DID Dissociative identity disorder / feeling ashamed of losing control

[PepperAnne]

Last night I was triggered by a person in a support group who was being abusive to a friend of mine. She is new to the support group and has been setting off my senses as an unsafe person since the day she arrived. Though she claimed to have been seeking help for her abuse issues, I didn’t feel any sense of connection to her, except that she reminded me of my abusers. Last night she was called on several boundary violation and refused to change her behavior. She was triggering another member of the group and then antagonizing that person, to the point where it was no longer safe for him in the room.

I was upset and triggered that she would act so much like the abusers we had as children, and when confronted about acting that way, she continued to offend and laughed while doing so. It was so sinister and I went into defensive mode. My legs started trembling, which is a sign to me that someone, another of my personalities is trying to get out. I warned her while I was expressing how she was being perceived by me, that I was losing control and I could feel the angry teenage personality trying to take over. I wasn’t abusive or threatening that I am aware of, but I was assertive and tried to stick with the “I” statements, that are a part of our guidelines.

I don’t fully remember all the things I said. My memory is that of Swiss cheese. I know some of what I said and other things are just blank spaces. I was close to completely dissociating into “an alter”, but instead I managed to keep the adult aware of most of what was happening. It is a hard place to me to go. There is a strong need to let “the alters” have their say, and to not let them take full control. The physical toll that it puts on my body, to keep both of us present as much as I am able to, is exhausting. My entire body was trembling and even though it wasn’t a cold night, even my teeth were chattering. Once freed from the situation, my need to be comforted was extreme, and I was glad to be in the presence of someone safe and supportive. Still I was embarrassed to be me, to have let him see me so broken.

Today I feel ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of having lost control, even if not fully. I feel broken and damaged and know that I am not repairable. Like a vase that has been broken and glued back together. It looks nice, but it still leaks, so therefore it is useless. Can anyone relate?

 

[timetorecover]

I can relate and feel the same way! :(
Sending u healing!!

 

[PepperAnne]

^ thanks

 

[AzureMind]

PepperAnne, I can TOTALLY relate to those feelings; feeling broken, and incomplete, and like no matter how you try to put the pieces of yourself, your personality, back together you still leak; sometimes I feel like I have to stay broken because the pain of putting myself back together again may be too much...certain emotions I can't even feel without feeling like 'someone else' is there feeling them. I feel 'childish' alot, I feel like a lonely little boy sometimes looking for someone to take care of him, then I feel like an independent, self-sufficient, and competent adult, but these aren't apart of the same conscious experience; I never just feel like one person with emotions, I myself feel 'blank' no emotions at all hardly, unless you count depressed, lonely, isolated. But I feel all these different 'people' and I hear voices when I'm under intense stress, and I depersonalize very easily at these times.

Among all these different states I feel, The 'angry one' is the worst for me...sometimes when I feel threatened and like someone is purposefully trying to intimidate me, another 'self' comes out...sinister, aggressive, and sadistic, and remorseless. :( I don't identify with any of these personality traits, but when I'm pushed to my limits, the urge to hurt is so deep, and intense, and the feeling of extreme joy fills me; I don't like it, and I don't want it, but before I dissociate, my body starts to feel like it's changing, I can feel hair over my face, and I start laughing, I no longer feel like 'me', and that's when I know it's happening; that's when I know I'm beginning not to feel like myself.

Sometimes I'm there, but unable to stop myself, watching like I'm siting on a wall, and like the situation is happening to another person; but other times, I'm just not there at all, I'm 'inside' my mind, or my body, but it's a world that's somewhere separated from the outside world, and there's others in there, I remember there was a woman, inside, and a younger version of myself was sitting on her lap, and was reading him/me a story; she was like my substitute mother; in fact, she was everything my mother wasn't; warm, kind, attentive, sincere; I loved it :inlove: ...In fact I never wanted to come out, I had a 'family' in there that wanted me, I had a father figure type as well; he was kind, threw a model airplane with me, and he made me feel safe; like I could express myself with him, and everything was ok and safe.

It's strange...but these parts came out of the dark when I felt, lonely, or in need of them somehow. I don't really know if this makes sense, but it's how I experience things, I wish it was just imagination, but I'm afraid it's more than that, when you can stay there in spite of whatever goes on outside of you, and you come to, minutes, hours, or days later, never to remember what happened the day, week, or month before. Usually when I come to, I have no recollection of what happened the day before.

I wish I had someone around me who could help me understand it, and not think of it as a joke; but there are others too, and I've seen them inside myself; I'm beyond confused by this...my uncle had suspected lightly that I had MPD, but I laughed it off, trying to avoid it, but I'm beginning to think he's right :laugh: for once. :unsure:

I'm still pretty new to all this DID stuff, and I haven't received a clinical diagnosis, but these things you talk about PA, I really feel them too; I feel scattered, and like I'm unable to do anything anymore, and any trigger could set off another 'state'. :( I'm confused to say the least. :confused:

 

[PepperAnne]

Finally someone who I can understand. I hear a lot of myself in the things you say. I would never diagonose someone, but I would suggest you speak to someone about your sympthoms. I have has many similar experiences. I have 2 main personalities that ride just below the surface. One is a 6 year old that I call Six. The other is a 13 year old who calls herself Kate. There are times when I don't just think like a 6 year old or feel the emotions of a 6 year old, but I actually feel like a 6 year old. I feel small and I want to climb into the lap of someone who loves me, someone who will take care of me, comfort me, etc. Not many people can can understand that.

There are times when Six gets triggered and comes out and I adjust to being a 6 year old. I can't even read, because she doesn't know how. How do you explain to another adult that you are a 6 year old in an adult body, who feels like they are 3 1/2 feet tall and wants to be cuddled and comforted when scared. It just doesn't work in an adult life does it? I have tried to explain this to several people, and even those I think get it, don't really get it. Everyone seems to think I can control everyone inside me, without realized they are actually different people within me. I can't always parent them, they don't always want to hear what I have to say and they have the right to ignore me and do what they want to. It's hard to be me around most people and those I feel safe enough to be around, I still have to be careful around. No adults wants to be around and adult 6 year old.

Kate is a little easier to handle. At least for the adult to 13 year old communication. Most people don't even realize that they are dealing with a teenager. They usually just think I am a moody adult. Unless you know me, and know the signs to look for, you would never see that Kate is in control. Only my therapist and best friend have been able to notice the changes.

Your comment about a family inside makes a lot of sense to me. More than it would to most people.

Thanks for sharing with me. I appreciate your honesty and volunerability.

 

[AzureMind]

PepperAnne, I really didn't know WHAT I was going through for years; my memories, like you said are like swiss cheese; I can't confidently say that I remember ANY part of my life in any kind of detail, or memory. The more stress that was piled on the more 'fragmented' I became and felt, and the less I come out. It's like I'm in limbo. The children in me make me 'feel' like I have the mindset of a child of either 4 years old, or 7 years old, and depending on the emotion I begin to feel, it gives me a sort of 'heads up' to who may be coming out; for instance feeling emotionally needy, or vulnerable, I feel like a child, and I want to be hugged, my mannerisms are all out of character, and child-like.

There are also these thoughts that pop into my head, things that I don't typically think about, these strange and random thoughts not of my own thinking style; I'll be doing something like studying, and a random thought will just pop up and says 'lets find someone to do it with! It'll be fun!' I'm not that kinda guy; I'm a romantic type, so I don't understand why I would just 'do it' with someone...If I'm feeling 'weak' that day, I'll dissociate more easily

Sometimes, I feel like a teenager again (I'm only 23)...I look like a teen, but I don't feel like one, and I (according to my mother) never went through a teen rebellion phase, there's Shane, who knows about rock music, and comes out to be with my dad, when I don't want to be there.

There's Eric, Beau, Robert, Murphy (suicidal and anxious)

I even have girl alters I guess...Alisha, and Cassandra; Alisha is feminine but strong willed, Cassandra is all bullets, knives and nails...I can hear all of them sometimes, not together, one at a time, mostly.

There's more of them as well.

 

[PepperAnne]

I have only started to explore my alters and like I said there seems to be the two that ride under the surface that are with me at all times. Sometimes they hide, sometimes they are silent, but most of the time I hear and feel them. I know of at least two others that come up and have taken over, but who remains is yet to be seen.

Swiss Cheese has always been my best way to describe it. People have called me forgetful and absent minded and I have never corrected them. How could you? What would you say? "I am sorry I don't remember that converstation you must have had it with an alter of mine." I always thought of it as how crazy do I want them to 'think' I am? I also used to think I was schizophrenic, because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I hid it from people for years, doing the best I could to be silly and bubbly and dizzy through my teenage years when it was the worst. I would even tell people I didn't remember things because i was high, even though I didn't do drugs. It was easier than facing the truth. My fear was if people found out how 'crazy' I was, they would lock me away. I knew my family wouldn't protect me. Their abuse is what caused me to split. I would often think that they would be able to 'cover up' all the abuse if they could prove I was crazy and lock me away. Now I know I am not crazy. I am just fractured and split. Now it is time for me to learn how to fix as much of the damage as possible and have as much as a normal life as possible. I don't know what that really means right now, but I am hoping I will soon.

I think the hardest times for me is when I realize I 'switched', and in that time, I hurt someone I care about. My teenage Alter, Kate, can be very aggressive and hurtful with her actions and words. She often thinks she is protecting us, but teenagers are often wrong.

AzureMind, are you currently in therapy or treatment? I have recently read a really good book about DID. It isn't a self help book or a treatment book. It is just a sourcebook for understand what DID is. It is called the Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook. It put a lot of things into perspective for me. It also help me to realize that I am not alone and most of all I am not insane.

 

[AzureMind]

I am in therapy PepperAnne. Well, something like it, meaning that I don't see my 'therapist' as much as I'd like or should, and It's irritating me. I'm really spacey lately; it's SO HARD to remain grounded in the midst of emotions and right now, in this moment, I'm in shock of how BADLY dissociative I am; I can't remember things from one second to the next, all I can do is 'be' and I'm completely empty.

I feel like all the things I used to know, all the things I used to have confidence in are being broken, and hidden away from me. At times I have virtually NO energy to continue: and yet I just do anyway; is there a reason for being alive? for being conscious when you can't feel?/think? I'm having the worst time staying conscious, and connecting thoughts together rationally...I know that I'm just stressed, what do I do? I don't mean to push anyone to do something they don't want to, but I can only say for me that I'm really just drained with chasing my tail thinking that at the end of it, is something that will give me the comfort of purpose.

Not knowing who you are, not knowing why you're alive, being an emotionless automaton unable to feel like a human beings that is connected at times can barely even tell if it's conscious...it's literally painful; to exist beyond a veil of consciousness, that is more like a thick film, that obscures reality, isolates you from living a full life; I'm stuck somewhere inside myself most days, and it's like I can't get out...The depression, and feelings of detachment circle each other over and over again and they both circle me in the middle, fighting to get past them both, but I just can't see the way out.

I am blank, hollow, and alone; in so much silent pain, all I can do is sleep. I just wonder when I'll get me back, because I do feel weird around people, and I can't help but to be dissociated; to have just a portion of myself present, but not enough as to help myself out in life.

 

[Emma13]

I have two alters that I know are alters. One is a thirteen year old girl that I call Emily, the second one is Alexandre. He comes out when I need to be protected, I am angry, or just scared. I also have several characters that I at one time created for role plays with friends, but lately I've noticed that they have become almost alter like. I've tried to ask friends about them, but they don't ever understand what I mean.

 

[shoulderblades]

I also have several characters that I at one time created for role plays with friends, but lately I've noticed that they have become almost alter like.

It's really interesting you say that... When I was a teenager, I "created identities". I made up identities to present to people I didn't know and whom I wanted acceptance from, and also to hide all the shame I felt about my home life and about abusive things that had happened to me. I was convinced I was an awful, worthless, useless person and the only way I could feel better about myself was by making up identities that were me but not me.

I knowingly created them but these identities seemed to begin to manifest in me as though they were becoming part of me. I found utter safety in being these other people. I found myself becoming very absorbed in one particular identity that I'd created which had a much better, much happier life than I. I wanted to spend all my time being this person, and this person would seemingly take over - I would find myself saying things about myself that weren't even true but I seemed to have no control over it. It was as if this person I'd "created" was becoming a part of me, a safe place for me to be me without having to deal with the traumas I was going through.

Numerous times in my life, I have slipped into a place in my head where I find myself creating identities and seeming to live that life. Will even act differently and talk differently. This hasn't happened to me in a while; the last time this happened was about five years ago. Lately I've been feeling a growing urge to create an identity again. Protect myself from, well, myself. From my past, from memories, from pain, from grief and despair. I don't consciously think "I'm going to create an identity"; I simply feel pulled towards it and if I don't keep a close watch on myself will start slipping into an identity that isn't me that I have very little control over. The urges come when I feel very alone or when I feel overwhelmed, which I've been feeling nothing but lately.

Is anyone able to help me clarify what I've been experiencing? Have I been experiencing developing alters? Or am I simply living in a fantasy land that gets out of control from time to time? I'm really confused by this because I can't understand my own behaviour with these things and can't understand why I have no control over it.

 

[Emma13]

I have had my counselor tell me that I need to integrate my alters and personalities, but I don't think I should. It doesn't feel right to do so.

 

[Mrs. T]

I have been searching for information about DID because I am trying to figure out what is going on with my husband. I know there is a lot of things I don't know about what he goes through. I suspect he hasn't told me because he has a hard time identifying what it's going on. Recently he spent two months in a mental hospital. Meeting with a psychiatrist who seemed to do no more then look at his medication. When I met with the doctor just before my husband was discharged, he stated that my husband was not schizophrenic, but also added that there was no diagnosis for his hallucinations. He seemed to have no interest in finding a cause for my husbands ongoing and disturbing hallucinations.

WE are waiting to see a different psychiatrist, but before then, I'd like to find as much information about possible diagnosis, so he has specific questions (this was how he got his PTSD diagnosis, since no doctor until then, could figure out what was going on).

As a young child, he was repetitively abused, both physically and sexually. He has had hallucinations for as long as he can remember. His childhood is confused. He has a hard time identifying when things happened. Years ago, he told me, in detail, about his experience during the genocide in rwanda. When I asked him recently about it, he told me that he is unsure if he was even there, but he remembers all the bodies.

The past year he has had this third job doing construction. He found out recently that this job does not exist, along with other things that he strongly believed happened/existed. He has identified hallucinations where he hurts ppl, but did not in real life, etc.

Due to recent med changes/additions he can (as far as we know) identify the difference between his hallucinations and real life, but the hallucinations have not stopped. There are many people from many nationalities and parts of his life, that he hallucinates.

Last week, he expressed a fear that if he left the house he might hurt someone. When I asked him, today, if he felt he would not have had control of his actions, he said he did not feel that way. This response, to my understanding, does not match his fear last week.

I don't know. I'm just exploring possible causes. Does this sound in any way like DID? When I told my husband about some of the experiences expressed in your posts, he did not deny this could be a possibility. Is it possible that he has alters that he knows nothing about?

I guess another thing to add, is he used to lie his way out of trouble. Or lie to make his life doing better then it was. I know at times he still tells little lies and afterwards doesn't seen to have much recollection of it. At times when he does know he lied, he doesn't understand why he lied. Usually happens when I feels unsafe.