Dissociation And Lost Time - How Much Is Normal?

[shimmerz]

IT's like I become almost catatonic during these episodes. And I feel time moving, kind of, but it's sped up and faster and I can't grasp it or hold it or stop it. And it's not sleep, although I feel immobile AS IF I'm asleep. I hear everything around me.

Yes. I did this for years. It is over now for me. There is hope. I wonder if you are describing the time thing correctly though. It sounds like you are experiencing a 'warping of time', not a loss. That is important.

secret part of my brain that worries that I have DID and now that parts screaming "I told you so!".

I am not DID but did (pardon the pun) experience catatonic states. Mine were similar to Go Hungry as he describes his as co-conscious. So no, you are not necessarily DID. And besides, some of the nicest people I know are DID :cool:

Glad you are seeing a therapist. He should understand catatonia. It is a wrinkle that most T's don't quite 'get'.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks everyone, and sorry to panic (I have a problem with panic). @shimmerz, I think you may be right, about the warping rather than the losing. Sometimes it's hard to pin down what is happening. Now that I think on it, it perhaps feels a bit different than true lost time (which has happened to me before as well, when I wake up with zero recollection of the last three days …). And in the end, no matter what I call it, the same thing is still happening.

So glad that I'm meeting with someone this week; I so desperately hope that I am able to work with them.

 

[GWhizz]

Hi @theshadowoftheliving just wondering if you met the new T and how it went? Thinking of you.

 

[Powder]

This and other dissociative things have happened with me that I didn't notice until the stress went up. I like the "time warping" or suddenly seeming to pass more quickly rather than losing time. But I'm not sure if there is a bid difference, because you still feel like you've "lost" time that you didn't intend to pass by being dissociated.

I've pondered the same thing, but I want to validate you that it IS TRULY FRUSTRATING regardless of the diagnosis or what we label each type of dissociative reaction.

Even though I can use dissociation as an anaesthetic, I'd still rather not be dissociative because I don't always have very good control over it and lost time or become paralyzed when I don't want to.

I'm pretty sure having DID is not as dramatic as the SCID interview and survey nor TV or film make it out to be. And it is possible to be very high functioning with dissociation, which is why it's taken so long for clinicians to figure it out.

You sound like you're just going through a lot of anticipatory stress about poking around. I can totally relate to that, as can many here. I doubt anyone with PTSD is thrilled about exposure and triggers, even well intended ones.

Also, I've read it can take years for DID to show itself in therapy and that sometimes it never does. Sometimes, only the close friends or family of the DID sufferer can witness the disorder first-hand.

There is no need for you to worry because you will take good care of yourself and only seek out the best counseling or trauma therapy for you at the time. As your needs change, you can trust yourself to alter your contacts with others to suit.

Trust your gut. You sound like you have it together more than you think.

 

[Ocean5]

I've had problem with lost time recent years. It's scary at first. Some days trying to remember "what you did with day?" End of month - why isn't all the work done? Asking yourself what you did with your time? Ok when I first realized it was happening I freaked to be honest.

What's important is you're meeting with someone. I hope your meeting went well.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Also, I've read it can take years for DID to show itself in therapy and that sometimes it never does. Sometimes, only the close friends or family of the DID sufferer can witness the disorder first-hand.

This is very true, it's a disorder where in a sense, the whole point of it is psychological protection. So for a lot of people with the disorder, it won't present itself overtly. My family don't know and there's only a handful of people who've ever interacted with me when I've switched and have actually seen it for themselves.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@GWhizz @Ocean5 My meeting went okay. I think it's going to work out, but I'm waiting to the beginning of the week to make the commitment to it - wanted time to think on it and make sure that it's the right decision and the right fit.

@Muse I think that you are entirely correct about the anticipatory stress thing. I'm so so so afraid of falling apart completely. I've been there before, and it's a terrible place to be. And now, I have no safety net the way I did when I was younger, so if I fall apart, there's no one to catch me. And that, frankly, is scarier than actually losing it.

But I'm having a harder and harder time keeping myself together, and I'm exhausted by the way that I have to arrange my life to stay somewhat together. I can't watch movies. I don't watch television. I avoid visiting my family because I don't want to see my abuser, and this means that I'm losing out on relationships with other people that matter to me. And even though these last few years I've "had it together"in the sense of career, etc, as my career advances and the stress becomes more, I'm falling apart at less and less. I know I have to do this. I'm just scared out of my mind by what that means.

And yes, this is simultaneously frustrating as all hell, because I can't get all my work done when I lose time like this (there just aren't enough hours left when I manage to pull myself out) and its affecting my career and my friendships, and scary because it indicates an unknown. DID isn't that scary when I think about it logically (especially because I'm often convinced that it describes me) but I'm terrified about the implications of the label.

 

[Powder]

Well, for what it's worth, I think that you deserve better people than the family you're avoiding, and so do I (avoiding mine). You are way too good for them. Truth is, now's the time to replace them with improved versions of them, when and if better options are found.

I also want you to know that I'm here for you, if you'll have me, on the forum. Feel free to PM me, and I you. Hugs if you want them. :hug:

I can relate to your entire post. I get huge anticipatory stress, have grieved the loss of my family (still do a bit) and worry that my boss wants to fire me, etc. On a daily basis for the last 10 of my career, which is quite successful, I feel that I don't belong, that everyone wants to get rid of me, and that I should leave because I have no future there and nobody wants me.

In fact, recently my boss realized I'm thinking of relocating, and we talked, and he was actually really sad at the thought of losing me. My husband saw him later that morning, didn't know about our conversation, and told me that my boss looked really depressed. I can't be sure that it was just our conversation about my possibly leaving that made him be depressed later on, but I was shocked how far from reality my perception of myself (as worthless) and others of me (as worthless) is.

People that I interact with over time, even, seem to actually like me, which is still coming as a shock, and I'm 37. Part of me knows I'm good, caring, and kind, but other parts think there is either no such thing, or if there is, I can't have it or else why was I abused so badly by both parents.

Like you, I sometimes wonder if I'd qualify as DID if an experienced DID expert saw me when I lost time, or when in flashback my child parts took over control of my thinking and actions. Whatever I DO have, my sister has it, too. I suspect it is either DID, or DDNOS with PTSD.

This used to really upset me and my heart would pound at thinking about it, reading about it, and worrying I have it. Now, I just don't care if I do because I am what I am, and I'm just tired of running.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Muse, Thanks for the support. It gets tricky because I don't want to abandon my family, just the one person. But they come as a package deal, you know? So it's the question and the debate over what is more important: my relationship with everyone, or not having a relationship with the one person. I haven't figured out what is best for me.

And I'm trying to just be calm about the whole do-I-have-DID thing. It is what it is, and I am who I am. But being calm is hard.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Based on my own experience, I would say that its definitely a possibility that this is a dissociative disorder. My dissociation was significantly less than yours and I was told that I possibly had DDNOS. Its something you'll have to explore with a therapist.

I don't lose time. I have few and far between periods of derealization (ie functioning in a fog), but due to the time factor (ie it doesn't happen frequently enough) it does not rise to the level of a diagnosable disorder.

See if your therapist will let you to take a dissociation diagnostic test. I think its the MID? Or the DES? I can't remember which one is which.

 

[Powder]

Yes, if the family closes ranks with the abusive person, and they often do, then they ostracise the one person telling the truth.
In my case, my parents are narcissistic, so they smear campaigned me, even with my husband's family members, trying to get to people before I could.

When one comes from a family that creates PTSD or C-PTSD or DID, there is no real safe person to confide in. If there ever were, then we probably wouldn't have this disorder. That's how I see it, in general terms at least.

Like you said, "package deal" if the family is codependent, yes. If they are healthy and are safe to think for themselves, no.

Even though codependent is a term that is going to likely fall away as non scientific, it accurately describes the reality of growing up in an abusive, addicted or otherwise harmful/dysfunctional family culture.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Solara I've self-taken those tests and my results are off the charts, which makes me nervous, of course. But I also know that I'm not a professional, so as soon as I can find a therapist to work with, I'll talk to them about it, too. Until then, deep breathing and reminding myself that I'm not floating even though it feels that way …