Distrust

[fern]

I've been experiencing waves of intrusive thoughts and beliefs that I cannot trust people in my life. These thoughts range from mild to severe (when I am really triggered)
And while they pass over like waves and do not last, they do keep coming back. I know it has to do with my trauma having involved being violated by untrustworthy people and missing red flags along the way.
I often have passing recurring thoughts that people are disingenuous.
Do you also feel this way, or have you? How do you deal with these thoughts?
Sometimes I talk about them with my partner (who I have these thoughts about) and I tell myself " I do not have to believe everything I think".

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

It's common for people who have had bad experiences with untrustworthy people to have trust issues.

However, their are people out there who you really can trust, Fern.

 

[PreciousChild]

That's really great that you can share your intrusive thoughts with your partner. I say do as much of that as possible. Do you think you could elaborate what you mean by not trusting people? Can you give an example, a concrete situation of when you might distrust someone?

 

[mumstheword]

Have you seen Brene Brown's acrynom for gauging trustworthiness? It really helped me.

I think it's important to gauge levels of trustworthiness, who you can trust with what and to what degree.

You don't have to trust without good reason to trust and the reverse, you don't have to mistrust without good reason either.

To answer your queries. YES. Being Aspie with CPTSD, trust issues and a sense of disingenuousness, in people, looms VERY large in my life.

Honesty and directness are like oxygen-breathable air for (many) of us Aspers and that doesn't seem typical with many neurotypicals.

 

[candor]

@ mumstheword I trust without good reason and learning to be careful is just as hard as the reverse I think. It has helped to know someone who is my opposite though it's quite uncomfortable for me.

 

[fern]

That's really great that you can share your intrusive thoughts with your partner. I say do as much of that as possible. Do you think you could elaborate what you mean by not trusting people? Can you give an example, a concrete situation of when you might distrust someone?

I am referring to, beyond distrust of strangers and people I am just meeting, distrust of people who are a part of my life. For example, I will be hanging out with a friend I have known for years, who I logically know to be trustworthy, and then become triggered in some way (sometime I recognize, sometimes I don't). Then I have intrusive thoughts that they have ulterior motives to harm/exploit me, and my brain starts looking for "evidence ".
Similarly, sometimes my girlfriend will be telling me that I'm "incredible" and "wonderful" and it feels over the top, so then I think that she is being disingenuous and trying to make fun of me or devalue me (which I know doesnt really make sense when I try to explain it.. but these are the things my brain does!)

Yeah I dont trust people without reason, I know trust is earned. The scary thing is when I start to question if I can trust people who have been in my life for a long time, because that makes me feel like I dont know what's real and that my loved ones are not genuine.

Have you seen Brene Brown's acrynom for gauging trustworthiness? It really helped me.

I think it's important to gauge levels of trustworthiness, who you can trust with what and to what degree.

You don't have to trust without good reason to trust and the reverse, you don't have to mistrust without good reason either.

To answer your queries. YES. Being Aspie with CPTSD, trust issues and a sense of disingenuousness, in people, looms VERY large in my life.

Honesty and directness are like oxygen-breathable air for (many) of us Aspers and that doesn't seem typical with many neurotypicals.

I have not seen Brenee Brown's trustworthiness gauge. I listened to her ted talk on shame, like most people, and loved it. So I will check that out.
Honesty and directness are very useful, I agree. Keeping an open line of communication with my girlfriend has been really beneficial. I'll just ask her clarifying questions and tell her about the intrusive thoughts I am having- either about her or friends of mine. At first I was worried that she would judge me or that my ptsd would scare her but it has been really positive and opened the door for better understanding and support.

 

[candor]

Fern I am in awe that you seem to be as self aware as you are. The fact that you question and self reflect about the way your brain reacts, the courage you have to communicate your doubts with a partner/ friend do you stop to give yourself credit for that? PTSD or not, all us humans sometimes recognize that they are mistrusting someone close. However, some brains have become hardwired to do that by default causing a lot more trouble than most deserve. What you are doing is imo exactly the right thing. I am the one that compliments over the top and that is not cool in Scandinavia. My motives are immediately questioned. But it's the culture so I no longer get triggered. No one likes to be doubted but Breen Brown's research on the importance of vulnerability is spot on imo. People worth keeping will accept you as you are and help you grow in the direction you want to go. I think that we all bring value into a relationship when we stop pretending.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @fern , when you've been hurt and/or abused by people it will obviously cause trust issues but the trick is to not allow that to make you paranoid. And you've addressed that by your own reflection and self questioning. I'm glad you have a partner and friends that you can be honest with.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks for clarifying and elaborating @fern. I totally have felt and done similar things and still do. That experience you were describing about your gf saying nice things to you, but you didn't believe her is something I can relate to. I feel that an old wound gets triggered. Sometime when my bf is nice to me, it stirs up that need for love that I think everyone is born with, but so many times, my parents and then my ex-husband devalued and rejected me that I feel that by opening up, I'm just setting myself up to get hurt again, to feel unloved again which makes me feel humiliated. I think distrust is a way of self-protecting. I am so grateful for my current bf for helping me build trust. I think that it took both me healing and finding someone I could actually trust to make things better.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Have you seen Brene Brown's acrynom for gauging trustworthiness? It really helped me.

I think it's important to gauge levels of trustworthiness, who you can trust with what and to what degree.

You don't have to trust without good reason to trust and the reverse, you don't have to mistrust without good reason either.

To answer your queries. YES. Being Aspie with CPTSD, trust issues and a sense of disingenuousness, in people, looms VERY large in my life.

Honesty and directness are like oxygen-breathable air for (many) of us Aspers and that doesn't seem typical with many neurotypicals.

What's B. Brown's acronym for gauging trustworthiness?

 

[mumstheword]

What's B. Brown's acronym for gauging trustworthiness?

B for boundaries
R for reliability
A for accountability
V for vault (as in confidentiality)
I for integrity
N for non judgementalness
G for generosity

 

[Tinyflame]

I can relate to some of your post @fern. I think as @PreciousChild said above, it can refer to core wounds, though those wounds may be different, and not even conscious, or past associations that you are aware of. For example, some people may experience feelings of love stirred up, but for many it may instead have nothing to do with any longing but rather be a reminder of grooming, or simply poke at an interior belief that you are none of those things. Then there will be cognitive dissonance: I belief (x) about myself; I'm 'supposed' to also believe something contrary. Or something else entirely. Not to mention that for some, love only equals pain, so it isn't a goal or need.

I think (mis) trust also has to do with memory. And at some level, something experienced at a gut level. JMHO though. Hard to know what is gut and what is amydgala hijacking. What is fueled by the past, and what is stand-alone as the present, can be hard to tease apart, sometimes. Even the experience of trusting in general is by virtue of it's anatomy affected by past (learned) experiences.