ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I am still comfort eating, I have put back on some of the weight. Today I am going to try some self compassion today.

 

[Teasel]

Lending you some extra self compassion, I so admire you and your determined efforts in very trying circumstances indeed. Much love x

 

[ms spock]

I am really struggling with comfort, grazing numbing myself eating. I have regressed. I have pushed through to the next level with activity though. So I am hoping that I will manage better. IT is really hard to manage this.

 

[ms spock]

So today I am doing better. Back in to physical activities. I did two lots of physical activities yesterday. I went walking this morning.

I am feeling very anxious about working. I did two casual days but it was more to see what they are doing. I did a volunteer

I am highly anxious. It has been really hard going. I went back to grazing comfort eating, but not as much as I used to, and Idid not binge on junk food as I used to I went for frozen fruit and yoghurt. So that is improvement.

I also thought that is a once a week food, and then didn't have more a few times, which was good. I also realised I was going over my points in one meal so was a bit more careful in other meals.

I was in a very bad way emotionally but I didn't put on five kilos or anything like that which I could easily do in the old days, so that is an improvement. I put on a couple of kilos, so still overweight but not as nearly has bad as it could have been.

I have done better today. I haven't done comfort eating today.

 

[frogthroat]

I'm eating too much again these past couple weeks and I think has to do with anxiety. I feel alot of self-hate and I don't see a future for myself at the moment. I need to cut down on caffiene and soothe myself in a healthier way. I went down a jean size again and I don't want to gain the weight back.

 

[ms spock]

I am not managing so well either @RuffledFeathers, sorry to hear you are doing it tough.

I am not doing so well but I have kind of slowed down with the comfort eating. I am doing better. I did a little bit late last night but mostly didn't do it yesterday. I actually didn't have lunch which is not sensible. But anyhow I am gradually moving towards a better way of doing things.

I am feeling a high level of anxiety right now, and it is not pleasant, but I am not eating so that is improvement.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Although my behaviors seem to be the same, I am making a bit of progress I think. I'm peeking around the corner in understanding that this is patterned behavior that's been going on way too long, that I can be in control of this behavior, and that I can find another way to cope and heal, that it IS NOT a forever, forgone conclusion for my life that I will be doing this for another 20 years or even 10 years. I can change. I can embrace opposite thinking that this is an outmoded coping mechanism that is no longer helpful as is the drinking. My life can be healthier and happier.

I've been having a lot of thoughts contrary to what ED has been telling me: both habits/choices are destructive, both are not long view solutions for healing, and both are illogical. I ask myself: "Can a car run without oil and what happens if you do drive it without oil for any amount of time?" Well, the engine locks up and that is that. Similarly, my body will fail and or lock-up. Damage will be done that can't be undone. I've already experienced some of that.

So many more thoughts, but I think it is good that there seems to be some breaking apart of long held beliefs about my life past, present and future. Hopefully, action will follow thinking in this case. I'm hanging in there and trying to do the work.

Rethinking a lot of therapy and damage done v. the power of "me" and the power of "now.

Sending light and courage to all of us on this journey. :)

 

[ms spock]

Although my behaviors seem to be the same, I am making a bit of progress I think. I'm peeking around the corner in understanding that this is patterned behavior that's been going on way too long, that I can be in control of this behavior, and that I can find another way to cope and heal, that it IS NOT a forever, forgone conclusion for my life that I will be doing this for another 20 years or even 10 years. I can change. I can embrace opposite thinking that this is an outmoded coping mechanism that is no longer helpful...

Hey me too! I am doing much better with this! I am doing it! I am eating a bit less, and when I comfort eat or graze. I am eating a lot less than I was. I, too, am making progress, even when the behaviours seem the same!

 

[ms spock]

Overall I am making a bit more progress it is slip and slide and slide and slip but overall so much better.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I have been engaging in comfort as opposed to anxiety-fueled eating the past couple of days. I'm feeling kind of sad and missing the family life I didn't have and the family/friend relationships I don't have. No circle here. :( Probably due to all of these darn holiday movies.... Where's that gratitude list?!

 

[VioletButterfly]

I went clothes shopping yesterday as I don't fit into anything anymore. I had a kind of out-of-body or my mind experience when looking in the mirror. It's like there's a disconnect between what I'm seeing and understanding how my body got to be this way. I was also sad and frustrated - feeling like my mother was pulling and tugging clothes to get them on and fitted. Ugh! Just not good. Then I was thinking about how I used to feel when I was overweight and couldn't connect to a single feeling or thought - like this is all new territory. Really strange. So, well, I have to go out and do it all over again today. Jeeze. Needless to say, food issues are all mixed up and not healthy other than my taking vitamins. I did bake a new chicken recipe earlier in the week, but the chicken is still sitting in Tupperware in the fridge. Oy! :(

Forgot to mention - yeah, the AN mindset is pretty fierce right now, I'm just to "lazy" to do anything about it. Much judgment going on in my mind. Not pretty. Sigh.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hi @Mach123 - From what you've shared, I sense that you might be in a bit of a quandary related to accepting that you are having trouble with disordered eating and what that really means. I might be reading between the lines, so please dismiss any/all of this if I'm off base, but I wanted to throw a lifeline of sorts out to you. :)

The ED mind is a wily mind and likes to tell a lot of lies, and mislead us. It's still very difficult for me to accept that I have disordered eating. You've read my entries, what do you think. :0 Still, deep down inside, I'm believing a lot of ED lies and just think I'm lazy, a loser, blah blah.... Life will be like this forever; it doesn't matter what I try - I will fail. Comforting, right? For me, ED lies seem to run tangentially to trauma lies and to be intertwined with cognitive distortions. For me, I think I have to really work through the mental/emotional issues I've been contending with and wrangling with for so many years, and just walk through the valley, not fearing what is at the other side.

This is where a treatment team can be essential in deciding what is best for you. They can help you work with your thinking and your behaviors, and keep an eye on your health. If you are not already doing so, I'd continue the conversation with your therapist and assemble a team to help you. I believe you have already mentioned that you saw a nutritionist. I hope that was helpful and that you can return for another visit.

Also, treatment aside, one of your statements caught my eye as it was something I struggled/still struggle with as well:

My metabolism is slower and I need less food.

Your nutritionist and MD will tell you this, but your metabolism may slowdown and you might not need as many calories to keep functioning in the near term, but nutrients are something all together different from calories when considering what your body needs. Organs, muscles/soft tissue, bones, etc... need nutrients to stay strong and healthy. You may not know or feel that things are going wrong in your body in the moment, but over time your body, your mind, etc.. will be impacted by long term malnutrition.

Sending prayers of healing, courage and strength to help you continue on your healing journey. VB