that is helping me with unconditional patience and compassion toward myself; I've been rediscovering the Kristin Neff website exercises and trying to be my own best friend; and I'm fully experiencing unconditional love, encouragement and support through my faith.

Hoping everyone is having a good day thus far. Sending some of the abundant sunshine I've got going on outside of my window today. :) VB

 

[ms spock]

To be able to feel compassion for ourselves when the mistakes happen is huge, I think.

It is huge!

 

[ms spock]

I have lost the plot a bit with this at the moment - yes I am having major stressors. So not going too well but not so badly either.

 

[ms spock]

Working on this again.....

Me too!

Also, working with my thinking and my emotions, being aware of triggers and circling never/ever/forever lies along with black and white thinking. These seem to be the two most prevalent distortions I'm experiencing right now. I'm doing better at identifying and responding right now, but still having some days where I slip down under the waters of despair.

Sounds like a good negotiation with yourself.

New one: Shame on you, shame off me!

That's great!

This is where I seem to be at in my journey with ED and trauma, and in building/rebuilding a life worth living right now. Daily and hourly battles most days, but for today, I seem to be a bit more focused. It helps to know that I'm not alone and to see how others keep trying to go forward despite the challenges they face. I guess we're all getting polished into diamonds in this big old rock tumbler of life.

I am back to daily and hourly battles at the moment as well. So I walk with you.

 

[ms spock]

I am struggling with this again, but still in an overall improved way.

 

[ms spock]

... but I wanted to stop by and tell you how inspiring you are to me. You try, try, try, again - over and over. 100 kudos to you, my friend, for your resilience and persistence!

Thank you so much for your positive feedback. It does help, often I am in the struggle and don't see that I am/have making progress. I am trying to make an effort to take in positive comments.

I actually looked, seriously, at a teaching position this week as I was reviewing jobs this week because of how hard you are trying and what you've had to endure to get to where you want to be as a teacher in helping children.

It has been an educational experience. It has not gone well overall, because the system has some serious problems. The mental health of teachers is not optimum.

I've started to think about what I really want for my life, where I'm at with ED/AL and what that means for my health, and what I can/need to do for myself at this point.

That sounds great.

I would add that what Ninja noted about recovering from ED's being on a continuum is very true.

It is - I am still mostly doing well but doing a bit too much with self soothing with food and emotional management, but I will get there.

I think we have to know that we'll go back and forth a bit with behaviors, but that it's the long term goal of more good days over bad and our growing ability to cope that counts.

That's the prize to keep an eye on.

Sending many good vibes, support, encouragement, and thankfulness to you on your journey.

Thanks for checking back in and let me know how you are going. I really value yours, @Ninja's and everyone else's contributions. It really helps that I am not alone. And the wisdom of other people on the journey is so useful.

 

[ms spock]

I think one of the biggest ‘wins’ for us is when we begin seeing the mistakes as mistakes and part of the process, rather than superseding the progress we’ve made. It’s such a perfectionistic mindset so of course one bad day may seem to take away all progress. Personally, I know I’ve wanted to ‘recover without making mistakes.’ It is still hard for me to not take making a mistake as justification for relapsing. To be able to feel compassion for ourselves when the mistakes happen is huge, I think.

I have this crazy idea that recovering without mistakes is actually possible. Like that is seriously a belief I have in my head. That's pretty silly.

As is written everywhere in the literature on ED’s at this point, ED stuff tends to come back when there are major stressors.

Yeah - I am finding this to be true.

Like clockwork, my stuff comes back whenever there are major stressors in my life. It still feels comforting to me and I am however many years into this crap and have seen the destruction it has caused.

It is interesting how time and perspective give you a deeper insight.

It is both a giant chore as well as empowering to figure out how the ED functions for you and to separate self and self-worth from it.

That would be a good thing to be able to do! I can't even imagine having that level of nuance around this issue. I can barely focus on that sentence.