ED Disordered eating

[BlackbirdSinging]

It's hard to understand isn't? For me when it acts up I really restrict what I eat don't eat or don't eat enough and I body check. Actually I body check a lot and I'm so self conscious of myself.

 

[ms spock]

I am not going well with this at all at the moment. I am trying to get back to some type of stability.

 

[ms spock]

I put it down to really early childhood trauma/abuse @BlackbirdSinging where food was the only thing I had any control over. Where food was my Mother and Father. My comfort, my numbing (thus my emotional regulation)

 

[ms spock]

I worked so hard on this for so long and now I have fallen apart again with this.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I worked so hard on this for so long

I totally understand. Sending hugs to you.

 

[ms spock]

It's really not going well at all. But I am more Mindful. I don't eat such huge quantities as I used to. I am more aware of portion sizes. I also let myself have the thing I really want rather than binging on other stuff. Though it's a huge slide at the moment.

 

[ms spock]

So it's not terrible but it's not good either. It's all pretty challenging at the moment.

But the whole process of writing what I wrote in this thread means I fundamental change has occurred despite the recent slipping and sliding. I am much more aware of dissociated eating. I am much more aware for so much of things related to eating. This is really good. I am just trying to find a place to settle and start again.

All my progress is not lost. I am just exhausted.

 

[ms spock]

So I need to rein it and get moving again. I have moved in another arena of healing and it's better insight but I need to get this in line now.

 

[ms spock]

So this fell apart whilst I was trying to manage something else. It's been not the best I put on 14 kilos so bit by bit by bit. I am getting back on the trail.

 

[ms spock]

So today I went to a new organisation's meeting to meet the new folk and they seemed really nice. I chose not to comfort eat. I sat with the uncomfortability. That is progress and after most of them left I really wanted to comfort eating but it's best just to blast through the uncomfortability so I did. Progress. I chose healthier foods and had a salad. I also chose a tea over a milkshake so I didn't numb myself out so that's more solid work that I am doing. It's a moment at a time.

 

[ms spock]

So I keep going to the fridge and I stop myself. So I will have corn for an afternoon snack. Doing really well.

 

[ms spock]

I went out for dinner I did okay. I am doing okay.

And food is not the only reward or love in life. I have to sit with that one.