Distressing emotional states...

[InsertCoinsHere]

My T gave me a trauma book to read in my own time...

Anytime I open the book and try to read it I feel overwhelming agitation, frustration and anger... I have to stop reading, self soothing does little, I end up getting emotionally overwhelmed to the point of suppressing boiling rage.

I feel partly rejected by her as I feel she doesn’t understand me e.g. How difficult this experience of recovery is yet I’m trying my best. I feel I will be shamed and disbelieved, yet again it will be my fault and that I should be doing better... ‘How can he not even read a book, he must be slacking’.

It feels very abandoning that I’m doing my best yet it isn’t quite good enough for others. Their disappointment is my shame. This makes me feel a mixture of shame and rage.

I’m so frustrated by recovery there’s so many developmental milestones I’ve missed that require attending, it’s one thing after the other... it’s as if I never developed after 1 years of age.. I was simply shut down. Anything to do with intimate relationships, attachment, boundaries, trust, socialisation and authority causes a ball of chaos.

I need to find myself a cave and go sit in it. One with Netflix preferably. This people stuff is incomprehensibly agitating.

I feel encouraging words would be helpful. Just to hear how other people have dealt with very challenging discrete emotional states would be uplifting... Particularly early years abandonment trauma.

Currently I’d rather be numb than feel all this. /vent

 

[ladee]

I hope it helps to know you are not alone in your feelings. It's safe to say most if not all of us felt or are feeling the daunting task of healing was too overwhelming. I did.

You reached out for assurance. That's a huge step. To not want to do this alone. I could never have accomplished any movement forward without help and understanding.

Has your T said they don't think you are up for the task or are you assuming this is what they are thinking? The reason I ask is that sometimes we project what we are feeling and thinking onto others.

Yet when we talk with the person or T, we find the opposite to be true.

If the book is too overwhelming, try talking with your T and share that it is just too much right now. Nothing wrong with that.

You are not alone. And we do understand.

 

[VioletButterfly]

If the book is too overwhelming, try talking with your T and share that it is just too much right now. Nothing wrong with that.

I was thinking the same thing about the book. I've been in that position early on in therapy and pushed myself through it because I thought the T knew better than I, and that I just had to deal with it and also please her. (Yes, I had a lot going on.) It harmed me at the time and for a long time after. I think I'm still working this out, actually; finding my own voice and trusting it, self worth and identity, etc..

About your thoughts and feelings regarding your therapist and the therapy process.... This is a good opportunity to practice communicating with someone about deeper issues that are concerning you. Therapy is for you, to help you. It's okay if you have your own thoughts about what would help you, how you are going, and to question the process and your therapist. It's important to honor your inner voice and to go at your own pace. This is not a race, it's a slow, often meandering, journey. Always know that what you are doing is hard, praise-worthy work.

I’m so frustrated by recovery there’s so many developmental milestones I’ve missed that require attending, it’s one thing after the other... it’s as if I never developed after 1 years of age.. I was simply shut down. Anything to do with intimate relationships, attachment, boundaries, trust, socialisation and authority causes a ball of chaos.

I can definitely relate to this. It can be overwhelming if you try to take it on all at one time. I'm still working on this many, many years later. Recovery has been and is a day-by-day struggle for me, and it seems to be more about nuances than definitive progress thus far. For me, it's like an Impressionist painting - many dabs of colors in different shades and highlights to produce components of an overall beautiful painting. I don't know if I'll ever stop adding dabs of color or highlights, but that's part of the journey and the ripening of life for me. Just remember to take this one day, one moment at a time and break it all down until it feels manageable for you. Yes, it can be frustrating and disheartening, and you will likely need to grieve a lot through this process. Kindness helps with this process, so a lot of self-care and self-soothing can help ease through this process. I wish I had been kinder and less harsh with myself, but I didn't know any better and didn't know of this wonderful forum of giving/supportive people yet.

Keep reaching out, it's a good/healthy sign of progress. Sending hugs and patience to you, and much compassion. You are worthy and work the work. VB

 

[sunisstillshining]

So much good advice offered by the fellow posters here. First, great job on reaching out and noticing your feelings and reactions from reading the book. I would recommend along with others that you speak with your therapist about how you felt after reading the book. Hope that helps and please feel free to post here if you need more encouragement.

 

[TruthSeeker]

My T gave me a trauma book to read in my own time...

Anytime I open the book and try to read it I feel overwhelming agitation, frustration and anger... I have to stop reading, self soothing does little, I end up getting emotionally overwhelmed to the point of suppressing boiling rage.

I feel partly rejected by her as I feel she doesn’t understand me e.g. How difficult this experience of recovery is yet I’m trying my best. I feel I will be shamed and disbelieved, yet again it will be my fault and that I should be doing better... ‘How can he not even read a book, he must be slacking’.

It feels very abandoning that I’m doing my best yet it isn’t quite good enough for others. Their disappointment is my shame. This makes me feel a mixture of shame and rage.

I’m so frustrated by recovery there’s so many developmental milestones I’ve missed that require attending, it’s one thing after the other... it’s as if I never developed after 1 years of age.. I was simply shut down. Anything to do with intimate relationships, attachment, boundaries, trust, socialisation and authority causes a ball of chaos.

I need to find myself a cave and go sit in it. One with Netflix preferably. This people stuff is incomprehensibly agitating.

I feel encouraging words would be helpful. Just to hear how other people have dealt with very challenging discrete emotional states would be uplifting... Particularly early years abandonment trauma.

Currently I’d rather be numb than feel all this. /vent

My first Trauma book was a blur-T would ask about the book....my response "It's kinda heady." No, more like it made me spacy, couldn't recall any details to discuss cause it made me dissociative, and it felt threatening. I could only read a little. I'd reread the back just to get the gist of the book. Finally I said I finished reading it to her, and passed her my copy to give to another client. I wasn't having a reference set of self help books in my house. I got additional books as I spent more time in her office...and read them, and each time got more out of them....it took a while. The letters jump off the pages, I quickly got to a point where things just didn't make sense....and I'd have to put the book away. It did get better overtime and eventually, reading was no longer an issue.

If she's been working with trauma folks for a while, I'm sure she does have a feeling for the challenge that trauma presents to her clients, and knows the book will likely be a trigger. Sometimes books are a good conversation starter....less threatening, and they can shed a different perspective and help you get educated about what trauma was before tackling it on a more personal level....talking about it....ugh.