Thanks catlover. I posted in my trauma diary and feel better. This is why I wanted to try gam anon. I'm still getting sucked into his drama. On the other hand, I really just don't want to devote any more time and energy into the biggest mistake of my life. I feel like I deserve a real life, with a real partner, and a real family. I've tolerated being alone for a long time, thinking it was the price of peace. But I wonder how much it's because I'm stuck mentally where I was when I met my ex, which was in a really, really bad place. I don't think I quite gotten over abandoning my abusive family to go off to grad school. It was shortly after that. I latched onto my ex as a way of perpetuating the dynamic of me being neglected and abused, and me serving everyone at the same time. My ex needed constant help in some form. He gets easily confused, he's learning disabled, and quite helpless and passive. I'm going to therapy and working through this, but I need to persuade myself that I DON'T need to make good with my ex to heal myself. I have to accept that whatever messed up thing he does and becomes, I am 100% no longer involved in the cure or solution. I really think this is what I must embrace.
