Childhood Do Children Automatically Know What A Good Or Bad Touch Is?

[Lionheart]

I personally experienced both appropriate and inappropriate touch at a very young age and could not differentiate one from the other until I was much , much older. I suppose I was too young to have words for inappropriate or 'bad' touch and could not recognize it for what it was. So for me, the answer is "No."

 

[digger]

@FridayJones you just made my day.

mine too. :)

 

[scout86]

I was just going to mention some of what @FridayJones said, but wouldn't have done it nearly as well! The cultures where nudity is a comfortable, accepted thing aren't dangerous or perverse, they're just different. I'm not so sure that we don't cause more problems by making a big deal out of some of the stuff we do.

And, what about this "doctor business"? To the best of my knowledge, I was never sexually molested by a doctor. But I PASSIONATELY hated the dr we went to when I was a kid, for the same reasons I hated my molester. He did stuff to me I didn't like and I didn't have a choice. He treated me like an object. No one listened to anything I tried to say. My wishes didn't count. What about that? To this day, I have to be at death's door before I'll go to the dr and the only way I can talk myself into going is to remind myself that I'm an adult now. They "can't" do anything to me I don't allow, and I can tell them to F off and walk out any time I want. Where is the line between "appropriate" and "not appropriate" and how was I supposed to know what it was?

 

[Ronin]

I'm just getting a @FridayJones said it already emoticon. Gonna put it to threads, at times add two cents, and run.

Okay, in seriousness, kids are kids. Things may feel one way, still doesn't mean there's understanding of things in 'adult' terms. On pretty much anything. Even when forced to 'grow up' in some ways prematurely. Still doesn't mean things don't hurt or don't start hurting years later or don't start hurting when viewing of the happenings changes. It's so much about development, cultures, taboos. What's upheld, what's not, how long, when, why's, la la. Long list.

I never know how to answer about 'personal understanding' when it comes to a lot of 'adult' things and youth. My late childhood/early teen years were all sorts of sideways, and then shifting cultures & states just got me all sorts of 'well damned if I knew, I'm just going to roll with where I'm now, sorting how I feel about it later'. Learning about things is a loong process with so many variables. If I'm not so sure on so much as an adult, how the hell are kids supposed to know? So nope.

 

[Lucycat]

I think perpetrators deliberately blur the lines. They want the child to think it is acceptable and appropriate. They thrive on the confusion they create within the developing brain. I knew I did not like it but I was being told that I did like it. Just like I was told I did like eating carrots. So get on with it - there is nothing to complain about and nobody to listen.

 

[GrokkingAmbivert]

This is wild that you posted this right now! I recently remembered calling my dad & mom "perverts" when I was around 5-7 after they spanked me. When they did that, my "special/little female part" (that I don't want to use the word for), would tickle in a way us adults know as a sign of arousal. I didn't know why or what the feeling was, but I somehow knew it was not something my parents should make me feel. By calling them perverts enough, they quit. I'm sure they, as I am now, were pretty shocked to hear such a labeling word come out of their very young daughters mouth. Idk how on earth I knew what that word was. Last year I realized I had a sexual fetish that related to the things they were doing to me. It's why I "tingled." And I never told them why I thought they were perverted, I don't even think I could have explained why if I wanted to! The fetish I'm trying to rid myself of and my childhood makes it all more disturbing. To my knowledge, I wasn't intentionally sexually abused ever. I didn't know I had a fetish until 20 years later. It's wild if you research fetishes and imprinting. Fetishes all derive from childhood.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Subconsciously? Hell YES. If not then nobody who was molested before learning "good touch/bad touch" would feel violated, be traumatized, get ptsd..... Yes, our bodies know what is bad even if our conscious minds don't.

 

[HëllaBubz]

As a first time mother with a young child, I can quite definitively tell you that children do have their own boundaries and they know how to object/recognise when it's crossed.

It can be overridden, but it is definitely there and it is how I knew to fight so hard against my abusers.

 

[TonyG]

As a Parent I think the child may not but the adult bloody should know the difference, We have allways kissed and cuddled our kids, my son is 19 now and still gives me a hug when he sees me, I grew up the same way, I can't understand why adults do such things.

 

[Mit]

I'm a bit late to this discussion - but I don't believe Children can ever intrinsically know anything (e.g. right from wrong) without external influences, perhaps the question should be 'do children know the difference between good and bad touch without it being explicitly explained by their care givers'. In the case of my own children the answer is yes, they do know some types of touching is inappropriate. We hadn't explained this explicitly to them, but it is communicated through our style of parenting, our values and expectations.

For instance, we have always encouraged and respected our children's right to privacy, so for example, as soon as they were able to bathe/toilet themselves, we stopped assisting them. I haven't seen my kids in a state of undress since they were about six years old. So the fact that they are aware of their right to privacy and dignity has influenced their awareness of what is acceptable and unacceptable when it comes to their own bodies. They also become aware of such things from other family members, other families and friends.

Personally I don't think it does any harm to explain such things in a careful and non-scary way (and there are plenty of free resources available). It is equally important children feel able to tell someone if they feel something inappropriate has occurred. But if all a child has ever known is 'inappropriate touching' they will think that is the norm won't they?

The comments about touching in a medical setting are very close to my heart. I was subjected to inappropriate touching by medical staff, but also appropriate touching (and procedures) that I interpreted as inappropriate, frightening and/or traumatising, often because of a lack of understanding on my part, or explanation by medical staff/parents.

mit

 

[illusionist]

I know of someone who was brought up knowing what was appropriate/ inappropriate and from a caring , loving home. At the age of 12 they became aware of an incident in a hospital by a doctor was not appropriate that had happened a couple of years previous. The realisation of this brought out so much guilt as, at the time, they had enjoyed the experience ( their words). So no, I don't think a child can always know.

 

[HëllaBubz]

The fetish I'm trying to rid myself of and my childhood makes it all more disturbing

Same boat. Hate it but it's there. As therapy progresses I find it less attractive though.