Do Any Of Your Loved Ones Trigger You?

[BrownEyes]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a really long time since I've posted anything. I've been lurking and reading in order to not feel so alone with this PTSD, but I just haven't had the energy to post anything.

I went through a depression last fall and I just started to come out of it a couple of months ago, and all of a sudden I discovered that my ex-husband has been abusing our thirteen year old daughter emotionally, physically and sexually, and as a result she had begun to self harm.

She no longer sees her father now, and I've gotten her into councelling and she seems to be coming along fairly well.

I am trying my best to be strong and supportive of her, and I do a good job of that on the surface. But privately, behind the mask, I find that my PTSD symptoms have drastically increased. I was also abused emotionally, physically and sexually by my father, so all of this is a trigger for me.

On top of the abuse stuff, I find that living with a thirteen year old girl is triggering to me all by itself, and I have no idea how to handle it. My parents were very self-centered and argumentitive and everything was about them, and people who are like that trigger me terribly.

And now that my daughter is thirteen, I see those traits in her. And I understand that it's all a natural part of being a teenager and growing up, and that they go through the stage where everything is about them. But I'm having a really hard time dealing with that type of behaviour and attitude with my daughter because of my PTSD.

I hate conflict and try to avoid it all times, but when you're dealing with a thirteen year old girl who is on a rollercoaster of emotions at the best of times, I have no idea what to do.

I'm not sure if I explained all of this well enough, but I was wondering if other people are triggered by certain behaviours or attitudes ar circumstances with their loved ones, and how do you deal with that?

Thanks to all.

 

[Deleted member 541]

To answer your question..Yes!!!!!! Teenagers are tough to deal with, even when you have no other issues to deal with, so I can sympathize with you on that front. Girls are especially hard at that age, I think due to hormonal rages, exercising their independence, and just plain old pushing the limits to see what they can get away with....

It's hard to be a parent in today's society, I'm glad that those days are over for me....All I can suggest, is to be firm, yet loving to her, and to yourself.....If you are not in therapy, then I suggest that you get back into it, and possibly have a few sessions together with your daughter. It may help!!!!

 

[goingonhope]

I'm not sure if I explained all of this well enough, but I was wondering if other people are triggered by certain behaviours or attitudes ar circumstances with their loved ones, and how do you deal with that?

BrownEyes, Yes! Triggered by behaviors and attitudes of immediate family, my loved ones. It's so hard to deal with sometimes and I find it quite exhausting days. Quite tired at this hr. so lazy minded and will only say that I deal with it practically every day these days and nights and simply keep trying and trying and trying and succeeding and failing and failing and succeeding much, and then failing all over again. Kaboom. It's all having its way with me and taking the very best of me. I'm worn out and exhausted. Just about fed up.

Sorry Browneyes that I have no solution other then to keep trying and doing one's very best.

Hope

 

[BrownEyes]

Thank you She Cat and goingonhope for your comments.

She Cat: I have just started therapy for myself and I've had one session. I'm hoping it helps me deal with all this chaos that is going on right now. I am so looking forward to having the teenage years behind me. Unfortunately they're just starting.

goingonhope: I can so relate your feelings of exhaustion. I try to hold myself together in front of everyone, but the minute I let my guard down, like when we sit on the sofa to watch TV, I fall asleep. But when it comes time for bed I can't sleep. Then when I finally do get to sleep, I have terrrible nightmares. I wake up and then have flashbacks. It's so exhausting.

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread these days. I find it hard to not get caught up in my daughter's day to day drama. Logically I know I need to leave it alone because it's my daughter's, but I just find it so hard to do. I was always the caretaker and the rescuer when I was growing up. My parents taught me that the emotions of others are my responsibility, and that it's up to me to keep everyone happy, and that if there is turmoil or chaos or negativity then it's my job to fix it. It sends me into a panic when my daughter is on a rollercoaster of emotions. And I end up on that rollercoaster with her. It's so hard and exhausting and it mentally puts me back to being a child and having to be responsible for my parents' emotions. I hope the therapy helps me with all this.

Thank you again for your comments. It's always so nice to have people here who really understand. Bless you.

 

[goingonhope]

How are you doing with this today Browneyes?

I find it hard to not get caught up in my daughter's day to day drama. Logically I know I need to leave it alone because it's my daughter's, but

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi goingonhope,

I am trying really hard to not get caught up in my daughter's dramas. I think I'm doing pretty good. She pushed a boundary the other day and I was able to stay detached and deal with it. I was very proud of myself.

On another occassion she was very surprised at my detached reaction to her, and even dissapointedly asked why I wasn't all emotional over it like I usually am. I think she gets some sort of pay-off when I jump onto the roller coaster with her. So I'm trying my best to not do that. But she knows exactly what buttons to push on me, and she ended up saying the very same thing my mother and father would say to me: "if you're not upset because I'm in distress, then you don't love me!" I talked to her and took it in stride on the outside, but inside I was panicking and totally triggered.

It's hard, but I'm determined to stay strong. I'm hoping that with practice I will get better and better at staying detched. Thank you for checking in on me.

 

[opabob]

I'm not sure if I explained all of this well enough, but I was wondering if other people are triggered by certain behaviours or attitudes ar circumstances with their loved ones, and how do you deal with that?

I was just going to write on the same thing. In my case it's my mother. Mom's 84 and has had several small strokes and can't stay by herself so I stay with her six days a week. I get one day a week with my wife 55 miles away. And of that she lets me go fishing for a few hours. :thumbs-up Is she a great gal, or what??? :thumbs-up

My PTSD has left me with a really short fuse. There are a lot of triggers when parenting your parent. And I feel really guilty about getting upset with Mom. It's not the incontinence but more the dementia issues and the many various things around that that sometimes get to me. But somehow I've learned to stop the massive gush of adrenaline when those triggers happen. I don't know exactly how, I just do.

 

[Farine]

BrownEyes,

I wanted to share that I had read your post. My two daughters are 11 and 9. They haven't been sexually abused or physically abused. There's been some marital disruptions that unfortunately happened where they could see it. I feel bad about that. There is every effort to make better choices.

All this to say my tweeners are doing that sort of stuff too. IT's not just you. And it's not all because of the abuse. A good part of it is normal growing up angst.

I"ll send some good thoughts your way!
Farine

 

[zzzaaabbb]

I too have had loved ones trigger my symptoms. It is not exactly the same, but my ex fiance told me how perfect I was and how he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. He left me the day of my graduate school graduation and told me he didn't love me anymore. This was the defining moment of my PTSD when everything from my past came up (childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse) and I was eventually hospitalized. My new boyfriend (probably ex now) would say the same things to me - how perfect I was and how he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. The same things as my ex fiance. In the back of my head all I was thinking was - "ok this is great, so when are you going to leave me, cuz everyone who says the love me, leaves me." I pushed and pushed and finally pushed him away to now he does not want me. It is so disheartening to think that the ones we love can trigger these symptoms when we think most of it is at bay. I am working with a therapist to overcome this but I think it will be a long process.