ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

So this is still fluctuating but overall improvements/ I am focusing now more on really feeding myself nourishing food. I am eating better. I will comfort eat from time to time, but it doesn't matter now. What matters is to really nourish myself and pace myself. I have got some good stuff in place with my eating now. Maintenance, and not stressing too much over it all is now the key.

 

[ms spock]

So I did comfort eat last night, it was bounceback from being so present yesterday. I did really well yesterday I was much more present, I was a lot less dissociated. I was a lot less in maladaptive daydreaming. I was challenging my distorted cognitions. I challenged my giving myself a hard time which often leads to me going into a frozen state and freezing, so that is a significant milestone for me.

I am having much reduced amounts of food though when I comfort eat, so still a tremendous amount of progress in my slipping and sliding.

 

[ms spock]

Today I am doing okay with this. I just have to make sure I have nourishing meals, and if I have a slip up it doesn't matter because my over all all my behaviours have changed. It is now about developing a relationship with myself where I don't beat myself up so much of the time. So it is about learning how not to be so dysregulated. I am way too hard on myself. I only have to do one new thing at a time though. I am overwhelming myself with demands and goals I am not quite up to at this time, which is sabotaging myself.

 

[ms spock]

I am making good choices. I chose not to overeat at lunch.

I chose not to overeat chocolate yesterday by having an ice cream because I had already had enough. I felt I had had enough. This was a first. I felt I had had enough. I had had 100 grams of chocolate bees and bugs, which I really enjoyed. I also had a freddo frog. So I checked in with myself and I felt a bit sick from so much chocolate and so I didn't get an ice cream. I was connected enough to myself to know how I feel/felt. I had thought maybe I wouldn't get there. And then I actually acted on what I felt as well. So that was a big step forward for me.

I am eating grapes and eating fresh sourdough bread now. I don't have to be perfect. I am good enough.

 

[ms spock]

So I am still managing this overall well, it slips and slides. I am no longer spending the majority of my days self medicated with food. It is a huge shift for me. I have done this since I was a small child. The way I managed the ongoing trauma as a small child was to seek solace in food. I really thought I would never get to this point. So it is a huge change.

My goal weight was 70 kilos - top of my BMI for my height, I hover around 66-68 kilos and pop up to 70-71 at times. So you are deemed at goal if you are two kilos above or below your goal weight, so it means I can eat and drink before a meeting and not worry about being at goal weight. I keep an eye on my weight because if I dissociate (well in the past) I could start eating more without being aware of it. But I don't worry much about it as much anymore.

The main thing now is to feed myself really nourishing meals and nothing is off limits. If I am stressed and more prone to comfort eating I tend not to keep things in the house that I might indulge in. But overall great improvement.

Now that I have changed my eating patterns I am experiencing high levels of anxiety. So that is a new level of skills that I am acquiring/that I will learn in the next few months/years.

Last night I got B to get some treats when he was out because I decided to consciously self sooth with food. It was interesting because I let myself have what I want, and I didn't need as much, so I had half a bar of Violent Crumble, in my past life I could eat many of them. So progress - I felt in my body that I had had enough.

I would like to not comfort eat before bed. It is a work in progress. I do need to feed myself slightly better dinners.

 

[ms spock]

I have regressed quite a lot, which will happen from time to time.

I went up on the Endep because of high anxiety, and that slows my metabolism and increases my appetite.
A stack of very stressful things have happened - extra physical pain than usual, partner severely in pain and waiting for two operations, had concussion from a student punching me in the face - no malice just an 18 month in a huge body - concussion was tough going - increase anxiety with the concussion - my f*cking family pulling their shit - so back we go to no contact anymore. I tried a couple of them there is no point. Feeling very lonely and disorientated from the concussion. Feeling lonely and disorientated. Comfort eating. Place I got punched in is treating the young people badly - the young person gets locked out side because of her behaviours. Took on full time job but they gave me a class where one of the students melts down the who class has to be evacuated - all complex issues - all of them trauma and all of the with 3/4 diagnosis - as well as two subjects that I have no taught before. Managed really well with complex cases but if they load me up with supervisions I will not manage. That much toughness with students I can do the three classes but not more and two of those classes are like four classes, and one teacher told me she refuses to teach one of the boys because of his violence. So I thought i was going to a mainstream school with mainstream issues but I got a class one teacher came for a day and quit and last year the teacher taught for five minutes and then let them have free time. There are so many cases of reactive attachment disorder in that class it is not funny. The school is so big the other teachers also get lost. I am not going to burn myself out.

So starting at another school which is not as big or as dangerous - I will say I will stay until they get another teacher but I am out. I am done.

 

[ms spock]

I went to one of my dream schools, bit disappointing the bullying amongst the teachers - 15 staff quit from there a couple of years ago. The teacher was very upfront with me about the problems at the school. It's going to be tough for me anywhere I go - going from casual working to full time will be a big jump. But it is a much smaller school and there aren't evacuation policies depending on which student meltdowns. Those young people need to be removed from their families - their behaviours make it very clear what is going on in their families but apparently the other teachers can't read it. There's nothing subtle about it.

Anyway I had to learn 6 new programs, read 67 pieces of paper and learn their behavioural management stuff in less than two days apparently and that is not possible.

I did really well with the volatile students and I even go some rapport and a little bit of work out of them, and everyone stayed in the classroom. If I only had to learn two new subjects and teach three classes I could do that, but they are also loading me up with lunch duty and I expect that supervisions will start piling up on my next week. That is not sustainable. I can learn out of area but I cannot manage extra classes on top of the really complex ones that I already have.

 

[ms spock]

Not going so well with this, holding on.

 

[ms spock]

So I went off the rails with this one. I chose to self soothe with food.

 

[ninja]

It is a very deeply rooted coping mechanism that likely will take a long while to fully get through. And that is okay. Like you've said a few posts ago, mistakes will happen. I certainly also continue to make mistakes.

I'm sorry things have been so challenging lately. ?

 

[ms spock]

I have regressed a bit these last couple of weeks. But I am still doing better overall.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for checking in and letting me know how you are going. I miss your comments when you are not in this thread. It's nice to have someone who is so positive and understanding.