Dissociation or what exactly? confused

[SeekingAfrica]

So I had a thing today and I really don't know what that was. I have had times in my life when I avoid or procrastinate, you know, reschedule things and get in bed watching Netflix for a while. Or times when I'm depressed and getting up is hard. This was different.
I had few overwhelmingly busy and emotional days for few days, including a problem that I thought there was no solution to, and something that scared me. I was powering through all the overwhelm last week. And then last night I slept badly with lots of nightmares. In the morning I had regular breakfast, and I decided to watch something before I start my day- in bed. And then...I just couldn't get up. But not in the avoiding way where you feel guilty etc.

It was more of laying in bed and feeling frozen and unable to make my body move, and feeling as weak as when you're sick, without being sick. I couldn't get up for food, or get tea, or even to turn to my side. I knew there are important things to do but it was like those things were baloons in my mind and I had cut off the string that connected them to me. So it was like the knowledge that they are there and supposedly important existed, I just had no connection to it and they felt far. There was one thing in particular that I had decided I have to do even if I do nothing else that day, and it included going outside. And I just...couldn't get up for hours.
Usually, if I can't do something because I'm anxious or depressed, I can force myself a bit through that by doing it in parts. But this was like my body was too weak and I just had no control over it. It took me few hours(that felt like a lot longer) to make myself move and even then when I went outside, I was moving like a zombie, superslow and I couldn't feel my body at all. Or string 2 thoughts together at all. I was lucky that I knew what I needed to do from the day before.

After I came home things slowly came back and I was able to slowly start going through my day. But when I was in bed...that was scary. Even when I'm depressed at least I can get up and make a hot drink or something. This was like I pushed a switch and I could no longer control my body. I kept thinking of soothing self-care things that can help me and couldn't make my body move to do them. I couldn't fall asleep either. It was like my thoughts were going and going but I couldn't do anything and like my body didn't care at all if I want to work or call someone or do self-care or try grounding myself, like it just turned off and decided to be off for a while. And for a while, everything was just far and fuzzy and I kept drifting in and out of being present and everything felt far. ...

How do I get out of such state? Or do I just try not to get in it? It felt like by the time I got into it, it was too late because..well, I couldn't move and all that...

 

[Reflections]

I don't think I've been in situations were I've lost control of my movement. Though I know what it's like to be like a zombie and not feel my body at all, if I'm like that I've usually really exhuasted myself. When I'm mentally exhuasted it doesn't mean I'll sleep or nap either, usually the opposite.

Could it be exhaustion on top of dissociation? Like you had a really rough few days, you didn't sleep well, and everything felt distant.

Prevention might be your best option. I personally can't control my dissociation, all I can do is care for my anxiety and overall self and I dissociate less. You could trying breathing exercises or try grounding yourself with your senses (notice the bed under you, notice the ceiling, notice the sound of the AC, notice colors, smells, etc) if you find yourself in stuck in bed again. You could use mindfulnes on those thoughts that were in your head, though mindfulness is really hard if you're tired.

 

[shimmerz]

For me, what you describe is a freeze state. And yes, they are scary as shit. Happened to me for years for multiple days at a time and at times multiple times in a day.
A couple of things I focus on to get myself out of the state
1. Remind myself that I am frozen - that frozen is a thing and not to panic about it. The more I panicked, the longer I stayed frozen.
2. I breathe to the count of 5 in 2 rest, 5 out 2 rest and slow my thoughts down to that pattern. My brain is generally going a mile a minute when I freeze - trying to find a way to escape. For me, this is generally about another person being present in the space.
3. Took me years to figure out that success in unfreezing was about moving my pinky finger and not my whole body. I would try and if it didn't work then I would focus on my breathing again to slow my head down and when I was ready I would try again. Rinse and repeat. It comes with practice.

I find as well that there is a warning that this is happening. I am not normally a stay in bed person so if I had a driving need to lie down then I needed to do a couple of things to ward off a freeze attack
1. Spicy hummus, hot candies, suck on a lemon type things to shock myself back into my body. I would notice that the heaviness left me when I did that. That was a start.
2. Movement. Keep moving and bring my supports (mentioned in 1.) with me to keep me going.
3. Aromatherapy (Lemongrass in particular for me) to keep me grounded.

I realized that it was far easier to stave off an attack before lying down than it was once I was down so I really focused on the second list as much as possible.

 

[Abstract]

I've had 2 very different type experiences that could fit what you describe. The one was extremely severe depression but I doubt this was it for you as that doesn't lift as quickly as yours did. Once you are in that near catatonic state from depression you usually need quite a lot of help to start coming out of it. When I was like that I couldn't move, speak, anything. I had to get to the phone to try to contact the dr and it was an impossible feat. Meds helped me eventually. Still something to consider for you though. After this I at last understand how depression is physiological.

The other is more likely to be like yours and was dissociative. I had variations and quite a lot at one time. First came to this site looking for answers. One where I would be unable to move and had no sight although I could open and close my eyes which I think was a sort of flashback. Not sure. I eventually found a way to ground with the help of someone on here. If I managed to move one thing just a little it would usually start breaking. One similar to yours where I would be stuck. Brain working moderately but body like lead belonging to someone else. It would come on suddenly. I have spent hours like that with both of them. Then states where I would describe my body as suddenly entirely asleep but my mind not. Outwardly I would appear asleep or unconscious. Others similar but I felt I became unconscious in some way rather than asleep and described them as narcolepsy like. I would have no sense of the time that passed. Those both usually after some sort of intense emotional overload or trigger. Then ones where I would drop.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Brain working moderately but body like lead belonging to someone else. It would come on suddenly. I have spent hours like that with both of them.

That is exactly how it was! And definitely wasn't flashback- although it eventually later lead to one. I've had times when working out my past when I got a lot of flashbacks and I had time when I'd have flashbacks going through me like speeding through a video one after another for hours. That was its own hell, but this wasn't great either.

Could it be exhaustion on top of dissociation? Like you had a really rough few days, you didn't sleep well, and everything felt distant.

Possibly. It was few rough days after many many stressful weeks(which I handled better than I thought I could). So maybe somehow everything bottled over, I just don't quite get why. The only time I've dissociated in my life before this was when I was having lots of flashbacks and that I get. In any case, thank you for the grounding ideas! I'll try to implement them. I have been going up and down mood wise(stressed, depressed, positive and trying, low again, super-emotional...). Maybe it is a response to all those mood swings- which were actually response to impossibly hard months, so,...maybe I have to remember to do more self-care now while all that is going on.

I find as well that there is a warning that this is happening.

Usually I would say the same. But there was no warning. Not that day at least. Maybe all the overwhelm in my life could have been a warning, but I've had stressful times before and it never lead to quite a reaction like this(if it was reaction to the stress)
.
Thank you, everyone, for all the answers! I feel a bit calmer about it now. Though I will try to "look after" myself better as I am not looking forward to repeating this feeling...ever.

 

[shimmerz]

My T and I worked on building my Window of Tolerance. Took me years to extend it. Do you have a therapist?

 

[Abstract]

I am doing pretty well now but barely ever was without some sort of dissociation for most of my life. I suspect. Memory very patchy.

When that type of dissociation happened suddenly for me its usually been in response to intense overwhelm due to either past stuff coming up or triggering interpersonal or self identity stuff happening. Feeling trapped. You mentioned being overwhelmed emotionally and something scaring you. That would be the type of thing that would potentially get me. Sometimes I wouldn't know why though as wasn't very connected to myself. Are you feeling more centred about the things you were struggling with before?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Feeling trapped.

THAT. I was feeling stuck and I knew I can't give up, but also didn't feel a way to get through at all. I'm still strugling, but I trying, and taking steps, and trying to believe that things will fall into place even though a lot doesn't depend on me. I got scared and now I'm trying again. I'm sure I'll have more freakout on the way to getting things resolved. Especially in the coming month, as I already know it won't be an easy one. But hopefully those freakouts will be milder than this one...and shorter, I hope. I still can't see how things will change...but I'm choosing to try.

My T and I worked on building my Window of Tolerance. Took me years to extend it. Do you have a therapist?

I think I know what you mean. But no, I don't. I had a great T and she helped me a lot, but I can't afford her now(financials are part of my huge issue right now...hope that changes). I'm trying to start working out more, and rebuilding my anxiety kit/box to work on self-soothing while things are this rough. Hope that those things help a little.

 

[Abstract]

The way I understand it now it is essentially a freeze state. No escape? Play dead. Some of us do that as a default and others maybe more in response to specific situations. I am quite careful these days to try to make myself see alternatives when I can't see them. Both for my suicide ideation and this stuff in general. It can be extremely hard when in a triggered or symptomatic state.

The other thing that helps me is just looking at the next step I need to do without thinking too far ahead. Sometimes the smallness of the step has been ridiculously small. I try to tell myself that there are always options and choices even if they may not be the ones I want to take.

I hope you manage to find a safer place in your mind for the stuff you are dealing with. Sending you good wishes.