Dissociate During Sex

[AllisonStern]

Hello all, it's been awhile since I've posted because I've been doing better. But I've been experiencing some pretty heavy symptoms the last few days. Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex I dissociated really badly because of being triggered and couldn't say no. I couldn't really think of what to say, I was just kinda lost in my own head as things were happening to my body. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, but it's becoming a real issue because when I dissociate usually it's something my body can't tolerate and I can't articulate that to my partner so I end up in a pretty bad shape. How do you navigate that? How do you articulate when dissociated?

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you do anything physically that would indicate to him that you don’t want to continue with sex?

My guy and I always have sex via face to face positions because that way he can always be checking in with me....he asks what I want, he asks if I am ok; answering yes or no. If I cannot/do not answer, he knows I’m not ok. He knows I try to fight through it but he will tell me that it’s ok to not fight as he wants me to be 100% there and 100% involved, not just pushing through for him. He can always see my face and knows what my expressions are when I’m not ok.

 

[loui50]

I dissociate during sex with my husband. Mine is in the form of body numbness mostly. I finally told my husband about it and at first he was a little upset that I had let this go on so long without telling him. Now he just wants me to talk to t about It and find a way to heal and be present. That's what i want too. Last time we tried to have sex i dissociated worse than usual. I really wanted to say no but I couldnt find the words. I felt like my whole body was shrinking. I started crying and he stopped immediately. He asked what was wrong and I couldnt tell him. He just held me for a long time. Which felt good.

I will be interested to read what everyone else has to say here.

I like Eve's idea of staying face to face.

 

[Wendell_R]

Can you have planned times to have lots of touch, but no sex? My partner doesn't get aroused at night, and that distance triggers all kinds of feelings of childhood emotional neglect in me. Nowadays, we save nighttime for backrubs, massages, soothing, or cuddles. I can practice saying what I want and don't want (and the same with my spouse) with touch that isn't so threatening as sex.

Saying what I want during sex is really hard for me. It's easier to talk about when we aren't having sex.

I, too, need to have sex face to face, to know that my partner is interested, close, and engaged.

 

[hithere]

This still happens to me occassionally. Now I know if the "back there" stuff at the surface and know to say no prior to. However, in the past it was a real problem. Fighting through to being "present" actually helped me break free from it. Everything would start to go black and I would start to get lost in this tiny black hole of nothingness, but I forced myself to look at my partner and told myself over and over in my head what year it is and that this is now... It worked with practice for me. Also what what @Wendell_R said,

 

[whiteraven]

I'm not currently sexually active, but I saw a guy for about 6 years not too long ago and I often dissociated during sex. I think @EveHarrington's idea is excellent and when we were together, he ALWAYS kept an eye on me and could tell when I dissociated. He'd stop immediately and just hold me, which really helped.

Not too long after I was diagnosed (with DID), I was having sex with a guy and one of my insiders (a very young one) surfaced. That was weird. But he, too, as very attentive and handled it really well.

I think excellent communication (before) is critical. If you are able to talk when you are dissociating, you might also create a "safe" word - some completely unrelated word, like artichoke or puppy or a color (red works well) - that you can use when you need to stop.