I can really get what a lot of you are talking about. I remember when I was younger I would periodically cut myself off from all contact, mostly in high school I guess. I would go to school but the rest of the time I would sit in my room with books or write stories on the computer to pass the time. I would pretend I wasn't home, wouldn't answer the phone, would hardly even leave my room. I just didn't want to be around people and I would be that way for about a few months at a time before deciding that I felt like going and hanging out with people outside.
These days when I'm around other people I mostly have either severe anxiety to the point where I feel like I can't remember my own name or I sort of space out. I think rather than saying I have out of body experiences I'd say it's more like I feel like a ghost. It's like even though people see me I don't really feel like I'm there. Totally the sensation of being from different worlds. I also sometimes feel like I'm seeing people through a fog, it's pretty weird. I also will often feel sleepy even if I can't really get to sleep, like when I'm waiting at the doctor's office I start to feel so tired sometimes and then I just space out and stare at the wall while waiting in the room by myself. It feels like my batteries are dead and I'm just a doll with a soul but no ability to move or think of my own will. When I'm stressed I actually have a strong tendency to just sleep and sleep for hours if I'm at home. My husband always gets annoyed with me saying that whenever he tries to talk about something serious I end up falling asleep. I think my medicine has helped with this a lot lately which is good.
When I'm by myself it's somewhat different from when I'm around others. I also have those conversations with myself. Sometimes it's like a conversation with someone I know and sometimes it's an imaginary person who gives me advice. It's like I can have a conversation with someone in my head, telling them about something that happened in the past and then I get all upset and cry about it because it feels like I'm really talking with another person, lol. It's a little bit weird.
I don't know about separate personalities exactly but I have always liked writing or thinking up stories. I have this tendency to put on my headphones at my computer and then I'll play a game that let's me kind of space out, like solitaire, and I listen to music while I think about stuff that I want to write about or have begun to write about in a story. If I really get it in my head it's like I can sit at the computer for hours just stuck in my own world. It's kind of embarrassing if anyone is around because sometimes I get so into it that like when I imagine something happening to the main person I'll cry. I make the characters fight and blurt out ridiculous insults that make me laugh while I'm sitting there by myself. I'm sure I spend the whole time making stupid faces. It's actually entertaining for me but I always feel a little guilty because before I know it half the day or night might be gone and I've just been sitting there staring at the computer screen with no concept of time. I can even become obsessed to where I can't stop thinking about a story or scenario when doing other things (had to forbid myself from thinking about these things or listening to music while driving). I'm not really sure if my habit of making up my own little worlds is part of disassociation or not since it's not like I really see and feel the place with all my senses it's more like I'm so focused that I lose sight of what's around me. Lately I think that my medicine is making it so that I am not able to space out like this as much so I end up thinking about things I was trying not to think about. I can't tell if it's good or not. I spend a lot of time drilling myself with Japanese vocabulary in order to exhaust my brain and keep myself from going crazy. I have been able to manage my emotions a little better and actually feel some normal feelings about a few things and talk about it but it's still annoying not to be able to ignore reality as well as before. I know it's bad to ignore reality but I do enjoy it so very much.
Oh yeah on a final note, one time when I definitely was seriously disassociating (or something like that) was when sept 11 happened. I was in training school to learn arabic. I remember watching the second plane crash into the building and watching the buildings falling down and stuff. I remember looking at everyone's serious faces in the classroom while they stared intently at the tv and, although this is very bad, trying not to giggle at the looks on their faces. I just remember thinking that it didn't feel real at all and it felt like I was playing a prank on everyone, looking at them getting so serious. It was like I wanted to tell them how stupid they were. Like in my head I knew it was terrible and I thought it was terrible watching people jump from the building but I couldn't quite get my head around it and I couldn't think of it as something that was really happening. I remember writing about some events that happened at other times both before and after that day and just starting to laugh as I was writing about them or occasionally as I experienced them because I would zone out and think "wow, this is a really interesting experience to write a story about" and it was like the thought was so bizarre I forgot to be upset and that was funny to me because I knew it was really bad but I would latch onto that idea, that at least I had something interesting to write about, and push other feelings aside. I just found it hilarious that almost being assaulted or having buildings blow up or being betrayed were things that the cold voice in my head would occasionally think "this is good material to use for writing" and then the cold version of me would try to dissect my feelings. Of course I got upset about those things at other times but at those times for some reason I just went numb and then laughed at myself even as I was watching something terrible happen or writing down what I thought of the experience. Somehow the realization that there was a part of me that gained enjoyment from having interesting things to write about, even if they were bad, really was amusing and yet extremely disturbing. Although I don't think I've heard from that part of myself for years, probably good I guess...
Well, now that I've let the crazy out and gotten a headache for some reason I guess it's bedtime. Hope I didn't offend anyone talking about giggling but I definitely wasn't laughing at the people suffering, more like I was a bit unbalanced just then. If I did offend then I apologize. Also I wonder if anyone else has ever felt crazy because they had a horribly inappropriate reaction to something terrible happening and knew it but couldn't help themselves. Somehow when I think about my state of mind back then I can't help but be glad for my non-aggressive and very passive personality.
