ED Disordered eating

[ninja]

I was just thinking something similar. I feeL what food issues have to teach me is how to be in the present.

 

[ms spock]

I did better today than I did with my eating than yesterday. I am becoming more conscious.

It is really interesting @NinjaWolf the absence of myself around eating, and sometimes it is a fear blocking strategy for me.

 

[ms spock]

So last night was back to comfort eating before bed for me with Blueberries and Grapes. I only took a handful at a time so I delayed eating a bit by walking to the fridge from the TV room.

It has taken years of awareness that has resulted in me being so much better with my eating that it is phenomenal, I will slip and slide but I have so much improvement on every front. Last night was my first night on 125 of Endep, so a slow change for me, and it will be interesting to see how that effects my eating, one of the side effects is appetite increase with a slower metabolism.

Improvements include that I am not beating myself up so much.I am starting to whittle down the corrosive self doubt. My exercise is often a regular activity. I am learning how not to overthink things with my music teacher. I am occasionally able to be in my body when someone else is in the room. I am acquiring better interpersonal skills. My sleep hygiene is much, much better than it was, though I have patches of nightmares, and fear of rape before going to bed. I am doing Self Compassion Breaks. I break down my distorted cognitions.

 

[ninja]

@Disco Dancing Queen
A big thing I struggle with is deciding what to eat. I have a hard time there. I don't know what I want a majority of the time. When I was in the throes of restriction I would stand in the isles of the grocery store very hungry and not be able to come to any consensus about what I wanted to eat, so I'd just leave. My body doesn't want me to think about what I want to be able to eat in the future. It doesn't care what I've eaten in the past. It doesn't care what my mind thinks is "right", it has wants that sometimes follow no long-term, predictable pattern.
I want to eat the "right" thing because there's a part of me who is like, 'who knows when you'll let me eat next!!' When I feel that part I just have to give compassion and apologize and promise I will absolutely do my best to find a healthy spot.

The truly awesome thing about this though, is how much liberation comes on the other side. We get to work so hard to cultivate a sense of safety and compassion for ourselves and make our inside environment kind and supportive no matter what. It is such empowering work, and tremendous. Eventually, inside of ourselves seems to very much become a safe spot that we can go to whenever we need, which is such a relief. You are doing so amazing. I am glad that we can work at this together. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for walking down this path with me @NinjaWolf it really does help to have someone who is working on similar/same issues as you are!

 

[ms spock]

I went to a cafe and ate a scone, jam and cream this morning. Sad thing is that I was dissociating, and in maladadjustive daydreaming so I didn't really get to enjoy it. I was in terrible pain from my arm. Anyway, it is what it is, if I can get 50% over improvement then I will be happy, and currently I am doing that.

2 hours of housework and rearranging today, so I am really making progress.

The wasp sting is infected and spreading along my arm, and yes it is time to go back to the doctor's.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@Disco Dancing Queen )))
Holy Moly!!! I haven't been keeping up very well... PLEASE get your arm checked??!!?? Infection from a sting isn't something you mess with! :eek:

 

[ms spock]

Okay I spent some quality time in emergency because of the swelling on my arm, they did the blood tests and sent me home. The pain is still bad, but it is not serious.

So I got a pumpkin and ricotta roll at the hospital. I didn't end up munching on chocolate as their vending machine was broken. And I didn't go and get a second helping, so that was a solid choice.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

SO GLAD you had your arm checked out!!! Good job! :cool::tup:

 

[ms spock]

Significant improvement last night, in terms of managing the impulse to binge.

Last night was really tough so the impulse to binge eat was huge last night, and I had disturbed dreaming and woke really early.

I made a good decision was to go to bed when my partner did, and even though the impulse to binge was huge it meant I was in bed, and even though I kept coming back to obsessively thinking about scrambled eggs I put on the TV series that I was watching, and kept thinking I am in bed, so I won't get up to eat them.

This is a huge improvement in terms of managing the impulse to binge.

I did overeat at dinner as I had already eaten my weight watchers allotment of food for the day. I wasn't at all hungry - I was eating for deprivation warding off, and comfort. It is what it is, this is the getting aware of the patterns time in order to work out how to manage my disordered eating.

I woke up at 4.30am and turned on the series in the morning to manage all the chaotic sleep stuff. In my sleep I was telling myself I was good enough, and I was allowed to have stuff or something like that.

Very hard to deal with but I am sticking with this to the long haul.

Now that I can speak honestly with my partner much more, and not eat my feelings, I think I can do this. It won't be easy but f*ck it, it is time.

Last night was my second night of medication decrease.

 

[ms spock]

I forgot I do this - force feed myself to make sure that I eat, because of not feeling hunger pains a lot of time. Because I worry about not experiencing hunger pains I do this force feeding of myself to make sure I don't go underweight again, which is definitely not in the realm of possibility due to being about 25 kilos above my weight, but I am not hassling myself about it. Either the force feeding or the weight, but I can notice that I no longer need to do this. It is good to recognise something I no longer need to do.

 

[MyWillow]

I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my feline centred heart for loving your dear kitty so deeply that you thought about quality of life to the end. That alone tells me you are a good person.

May my beloved Willow welcome your kitty across the rainbow bridge.